My Tickers

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I know it's late, but I haven't been feeling the greatest with my allergies and I just kinda let things get away from me yet again....I totally am my own worst enemy lol

Mean...that's the song I posted the video for, it's by Taylor Swift and if it had been around say 30 or 35 years ago it TOTALLY would have been my theme song! I love the verse....

Someday I'll be living in a big ole city
and all you're ever gonna be is mean
someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
and all you're ever gonna be is mean
why you gotta be so mean?

It's totally what I felt and thought as a kid!  If I survived to adulthood I would get the hell out of dodge and I would be far far away from that evil woman and she would still be mean! If I survived I would be big enough so she couldn't hit me anymore but she would still be mean! The song may be written to take a stand against bullying in schools and to help those who are bullied to feel empowered...but abused children are nothing but victims of grown up bullies! My egg donor was just that, a big bully! She felt badly about herself, someone hurt her and turned her into the evil person she was. She chose to simply repeat the cycle, to treat her children the way she was treated herself by someone else. She felt small so she decided to hurt those who were smaller than her. She was pathetic, she did not have to repeat the cycle. She could have (like myself) chosen to be a better person. She could have said to herself that she was not going to treat her kids that way. But she chose not to do that, she was weak and did not have the strength to choose a different path.

I've always looked back on my life and asked "Why would she do it?" Personally I knew how if felt to be beaten physically and emotionally and I did not like it at all. So why on earth would I ever subject anyone (much less my own child) to that same misery?? It does not make sense, I simply can not comprehend! I realize how hard it must have been for her by the time I came along, she was 38 years old when that happened. At 38 I was in the beginning stages of menopause, my doctor says generally we follow our mothers paths and so therefore she probably was in the beginning stages at that time too. By the time I was 2 years old she would have been my age right now. 40 years old fighting the mood swings, insomnia, hot flashes, night sweats etc. I can fully comprehend how hard it must have been because I am sure I tested her patience every single day just as my son tests mine. Some days I don't even want to be around myself and I feel sorry for anyone who has to be around me...and I try so hard not to snap at my son as my moods go all haywire. But even still, I could never lay a hand on my child. I may yell, I may speak out of line and say things that I shouldn't. I may be meaner than I should with my words but always I feel horrible afterward and I always apologize, I always make sure I try to make it better for him. I just don't understand why she couldn't understand that I was simply a child and I did not deserve what I got. I never did anything so bad that it deserved being beaten, I never deserved to be punched or whipped with a belt. I was just a kid and she was just plain mean! I just don't know why!

So that's my song for her, my childhood song that came 30 years too late...but today I do live in a big ole city (ok it's not a real city but compared to the boondocks we grew up in it is lol) and today I am big enough that she can't hit me...and all she'll ever be is mean!

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