This past week we went on a family camping and biking trip to the beach. It was good to get away from the real world and relax with my two favorite people. Of course, as always happens, I found myself looking back on my youth and realizing how much I truly missed out on.

When I was my sons age, there is no way we would have gone camping in a tent and made campfires. We didn't roast marshmallows and make S'mores . We didn't get to ride bikes for miles on end until we hit the beach and then spend hours at the water running and playing and riding the waves. No, my egg donor was not that cool! She was actually afraid of the water and we weren't even allowed to go into the local brook when it was 6 inches deep. I had so much fun watching my son have fun and a very small part of me began to actually feel sorry for my egg donor...can you believe that? I truly felt pity for that woman. She totally missed out on so much by making me miss out!  She didn't get to hear the laughter of her child, she didn't get to see a smile cross my lips, she didn't get to watch her children have total relaxed fun. No, she spent every single day beating us down, keeping us unhappy and sorrowful. She reveled in our misery because misery loves company. She totally missed out on seeing stuff like:

A loving smile from her happy child

Her child roasting marshmallows by the fire looking so tired because of all the fun that was had through the day

Smiles from a loving husband and child at the same time

Relaxing beside a roaring fire

 the list goes on and on

 But most of all, I can guarantee you that she never got to see this

A genuinely happy smile on my face!

All I can say is "It's her loss!" She didn't care to put that smile there and she did everything in her power to make sure it was never there. She didn't allow me to feel happiness and love and in turn she missed out on something amazing. I get to see it and feel it every single day from my son and I really do feel sorry for her for never getting to enjoy that sensation. I guess I must be growing up because instead of feeling only hatred and anger I'm starting to feel pitty and sorrow for her.  

I guess it had to happen sometime!

What a nice little vacation

We have been camping for the past few days, it was nice to get away and relax for a bit. We weren't supposed to come home until tomorrow, but unfortunately the rain decided to move in and it's no fun camping in rain so we came home a day early. My face hurts from sunburn, but it was a really good time and worth it. We went to the beaches with the big waves and saw a seal swimming (luckily no sharks to go with the seal) and we went to the more calm beach where we found some nice shells, caught hermit crabs and had a really good time. We rode our bikes for many many miles and enjoyed a little family bonding as well as a little family fighting lol I mean seriously, what family vacation goes perfectly smooth? I can't think for starters,  after too much time together you start to get on each others nerves a lot easier. We had campfires, made smores and roasted weinies in the dark. We slept in a tent to the sounds of crickets and leaved rustling in the breeze. It was good to get back into nature, it was good to get away and just relax,  it was a much needed vacation for everyone.

I know this is a little early BUT:

I'M PISSED!      I'M BITTER!    and   TODAY I HATE MY PAST!

Earlier today my husbands best friend came over with his 3 year old little girl. She's a great kid and a lot of fun to be around. While hubby helped his friend with some car issues the Wild Child and I watched his little girl. we took her to the playground at the school next door. We ran around the back yard together, we swang on the swings together and there was a lot of laughter to be heard. But as I watched my son play with this little girl, heard his laughter mingle with hers and heard him say things like  "I feel like a big brother" and "This is one of the best days of my life ever" I wanted to cry! I still want to cry and as I think about those words coming from him I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes.

I'M PISSED!     I'M BITTER!    and   TODAY I HATE MY PAST!

It's those kinds of moments that remind me that I can not give my son what he would be so good at. I can not make him a big brother. I can not give him a younger sibling to play with and it's all because of those sick bastards who had to use me and abuse me! They stole from me, I was taken away from that home but it was too late. The damage was already done and the extent of the damage would not be revealed until years later after I delivered my son. The doctors say that the damage is what caused my placental abruption with Orion and they were amazed I managed to carry him to term. The internal damage was so bad that if I were to attempt to have another child those scars would most likely rupture and kill, not only the baby, but also me. I had two choices after the Wild Child was born, tie the tubes or take my chances. Of course I could never take such a risk since it could possibly leave my son without a mother, so I had no real choice at all. I had to tie the tubes and make sure it never happened.....and it's all their fault!

I'M PISSED!     I'M BITTER!    and   TODAY I HATE MY PAST!

As that little girl took me by the hand and walked by my side I felt a bitter-sweet happiness. I always wanted a little girl, always dreamed about when I would be able to raise a little girl and make her so much happier than I ever was. Don't get me wrong, I love my son dearly, love him with every ounce of my being and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. At the same time though, I always thought I might have at least two children, I was the youngest of 7 children and know the value siblings. I probably wouldn't even be here today if not for my siblings and I would love for him to feel that special bond that is shared between siblings. I feel as though not only was I robbed of a special joy, but my boy was robbed too.

IT'S NOT FAIR! 

I'M PISSED!     I'M BITTER!    and   TODAY I HATE MY PAST!

I know I shouldn't feel this bitterness anymore. I know it's not healthy to be so pissed off, but at the same time I do feel it and I can't seem to control it. Last week I was happy and proud to be a survivor, but today I feel like a victim once again! I don't want to feel like a victim, I hate the darkness inside, but I can't help it. When I get slapped in the face with what was taken from me, what was so strongly desired and yet I can not have, I get mad and bitter and just plain pissed off!  I feel a bitter hatred toward those who hurt me, from the evil sperm donor to the evil big brother. From the evil egg donor who kicked me and beat me to the evil uncle. They all stole from me, they stole my youth, they stole my life and they stole my dreams. They stole from my son, they stole from my husband and that fact makes me even more angry. My husband could technically leave me and find some other woman who isn't damaged and can give him more children, there's nothing wrong with him. But he loves me and has eyes for no one else and so he stays with me and has no more children by choice. He's a good man that way and I am grateful every single day that he loves me enough to be satisfied with only one child. I hope my son builds friendships that will be close enough to replace the siblings he can not have. I hope he grows up happy and doesn't feel like he missed out on something by not being a big brother. I hope that I can move beyond this and stop feeling like a victim when my son and I watch another child. But tonight, for now, I can't help it .......

I'M PISSED!     I'M BITTER!    and   TODAY I HATE MY PAST!

Maybe writing in here will help me. My hope is that I will find the peace that I need to find and that I can begin to feel more like a survivor and less like a victim once again. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

Have a great rest of the week and a nice weekend. For those who have suffered in the past, remember healing takes time and it's ok to feel pissed and bitter and to even hate your past. It's not only ok but it's also completely normal. The choice you have to make is if you want to continue being pissed and bitter and hating or are you going to try your best to pick up the pieces and move forward. Me personally, I'm going to move forward because it's the right thing to do and the healthy thing to do. If I allow this to continue then I am allowing them to continue to rob from me and my family, and that's something I do not want. So I will work hard to look for the good in my life and to reflect upon the things I do have and not what was stolen from me. I will be thankful for the son that I did somehow manage to have and thankful to have a husband who is willing to stay with me even though he only gets to have one child. I will be thankful that I survived to share my life with them and  when I have days like today I will allow myself to feel pissed, bitter and hateful long enough to be healthy and then I will pick up the pieces and move forward once more.

At least that's my goal....I doubt it'll happen tonight because tonight.......

I'M STILL PISSED!     I'M STILL BITTER!    and   TODAY I STILL HATE MY PAST!