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Thursday, July 14, 2011

Recently I have been having dreams, I think they are more like flashbacks, but none the less they happen at night when I am asleep so I call them dreams. I don't know exactly why I have been having these particular dreams, but they are disturbing enough that I feel the need to get it out of my head and onto my blog wall. I find that whenever I have recurring dreams and then I put them down here the pain goes away and the dreams stop. Since I don't like having these dreams over and over again, I am all for doing whatever it takes to make them stop.

The dreams always start out with me as a little girl visiting my Uncle Victor and his wife. Now honestly I can not, for the life of me, remember his wife's name, we simply called her Mrs. Chin. Mrs. Chin had this long pointy chin and she always sat in a position similar to the Thinker Statue, you know elbow on knee and chin resting on the hand. My egg donor said that's what gave her such a big chin and I actually believed her at the time.  Anyway, we would go over there and then Uncle Deano would show up. I think he lived in the house next door or something, but I can't seem to picture it so I can't be sure. I just know whenever I went there he came by. He would always volunteer to take me outside to the barn to play or off to another room away from the adults, and my egg donor always was willing to let me go. The first time he had offered to show me the newborn kittens in the barn so the kitten lover in me had no clue what was going to happen. I got out there and he told me that the kittens only showed up with magic tricks. First I had to give him my shirt and if I took it off a kitten would magically appear. Dumb me listened, gave him my shirt and poof there was a kitten. Then if I took off my pants another kitten would appear. I gave him my pants and poof kitten number two. Then he told me if I closed my eyes and took off my panties that he could make 2 kittens magically appear. I took off my panties. Now by this time you can imagine what was going on with me. I was going into that zone that I have told you about before, that place where I become robotic and the little girl comes out and I do as I am told as if I am not even there anymore. I start to see myself from above, like I'm watching someone else from the ceiling. He produced 2 kittens but he produced them from between my legs. He had me sit down so that I wouldn't drop those little babies. With both my hands full he proceeded to fondle me, to slide his hand up my thigh and put his fingers inside me. I just watched the kittens and cried. I really was no dummy, I knew where this was going from my nightly meetings with the sperm donor and so I knew what I needed to do. I lay there and let him have his way with me and when he was done I put my clothes back on and went back inside the house in hopes of getting some cookies and milk from Mrs. Chin. Uncle Deano was actually one of my other uncles sons, he was a cousin but he was so much older we called him Uncle. He was always there when we visited and he always had his way with me. I hated him but what could I do? I was just a little girl and this is what I had learned was my role in life. I was there to provide satisfaction to older men, I was their play thing and I could never stop playing the game or say that I didn't want to play because then it would be forced on me and it would hurt worse than it already did. I was just a little girl, a victim of a cruel evil world.

Goodbye bad dreams!


I mentioned my cousin last night, I know she's going to read this so to her and any other abuse victim I want to say this.  I think you're pretty awesome and (to you cousin C)  I hope that we can build a friendship that goes beyond our genes. I hope you too can learn to move forward and love yourself, that you can find the peace inside. I know it's not easy but writing helps so text, start a blog, whatever, just never let the evil win. You got away so now the healing can truly begin! It takes a lot of courage to write these things out and most times when I do I end up crying before the post is over, but then the tears stop and I feel a small scab forming over the wounds inside me and I know that the healing process for that particular piece of my life has begun. I know you and I seem to have a lot in common so I know you have it in you to do this, to heal and be the person you want to be. You are amazing because you too are a survivor! Never let anyone, not even yourself call you a victim anymore!



Have a great weekend everyone and remember kittens do not magically appear when you take off your underwear!

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