Here we are, it's Thursday and time for me to think about my past.....which is NOT something I generally relish. I try to avoid it most days, but I read somewheres that wasn't healthy and that I should look into my life, let go of what's in there and then I will FINALLY be able to move onward. I think it was a message from my older sister through Facebook, but whatever, she's older and wiser than me so I'll take her word for it.
If you are asking what "Thoughtful Thursday" is...here's the low-down. I was an abused child...was being the operative word! I am no longer a child and other than my husbands poorly chosen words on occassion (like who doesn't choose to use harsh words in an argument right?) I am no longer abused. However I have repressed and hidden a lot of my past away in the furthest regions of my mind, tucked safely away where it can no longer be seen. Problem is that as long as it sits there, it festers like some hidden unknown cancer, eating away at my very soul, causing me undo stress and suffering that I no longer need. It causes me to lash out when I shouldn't, it causes my depression and it makes me sad inside. I don't want to be sad anymore, I don't want to suffer anymore and this is one cancer I CAN and WILL cure! I have come to the conclussion that if I look into my past, if I force myself to remember, then I can release it and move on with my life a much happier person....and why pay someone to sit and listen to my tale when I can blog it weekly for free and PERHAPS someone else will read these words, they will have suffered as I have and they could use my newfound strength to help themselves.
So onward to this weeks therapy session...here's todays Thoughtful Thursday
I feel the need to talk about my father today, it's such a hard topic to discuss because he was a very sick man in so many ways! However, since talking about my mother these past few weeks, I have come to the realization that SHE was evil, but HE was 10 times worse...maybe even more! HE is what I truly need to recover from!
Let me give you a little background....when I was 2 my mother found my father molesting my 8 year old older sister. My mother screamed and hollered and yelled and he swore it would never happen again....did she kick him out? Did she call the cops? Did she do anything other than run her mouth? NO, NO and again NO! Sadly, she let him stay and believed his stupid lie. He just became more careful and made sure he was never cought again. I was the youngest of 7 children, 4 of us were girls, 3 of us girls were blonde the other a brunette...guess what hair color he liked...yep, he only went for the blondes. My one lucky sister has no idea just how lucky she was! Since we're being honest here, let me throw you for a loop and retract that statement......I am number 7 of 8 children, my little sister is also my niece (get my drift) When my older sister became pregnant at 16 everyone thought she was just a "bad girl" although my other blonde sister and myself knew the reality. I was 4 when my "niece" was born, I never saw my sister after she left to deliver the baby because once she realized she had a daughter she was not coming back...and who could blame her??
I was 2 when my father started in on me, still just a baby but that didn't bother him. He bribed me with candy...little orange circus peanuts. He would come home from work around midnight and everyone would be asleep except for me...I often had trouble sleeping, perhaps it was because I had to sleep in the living room on the floor, perhaps it was fear that kept me awake, whatever it was I was always awake and my mother was not. I was easy access, my older sisters all shared a room upstairs on the far side of the house and he would have to creep through without making any moise, go upstairs, try to get one of the girls out of their bed without waking any of the others or he could just walk in the door, wave the bag of circus peanuts and say "psst" really quietly and the little blonde girl would go to him. Why I went to him, why I fell for it, I'll never know. Perhaps it was a desire to be loved and feel loved that made me do it, but whatever it was it was no excuse for what he would do!
Once I got to him he would whisper that we should go to the shed so that mommy wouldn't hear the bag, so we would sneak out the back kitchen door into the storage area where there was a bare mattress lying on the floor....now that I picture this in my head I wonder how my mother could have been so blind! How could she see the mattress lying there and think it wasn't being used for something evil and so totally wrong???? Anyway, that is where he would sit me down, help me open the bag and then proceed to kiss me as I ate the candy, then he would lay me back and take off my jammies and whisper "shhhhhhh" Then he would lay on top of me so that I could barely breath but he would hold himself up enough to not smother me...right at the point where if I screamed it would be muffled by his body but wouldn't completely smother me...and then he would penetrate me! A small, frail, helpless 2 year old child! He did this until I was 7, until the day he packed his bags and left. That was one of the happiest days of my life, the day he walked out that door, tossed his suitcase in his trunk and drove away! In the years to follow he would try to get me to come visit him, try to convince me to go on a car ride, but I was not so young and stupid anymore and I could not be bribed with a bag of circus peanuts anymore. Oh I was not stupid, I would take his bag of candy and enjoy it, but I would not get in the car wih him and I would not be anywhere alone with him EVER AGAIN! There was still plenty of pain and suffering in my life...my mother physically abusing me, my older brother sexually molesting me, and the taunting and teasing that went on at school because I was wierd (if only they knew why I was so wierd) but that one bit of suffering was gone and I rejoiced in that fact!
All of this brings me back to a bitter resentment at my mother....you might be thinking it's because I think she should have recognized what he was doing, you might think it's because I think she should have stopped him, you might think it's because I feel she should have kicked him out the first time she found him with any of us girls...but it's none of those! The reason I am so bitter at my mother is beacause so many years later, when I was in college, I told her why I hated my father and her response was that I needed to stop fantasizing! Yes, she actually thought it was some sick fantasy of mine, she claims that after she found my father with my older sister that she NEVER let him be alone with any of use girls ever again, she says it was impossible for him to have molested me and that I was so overly jealous of my older sister that I was putting myself into her shoes and fantasizing that her life had been mine! Can you believe that? Who the hell fantasizes that their father raped them on a regular basis from the time they were 2 until they were 7??? Seriously the woman was mad out of her mind to think that anyone would actually fantasize about such an evil and completely wrong thing!!! So yeah, I'm a bit bitter towards her for that and I probably always will be! In the meantime, if she needs so real proof, she can take a look at my ultrasounds of my uterus, she can go talk to my doctors who were amazed that I could ever carry a child to term given the extensive scar tissue and damage caused by his abuse. She can talk to the doctor who told me that I would never carry another child and if I did my uterus would give out by 4 months along killing me and the baby as well....thus my tubes are tied and fried. He took so much away from me and she took evn more when she said it was all just some fantasy!
OK onto something happier...if you got this far THANKS for listening, I hope if you have suffered my fates you will see that I have picked up the pieces and I have made it my goal to be happy in spite of the pain. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, a wonderful son who may drive me bonkers at times but still keeps me happy and well rounded. It is him mostly that motivates me to visit my past and move onward because if I'm not happy inside he can see it and it makes him sad...and I never want to make my boy sad if I can help it. SO I help myself so I can help him grow up into a wonderful man! My life is not what it was, it is what I make of it! I can turn it around, I can make it a happier life and I have the power to make all that stuff in the past be nothing but a bad horror movie that sits on a shelf and doesn't get watched. Occassionally I'll see a clip of it, a preview of a rerun on tv so to speak, but I don't have to relive it, I don't have to repeat it and I certianly can change the channel if it comes onto my screen. I can admit it was a part part of my life, I can recall it so I know what not to do when it comes to raising my son, but it's not me and it's certianly not my life anymore!
This is my life now...
my life as Orions Mom and I LOVE this life, this life makes me happy!