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Sunday, April 8, 2012

Easter

It's not a happy one here but I hope it is for everyone else. I found out last night that my Sissy is in the hospital in critical but stable condition in the ICU. W do not know all the details since she was a bit incoherent and very badly banged up so much they had to knock her out to assess her situation, but what we do know is that she flew out of a moving vehicle on the highway and then that jerk of a boyfriend of hers took off leaving her for dead in the middle of the road. He has since been arrested and is being held for leaving the scene until she comes to and can tell us what the hell happened.

She has a damaged spine but the cord is intact so it looks like she should be able to walk again after she heals. She had a lot of internal injuries but they have the bleeding under control and she is recovering. She does have a breathing tube helping her breath but she has been writing letters into her kids hands with her fingers so there is hope. It's going to be a long road of recovery for her. I am happy to say that all of her children have been by her side and they are staying strong. Their support will help her more than anything, I just hope she learns from this and the next time we all tell her someone is bad for her or dangerous that she will listen.



Saturday, April 7, 2012

Reflections


I've decided to make a change. Instead of doing Thoughtful Thursdays I will now be calling my posts about my past Reflections. I have been thinking about this for awhile now mainly because I seem to have a hard time getting on here on any specific day to post and because sometimes I just need to reflect and it doesn't always land on a Thursday lol So today, I will begin Reflections

I started out by creating a new graphic to go with my posts. At first I was going to go for a picture of me looking into a mirror but my reflection would be of me as a child...but then I changed my mind. I felt that although I am reflecting on my past, I am no longer seeing that sad little girl in the mirror. As I reflect on my past I am seeing more of me in the mirror, me as I am now and how I want to be. I no longer see the evil egg donor staring back at me, I now see me, just me. So I opted to just put the two photos side by side, when I did that I realized that I no longer tilt my head to the right, I now tilt to the left...funny I never noticed it before. Realizing that took me back...

I remember the egg donor used to take lots of pictures. She seemed to hate us so much, I never understood why she would want photos of us but she took them none the less. She also used to yell when I would tilt my head. She wanted my head to be straight, she wanted my shoulders back and not hunched, she wanted that perfect kid instead of the one she got stuck with. She would slap me upside the head to get me to straighten up, poke her finger between my shoulder blades to make me straighten my back. She would hit and poke where the camera would not be able to capture a bruise and no one would notice. No matter how hard she tried, I would always end up with that head tilt. Perhaps it's just something I did out of habit, perhaps it was pure defiance, I can not be sure. Whatever it was, whatever caused me to tilt my head, I find myself wondering why I switched from one side to the other. Perhaps it's because I look at the world differently now, from a different perspective. Perhaps it's just some weird coincidence and there's no meaning behind it at all. Perhaps I am looking for something that simply isn't there......but whatever the reason I am glad to see that my reflection has changed for the better.

I look at those two photos and I can't help but notice that there is more to them than just a girl that grew up. Those two people are complete opposites of each other. Yes, one is young and one is older (I refuse to call myself old even though when I was that age I would have considered 41 to be ancient) but there are deeper changes, deeper differences. That little girl is so sad that you can see it clearly all over her face. She isn't smiling, but the sadness runs deeper...you can see it in the eyes. Her heart, her spirit, her very soul is sad. If you look into those eyes you see hopelessness, sadness, someone living day to day with nothing to live for. She is a little girl lost, my heart breaks for her. That little girl had no idea that she would one day have a reflection like the one beside her. She never knew that she would be able to smile, that she would have hope for her future, that she could actually dream and that those dreams would come true. I wish I could go back in time and give her that tiny piece of hope, tell her to hang in there it's going to be okay in another 30 or so years. I wish I could give her a dream to hold tight to. It would have been nice to know that someday I would be happy, that someday I would be free of those walls that held all my nightmares whether asleep or awake. I look at that little girls face and I keep asking myself how no one else saw it? How could they not know that bad things were going on, that something must be wrong if a little girl could look so deeply sad, sad to her very soul. How could anyone not notice and if they did notice why didn't they do anything to help? Why do so many people keep this attitude of what happens behind closed doors is none of their business? Why do people think they should keep their mouths shut tight while something is clearly wrong? These are all questions that I am sure I will never know the answers to. I can't go back and help that little girl, I can't save her from the pain and I can't give her anything to hold onto to make it a little more bearable. All I can do is tell my story so that maybe, just maybe, someone else will read it and they will see that there is hope for the future and maybe my stories will help them to hold on just a little longer. Child abuse is  a horrible reality for way too many children, I hope that one day they too will be able to look in the mirror and find a reflection that is smiling back. I hope that one day, like me, that reflection will say "You're a survivor!"
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Have a great weekend, enjoy Easter with your family whether it's a religious holiday or a bunny egg hunting holiday. Take the time to look at your own reflection and look deep into your soul...I hope you find that your reflection smiles back.





Thursday, April 5, 2012

OK So I've been VERY neglectful...

I'm sorry!

It's been a crazy winter here in New England and we have spent pretty much every single weekend going snowboarding as a family. It has been wonderful watching The Wild Child learn to ride and perfecting his carves, I find it very satisfying to see him love something that his father and I love so very much. Even better, his self esteem is growing because of it and although it is an expensive sport his smile makes it all worth it!

So I figured I should update you on what's been going on. We have been to see the doctor for med checks with The Wild Child. He's doing wonderfully, growing like a weed actually. We go in every 4 months to make sure he is growing well, but she said that if his next check up shows the growth rate continuing at the pace it has been we can drop that back to once every 6 months instead. Since March of 2011 he has grown 9 inches in height and has returned to the 95+ % for his age! It is great to see that since he did drop down a little while he was on Adderall. Since switching to Concerta he has caught back up and is now back on his path to great heights. His weight also continues to go up and he is now sitting quite comfortably at the 50% mark...something we have been striving for, for a very long time. The Wild Child used to consistently be in the 10% for weight so when I see him maintain 50% I get excited!

As far as school goes, The Wild Child has done very well. His English teacher has recommended him for Advanced English for 7th grade and told both of us that he is by far the best writer in his class and that NONE can hold a candle to him! Nothing like hearing something like that to make a mama proud! The only thing holding him back is that he only writes what and when he likes, which doesn't always match what the teacher wants and needs. She told him he needs to put himself out there more and to be proud of his writing skills because he is simply amazing when he puts his mind to it. His social skills are still growing, this is something that most ADHD kids deal with on a regular basis. He has a small circle of friends that he hangs out with, but he is still shy and struggles to fit in. I had his 504 meeting as well to make sure his accommodations are still being met and we added that he needs to have a word processor for his MCAS exams.  Up until now he has had the word processor accommodation for the regular classroom work and for taking tests, the teacher recommended we add it in for MCAS simply because he does much better typing than he does with pencil and paper. Basically, when he has to use pencil and paper he'll write the minimum, if that. He will give you five sentences and hope it's enough details to get partial credit. When he is allowed to type, he will pull out a five paragraph paper with terrific details and composition. She believes that if he pays attention to the details and he is allowed to type, he could possibly pull off a perfect score on his MCAS exams...I hope she's right! His other subjects are going well also, except for Social Studies. He just gets so bored reading the text book that he gets distracted and does not remember all the material come test time. Plus it's his last class of the day and his medicine is starting to wear off so his distraction levels are much higher. We are working hard to pull that up from a C since I know he is NOT a C student! He just needs to study harder and work with me here at home to remember the material for his tests. I am sure that by the time June gets here he will have brought that grade up and will be an honor student!

At home the Wild Child is becoming a responsible young man. He assists with the cleaning,taking out the recycling and the trash as well. He feeds the animals and does pretty much anything I ask him to. We have continued to bowl together in the Adult/Youth league and the local bowling alley and he was recently asked to represent the bowling alley in the Massachusetts State Championships for the fourth year in a row. He has moved up in age group so he will now be bowling against 11 to 14 year old boys, it might be a little tougher on him because he is at the bottom of his age range. I think he'll do well in any case, besides, it's all about having fun.

As far as me, well, I'm healing. Spending time with my child and working hard to provide a memorable youth for him is all I want. I struggle with some things from the past still but I am moving beyond most of the crap. Sadly, I think the biggest thing that has changed me and made it a lot easier to move forward is the fact that my Sissy no longer talks to me. I miss her dearly and I do love her, but she has made her choices and there is nothing that can be done to change her mind. She went back to the man that, in her words, "Had a bad habit of bashing my head into the floor" She decided to get married to him and anyone who couldn't accept him was going to have to live without her in their lives. She said he was taking care of her and that she didn't need to get a job or anything because he was paying all her bills. Shortly after that her cell phone couldn't be paid for and so it was shut off. She has no computer so no way to get in touch with her. She has closed herself away from everyone, including her children, and chosen this man over all of us. Although it breaks my heart and makes me sad for her, she made her choice and I hope she survives. I have to say though, I have a much brighter view of my life and my future ever since we stopped talking. I honestly think she was bringing me down with her "woah is me, my life is so terrible" stories. She cries about her issues yet she creates those very issues by refusing to change or accept responsibility for her actions and decisions. She has all the classic symptoms of a serious mental disorder yet refuses to listen to anyone or get help. As a matter of fact, if you do try to help her or talk sense into her she'll just stop talking to you and go about her life like you're the bad guy and the idiot. Well I am done with my sister making me feel like I'm an idiot for caring and so I am moving on without her. I will get back to writing my Thoughtful Thursday posts this week and I will begin anew on my path to recovery and a wholesome life where I can learn to smile, be happy and allow myself to be loved.



Sunday, April 1, 2012

Thousand Word Post

My handsome boy!