Christmas has arrived in our house and my little boy is now a young man. He is growing like a weed, so fast in fact that even the pediatrician said ....
"HOLY GROWTH SPURT!!!"
the last time she saw him. The Wild Child goes in every 4 months for a check up to make sure the ADHD medicine isn't messing with his growth or hurting his heart at all. This last visit, he had grown 2 1/2 inches and gained 10 pounds...in 4 months time! The pediatrician says that's not supposed to happen yet, he's supposed to wait until he's 13 or so. Of course this boy is one who has always taken his own path in life, he does not follow the curve of the norm. Never has and probably never will either. As I look at my boy, my young man, my heart skips a beat and pauses. This young man is my creation...yes my husband has helped to raise him and without his genes he wouldn't be here....but he is still my creation. I carried him for 41 weeks, I made sure I did everything possible to bring a healthy baby boy into this world. I held him in my arms, I provided his food for 19 months after he arrived. I showed him right from wrong. I have watched the tiny changes from tiny little baby to the young man that sits before me now. He is my creation and I feel proud.
When I am completely honest with myself, I never thought I could really pull this parenting thing off. I had such a strong desire to be a mother and to do a better job than my egg donor, but deep down inside I worried that I was going to screw it up. I was worried that somewhere hidden in the genetic makeup was a bad glitch that would rear its ugly head and make me mess up. I have watched other abused children grow up to repeat the cycle, I have seen the statistics, I knew I was swimming against the tide. I didn't know if I was strong enough to be a good parent but I had such a desire that I had to try. Looking at my young man sitting next to the Christmas tree, watching him help me hang ornaments and hope for Christmas presents. Listening to him sing and laugh and just talk about stuff that I don't even fully understand....it all warms my heart. I did good with this one, he was worth all the effort.
Don't get me wrong, I know my job is far from over and now that he is getting close to the teen years my job has multiplied and grown drastically. Much like his growth spurt, my job has expanded and now is even bigger. Now I face new challenges, new territory, places that I know nothing about because I have never been a teenage boy and have no clue what kind of stuff he is going through. I have had my hormonal changes, but it is not the same for a girl as it is for a boy. He goes through these anger phases where I went through crying phases. As a typical kid he is trying to stretch his wings and put distance between himself and his parents and it breaks my heart to watch it happen. I am not ready to let go, I am not ready to let him spread his wings and fly, yet again I am not sure I am truly ready for what life is dishing out.
I know I will overcome, I know in another 11 years I will look upon my son and smile with pride. I have faith in this fact. I believe that we will struggle along this path, that we will make a few mistakes, but in the end I feel deep down inside that I have built a solid foundation and that this young man I see now will be a great adult, someone I can look at and be proud of. I am certain that someday others will look at my son and say "His mother must be so proud of him." I believe in these facts, I believe them to be true even though they have not happened yet....and in my opinion, that is half the battle right there. Knowing, and believing in, your success before it has actually happened.....that is the key to success. If I can see the big picture, even if it's a little fuzzy, I know it will become clear in due time. The day that happens, the day where I can look back at this post and say "yep, I was right" that day will be a wonderful day. Until that day, I will look at the here and now...and right now this is what I see.....
I see a young man beside a Christmas tree dreaming of good things. Hoping he has been good enough to get all that he is dreaming of and truly desires. As I wrap presents and put them under the tree I know he is looking and analyzing the size of the packages and trying to figure out what they might be. Every kid does that right? I know he's waiting and hoping for a really big box to show up, hoping he'll get that one special present, the one that will just make his Christmas complete. I can't wait to watch his face as he opens these gifts that we have bought for him, I hope he likes them as much as I believe he will. I love this time of year because it brings out the kid in my kid and the kid in me. I never got to fully enjoy Christmas as a kid, my day to day existence was filled with fear and torture, not laughter and hopes and dreams. I enjoy watching my son have the Christmas' that I always dreamed of having....and that is my Christmas gift to myself.
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Not sure how much I will be updating in the coming weeks. As Christmas arrives life gets busier and I don't always get the chance to get on my blog. I hope everyone reading this blog has a wonderful holiday...whatever holiday you celebrate. In my house, we celebrate Christmas and so to you and yours...Merry Christmas ans Happy New Year!
