I did it....and I don't want to do it ever again!

Yep, for the first (and hopefully the last) time ever I went Black Friday shopping!


It started out with Toys "R" Us opening their doors at 12 midnight. I arrived at 11:00pm only to find a line of about 1000 people already standing there!! I waited and waited and waited the hour and was finally let into the place, they had blocked off the shortcut to the electronics section so I bee-lined my way around the store to it and there was already a line of about 500 standing there. There was an employee working redirecting people to the end of the electronics line and so I went to where I was told to be and waited. 1/2 hour later, I'm just about to the entrance of the electronics department and there (where I had originally been) was 3 teenage boys waiting to get in. The staff had left and no one knew there was an electronics line. Crazy pregnant lady in front of me and crazy little old lady behind me freaked out on the kids and I thought there was going to be a fist fight right there. A manager came over and then proceeded to say that since they didn't know there was a line they didn't have to wait behind all us...yeah not a good plan lady!!!! Chaos ensued, people freaked out and in the end I entered the electronics department with crazy pregnant lady and crazy little old lady and about 5 other people behind her all blocking the 3 boys....afterall we did as we were told by employees and we had been standing there now for almost an hour!! As I'm standing in the elctronics line I see someone I know about 5 people infront of me, her daughter and my son bowl down at the same bowling alley. She asks what I'm loking for, I explain it's the DSi Holiday bundle and wowwie luck of all lucks she actually has an extra coupon to purchase just that!! She gave it to me with a "see ya on Wednesday" SUCCESS!!!!! Got through the check-out line at the electronics department with 2 new DSi games, a new DSi carrying case and the holiday bundle with 5 pre-installed games! This was 1:30 in the morning now so yeah I stood in that craziness from 11pm till 1:30 am but I saved just about $150 bucks!


Do you think I was done???? Nah my biggest goal for the day was to get over to Best Buy where somewhere between 3am and 5am they were handing out tickets for a select few items...one of which happened to be the 120gb PS3 with Ratchet and Clank and Little Big Planet games all for $299 bucks. Now I priced out the PS3 because my son has told me that if all I could afford this year was one thing to please please please get him PS3 with Little Big Planet....regularly the gaming system is $300 and the games are about $60 each so yeah I'm saving about $120 bucks getting this package! So shortly after 1:30 in the morning there I am in line at Best Buy waiting with around 300 people for the slight chance that I would get a ticket to purchase this package with games that my kid will enjoy (other places had the PS3 with some games but those were war games and I don't want my 9 year old playing a game where he has to murder, rape and pillage) Did I mention that by now it was pouring rain and there was no shelter??? Yeah, I had a waterproof coat on but it was windy and cold (temps around 35 degrees) and raining!! By 3am I was soaked to the skin praying they would come out (the ad said the tickets would be handed out anytime in the 2 hours prior to opening and that the store determined when based on size of line and weather) At 3:30 (line has about 700 people now) they came out to say the tickets would be out at 4am!! 4am rolls around, and lucky me...I got a ticket! Went back to my car, got warmed up and waited for 5am! 5 am, got my 1 item, got into check-out and was out of the store by 5:30am!


Then it was on to Target where I got him a few smaller items on his Christmas Wish List and I was home by 7:30 where I passed out for a few hours! Now I have to drive to my mother-in-laws house and pick up Orion because that's where he spent the night so that I could do all this crazy stuff without him!


Over-all impression of Black Friday.....yes I saved almost $400 total, BUT the crazy people out there are out of my league! I now understand why it's called BLACK Friday, it's not because they black ticket all the items and everything is sold at rock bottom prices.....I think it's more along the lines of doing that crazy stunt brings out the darkness in people and turns them all evil!!!!! Next year I think I'll go back to sitting at my computer in my jammies waiting for midnight to strike so that I can get some online deals...maybe spend a little more money but I'm warm, I'm dry and above all the only crazy people I have to deal with are me and my hubby!

Thanksgiving Thoughtful Thursday

Since it's Thanksgiving this week I wanted to post a little early (gonna be watching the parade with my boy on TV in the morning and heading over to my in-laws after that so I don't think I'll be on the computer much at all) AND since it's Thanksgiving, I thought I would do a happy post about all the things I am thankful for this year :)

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First and foremost, I am thankful that my sister wrote in her journal at school about all the yucky stuff that was going on at our house and that her teacher was concerned enough to call DSS! If that had not happened, who knows where I would be today....probably 6 feet under and not sitting here typing all this out.....SO a hearty thank you to big sister #2 who finally got someones attention!

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Second, I am thankful for my wonderful social worker who held my hand while I cried and told everyone all the nightmares I had lived through and when my mother told me to stop fantasizing, that none of that happened! My social worker was an amazing woman and I am so thankful she took me away from all that!

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Third, I am thankful for my husband who has been by my side for 18 1/2 years! He's my lodestone, my rock, my shoulder to cry on when I feel lost and all alone!

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Fourth I am thankful that I have a healthy son and that he is growing up to be such a wonderful and loving child! I almost lost him at 30 weeks and the doctors still can not explain how my body held out and carried that child to term. The vast amount of scar tissue and damage caused by my childhood sexual abuse should have completely prevented me from getting pregnant in the first place and it certianly should have prevented a full term healthy 8 lb. 2 oz. baby boy! Yes, he's my amazing blessing, me reward for all that I suffered! He is the icing on my life's cake, he covers up all the cracks and breaks caused by getting stuck to the pan I was baked in. He is my everything, my pride and joy, my greatest accomplishment by far!

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And finally (just to wrap this up because Orion just got up and wants me to go play with him) I am so thankful that we live in a world of technology so that I can have this blog, I can have things like facebook and I can reconnect with very dear friends like Angel that I posted about just last week!

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I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe holiday! Enjoy the friends and family you have and make sure they all know that they are loved and appreciated by you! If you are one of those "Black Friday Shoppers" Enjoy, be safe and above all get lots of great deals!

Apple Pies Galore

No, I don't have pictures as proof, but I have been making apple pies with my son these past couple of days.


It started years and years ago when I was maybe 3 1/2 to 4 years old and my Grammy Grace decided I was old enough to start learning the family secret Apple Pie Recipe. I had to stand on a chair to reach the table but she taught me how to measure all the ingredients and make everything (including the crust) from scratch. By the time I was 7 she handed over the recipe and told me that I had to promise that I would never share the recipe with anyone who wasn't family, this was our secret. She told me I could tweak it a little as I wanted, but the basics were all right there and as long as I followed her recipe I would always be able to make a pie that anyone would love to eat. She died the following summer, victim of alzheimers, I am so thankful she shared that recipe with me!


And she was right!


Over the years I have tweaked the recipe to my own tastes a little, added a little something to make it mine and now I am teaching my secret family recipe to my son just like Grammy taught me. We started years ago when he was 3, teaching him how to mix ingredients, chop apples and exactly what kind of apples to use. Every year he gets to do more, until this year when he did all the work except for peeling the apples and mixing the dough because he has this thing about getting his hands sticky lol This year he did GREAT! He measured everything, rolled out his pie crust and even cut the slits in the top of the pies.....all 4 of them so far and we have 2 more to go!


See it started in kindergarten, we took a pie into school for his kindergarten teacher. Her son ate the entire pie so we had to make her a second one....which we happily made because Orion loved her so much! In 1st grade we made another pie for her and we also made one for his 1st grade teacher. In 2nd grade we made one for the Kindergarten teacher, the 1st grade teacher and the 2nd grade teacher (you see a pattern forming yet?) In 3rd grade I tried to cut him back a little, I told him we would of course make one for the kindergarten teacher (because she actually expects it and looks forward to it every year) and then he could pick out his favorite teacher from previous years to make a second pie for. Last year we made one for the kindergarten teacher and the 1st grade teacher because his 3rd grade teacher at the time was a substitute, his regular teacher was out on maternity leave, so he didn't know that one very well.


This year he wanted to make one for the 3rd grade teacher to make up for her not getting one last year, another for the kindergarten teacher, and another for his current teacher so he wouldn't hurt her feelings when she saw him come to school with pies for previous teachers (is he a thoughtful kid or what!) AND SO I have made one pie for the kindergarten teacher (already delivered to her house since she lives right around the corner) a second pie for his "girlfriend" and her family (also already delivered), a third pie for the 3rd grade teacher from last year, and a test pie for home which has already been consumed and enjoyed! We still need to make a pie for this years teacher and another for my in-laws because they won't let me in the door without a pie lol


This is what I do for thanksgiving, this is our family tradition. We make each pie thinking about the person we are making it for and why we are thankful to have them in our lives. We make our pies with love and thankfulness and it makes the pies all the sweeter for it.


I hope everyone out there has a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. However you celebrate, whatever your traditions, be sure to pass them on so that down the road your kids and grandkids can look back and have fond memories to share with their kids.

Thoughtful Thursday

Friendship...it's a vital part of an abused childs existance. Since you do not feel love and acceptance at home, when you go off to school it is something major to feel accepted for who you are dispite the mistakes you may make. Once you go into foster care and you get moved to a whole new environment that friendship becomes even more vital if you are taken from your home at an older age.


at least that's my opinion and my experience


You see I was placed in foster care when I was 11 years old. I lived in a very small town where everyone knew everyone and no one wanted to get involved. I was placed into foster care in a larger town where there were families who took in foster kids and thus I ended up being moved to a new school. I was removed from my home the next to last day of 5th grade, did not get to go back for the last day of 5th grade when we would have had a field day to celebrate the beginning of our summer. I got to spend my summer in a whole new town with a bunch of new people who had already established their own friendships with kids they had grown up with. My foster parents tried to help me out, they introduced me to a girl who was of the same age as me who lived down the street, her mother was good friends with my foster mother. But no matter how hard they tried to force me upon her, no matter how many times they tried to make us play together, she was already established in her friendships and didn't need some strange abused kid tagging along all the time. It was a time when 11 year olds could actually go off to their friends houses and not be worried about, you just got up in the morning, said good-bye and you weren't seen again until dinner time....lunch time if you got hungry and didn't have money to buy a snack at the store downtown. So I spent much of my first summer trying to tag along with my big sister who wanted nothing to do with me because I was a reminder of where we had come from and what we all were trying to hide.


Summer ended and I started 6th grade in a new town, in a new school. The girl down the road, well she wasn't in my classroom and a part of me was thankful because she was snotty and stuck-up and didn't seem to like me much at all. We only somewhat got along...it was more like she tolerated me because her mother forced her to than she wanted to be my friend. And so that first day of 6th grade, in a new town, in a new school was not a good day for me except for one thing....Angel.


Angel was in my class, I had never met her before, I didn't know her but she smiled at me and we just clicked. She was kind, seemed to actually want to be my friend and she was pretty so maybe, just maybe, I could learn a thing or two from her about make-up and being pretty too. She had beautiful long black hair with waves like the ocean, she had eyes that captivated you and made you look at them. We became fast friends! When my 12th birthday came around and my foster mother planned a surprise birthday party for me (inviting most of the girls in my 6th grade class) it was only Angel that I was happy to see there. The other girls were nice, but they weren't Angel! Angel is the tall one in the back row with the pink turtleneck. My foster mother took a few photos so I could remember my very first birthday party ever!

We went ice skating after cake and ice cream and presents....this is me and Angel right before we hit the ice. The photo is old and could use some restoration, but the smiles are there and you can see how happy I was with my friend!

Angel was the sister I never had, the friend who was there for me through thick and thin, the friend who asked me to come spend the night so I could escape the foster care world and feel like a normal kid if only for one night. Her parents were super kewl, I called them Mom and Dad...really I did! They were the parents I always wanted but never had, even her little brother (who annoyed her to no end) fascinated me! When I was with Angel, I felt good, happy, wanted, care-free, all the things a kid should feel but I had never felt before. It lasted a couple of years, but then Angel disappeared and I spent nearly 25 years wondering what happened to her, where she had gone, and deeply missing my very dear friend....that is until last night!


A few nights ago I was on facebook and happened to see a funny post from one of my aquaintance friends ....basically a person I went to high school with, we reconnected on facebook for our high school 20th reunion, but we aren't deep friends. ANYWAY, I went over to their profile page and saw on their friends list none other than Angels little brother, all grown up and looking as goofy as ever lol I immediately, without hesitation, sent him a message. I asked him about his sister and asked him if he knew how I could find her, asked if she maybe had a facebook page. The next day he replied that he would tell her to look me up....I was wowwed beyond belief! Then yesterday he sent me another message....simply a name and a city. I put that name into facebook search and there was my long lost friend looking back at me. Older, blonder, but still as captivating as ever. I immediately sent her a friend request, I told her that her brother had given me her name and within minutes I was reconnecting with my friend that I have not seen in nearly 25 years...the friend I so often wondered about but knew that being a girl her name probably would have changed ( as it has), the friend I thought would only exist in my childhood memories for the rest of my life.

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

I feel like I live in constant combat with virus and flu germs these days. Orion has kids missing from his classroom because of sickness on a daily basis, one kid just returned after being out for 2 weeks with confirmed flu. On and off he has run a low grade fever himself, some sniffles and a little cough....everything seems to be managable at this point. He does seem more tired than usual, actually falling asleep without the assistance of melatonin supplements (a godsend to any parent of an ADHD child taking adderall) THAT is unheard of! My boy does not sleep, he has never slept solid! Even as a baby he would cat nap through the day, never sleeping more than 20 or 30 minutes at a time and at night he would sleep at the most 2 hour stretches. As he got older he would fall asleep around midnight and be wide awake at 5 or 5:30 in the morning! Sleeping through the night was always something I envied, major jealousy would settle in everytime a mother would rejoice in their child sleeping through the night! Seriously, this kid does not sleep! I give him melatonin supplements so that he'll fall asleep by 10:30 pm and sleep until 6 or 6:30 in the morning......so when he's falling asleep by 9:30pm and not waking up again until 7am (without the assistance of melatonin)...I'm seriously checking for a pulse to be sure he's still alive and then getting concerned when I see him breathing just fine, concerned because I know he must be coming down with something and it's only a matter of time before the germs work their way into his system.


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Meanwhile I have a much weaker immune system because of poor nutrition as a child and a bad beginning so I get hit with these germs like a brick wall. I have been feverish, achy, had upset stomach and other "flu-like symptoms" and been sooooooooooooooo tired...thus the title of this post!

Dear Verizon...yet again

Previously I have had to call you every single month to have charges removed from my account. After 6 or so months you finally got your computers to understand that I did not want to pay extra money every month for the web space. Yet again, here I sit trying to get you to remove charges!
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See last month I decided to switch my internet and phone service from you to my trusty cable company because you do not offer cable service here in my town and you were not willing to work with me on the charges. You were planning on raising my bill about $25.00 a month and the triple play service through my cable company is way cheaper. So I called you, I told you I was switching companies and would no longer be using your internet or phone service. This morning I go to look at my account to see what I would owe you, since I knew you would charge me for every single day and sure enough you're trying to charge me for an entire month of service and not just a weeks worth.
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You people really need to work on your customer service skills, you need to work on your billing department and you really need to get yourselves into gear. Honestly, after my experience with you and the hassles of having to call you month after month to have charges removed is enough to make me never EVER concider verizon service again!
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Sincerely, One very disgruntled EX-customer

Thoughtful Thursday

I know I'm a few hours early an all, but work is slow so I have time on my hands :)

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As promised I am going to try to explain our living situation when I was a kid.

We lived in a good sized house, 4 bedrooms, a den (that we called the music room), a living room, a kitchen and 1 bathroom. There was also a dirt basement where we kept the potatoes and other veggies from the garden. We had a good sized shed and a 2 car garage where the deer would hang after we had killed them, the cars were always just in the driveway.

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Now upstairs in the 3 bedrooms, we had my older brothers in one room, my older sisters in another, and my mothers husband in the third. He was mentally retarded (literally) and the father of older brothers #1 and #2. On the main floor I slept in the living room and my mother slept in the bedroom with the man I have always thought was my father (see this post if you are confused there) Older sister #1 was my fathers daughter, but not my mothers daughter. Older brother #3 and older sisters #2 and #3 are my full blooded (or so I thought) siblings. All of us, except older sister #1 had my mothers husband listed on our birth certificates as our father even though it was not true. And of course remember older sister #1 had my niece (who was also my sister) and I have no clue who went down on paper as her father....it's probably blank!

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Are you confused??? Yeah don't feel bad, that happens to a lot of people!

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So once I was 7 my so-called father left us and my mothers husband also left! He grew some brains or something I guess. He was a really nice guy, I always liked him but knowing his reality I really felt sorry for the man! He got a divorce from my mother...and really who can blame him???

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I rarely talked to anyone about our living situation...it was embarrassing to say the least! Yep, my mother has her husband living upstairs but sleeps with my father in the room right under his! What a nightmare that must have been for him! It is the knowledge of this living situation and knowledge that she was open enough with one affair to make it so easy for me to believe what my sister told me just the other night. She has no proof except for the fact that her father (the man I believed to be my father) had called her when I had that science class. He asked her what he should do because he didn't want me to know that he was not my father. According to my sister this was a secret that was known by everyone but me. Now I don't know much about genetics, but I do know this....My mother was an A blood type, according to my sister my supposed father was an AB blood type, All my siblings are A blood type but I am an O....with an AB blood type in the mix an O is an impossibility! So apparently this is truth and he was not my father afterall!

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So where do I go from here? This man who helped to raise me the first 7 years of my life, the man who I believed to be my father for 38 1/2 years is not my father! A part of me is angry because no one told me, a part of me is baffled by this bit of news. It really is a bit of a shock to find out after 38 1/2 years that the person you thought was your father was not your father. I mean I already knew our family was full of lies and deception so why not just tell me the truth of the matter back then? Why not just throw that last little bit in there? The worst part of it all is about 5 or 6 years ago I happened upon an obituary online. It had listed my supposed father as this persons spouse and had my older brother #3 listed as a surviving son. A day or 2 after reading that I happened to receive a phone call from none other than my mother. I asked her if older brother #3 was my full brother or my half brother....you should of heard her...she hemmed and hawed and you would have thought she had a heart attack right then and there. I could tell she was caught off guard. Then instead of answering the question she asked what would make me ask such a thing. I explained about the obituary I had seen and I could hear an audible sigh of relief! Then she only assured me that she had given birth to both of us, she never actually answered the question as to whether or not we were full blood siblings or half siblings...now I know why! Why she didn't just fess up at that moment is beyond me!

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I feel like I should go be a guest on Maury Povich or something!

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Well that's it for this week, I have too much to process I think. The amount of deception and lies is deeper than I thought and it amazes me!

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People, don't deceive your children! They will eventually find out the truth and it'll only give them a reason to hate you....in my case it's just another reason but still it's wrong and we shouldn't do it. You can lie about Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny but when it comes to these kinds of things you can hide it forever because they will find out and do you really want that hanging over your head?? I know I don't! Thank goodness I know beyond all shadow of doubt who the mother and father of my son are and he knows too...and it's the truth!

Hmmmm Interesting........

So today I was talking to my sister on the phone and our conversation (as it usually does) wandered back into our youth and our nightmare of a childhood that we survived. This is older sister #3, 3 years older than me and the one I am close to. I occassionally will exchange words with older sister #2 on facebook, but we never talk on the phone or anything like that. She is 6 years older than I am and she was often more of a mother figure to me than a sister and a friend. Older sister #3 is not only a sister but also a friend. So we started talking about her weight since she had posted it on facebook and I was joking because she's always been lighter than me and for once I weigh less than her. She commented on how she had never weighed this much except when she had been pregnant and I jokingly asked her if she was. I commented how we knew accidents could happen....just look at me, I was always told I was an accident that shouldn't have happened. It was here that she let it slip.....mother used to also call me her "love child" and I always had a hard time figuring out how I could be a "love child" and still be an accident. I don't know how I didn't put all this into perspective before.

She said that she wasn't supposed to tell me, I asked her what...heck I'm almost 40 now, have survived a lot in life I think I can handle this one. So she asked if I ever wondered why our father had refused to offer his blood when we were studying genetics in high school...I hadn't really thought about it back then and had actually forgotten until she mentioned it. Well apparently around the time I was conceived my mother had an affair with the next door neighbor and apparently the man I thought was my father actually was just the father of my siblings and not the father of me. He knew he wasn't my father, everyone knew he was not my father...everyone except me. It was the family secret that was not to be let out. I always knew the mailman was my father, I had always wondered and thought about it, but until today I did not know that my gut instinct had been right all along!

Honestly I'm not sure how I feel about all this, I'm not sure if it's a good thing to know. My sister had been afraid that I would be angry and hate her forever over it, I don't hate her at all. I know it's not proven fact and that it's all just words and perhaps mother thought her affair produced this love child when in all reality the man that I thought was my father is indeed my father. They didn't do any paternity testing ever, the name on my birth certificate is my mothers husband at the time, not even the man who was supposed to have been my father (it was a crazy existance that maybe I'll go into details on Thursday about) I just don't know what to think. The man who my sister says is my biological father was a dirty old man, but then again so was the man I have believed all these years to be my father. Does it really make a difference?? I'm not so sure. I'm too old for this crap! This is what happens after years and years of hidden secrets come to the surface!

A parenting dilema

There's this boy that Orion knows, the were in class together in kindergarten, both have ADHD and social problems that makes their lives difficult. They get along great and play well together. I don't mind having this boy over here to play, he does well and I am quite used to dealing with the quirks of life with ADHD.

The problem arises when this boy wants to have Orion come over to his house. See his mother is very young (don't get me wrong, I am not against young mothers in general, heck one of my best friends is an awesome mother of 2 and is 13 or 14 years younger than me) The problem is that she has 3 children from 3 different fathers, is not married, currently dating some guy that is not the father of any of the 3 children and all the guys she has ever dated has had problems with drugs and drinking. There was one time back when the boys were in kindergarten that she had Orion over to play with her son. She told me she would return him at a certian time and then showed up almost an hour late. She did not answer her phone when I called her to find out where she was, I knew one of her neighbors (she was living in an apartment at the time) and I called that neighbor to go check if maybe the kids had her distracted and maybe she lost track of time only to find out they weren't even there! She had decided to take them off to some playground somewhere and hadn't taken her cell phone and had lost track of time....but the point was that she had my child, didn't tell me when she opted to take him somewhere, and did not take any form of communication device with her. I know it was 4 years ago, but I am still concerned because of it. She never understood why I had been upset that day and that concerns me as well.

2 thousand word post :)

They say a picture is worth a thousand words:

Thoughtful Thursday

What makes us who we are? Is it the sum of the events in our total life? Is it the way we were raised? Is it the way we think about the path our life takes? Can a single event change who we are and the way we see things? Do we truly have a destiny in life or do we have the ability to change our path?

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I have often asked these questions without knowing what the right answers are or even if there is a right answer. I am the type of person who likes to have definate answers for everything...I like to know the plan before it happens and I don't feel comfortable when there is no real plan. So life often has me feeling uncomfortable, it often leaves me with more questions than answers and often I end up pondering things that most people probably don't even think about. Today, I am pondering once again!

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You see, my life has had so many hardships, so many difficult times that I often think to myself "WHY AM I HERE?" Am I living proof that everyone (including God) makes mistakes? Perhaps God realized he had made a couple of really bad mistakes (my parents) so s/he put them together to create a bunch more kids and see if one of them could right the wrong. Perhaps God thought that if the bad creations created 7 other creations then chances are at least one of those 7 would survive to turn it around and make something good out of the bad. Am I just a pawn in gods game of life? Do I have the ability to make a decision on my own or are all of my decisions already written down somewhere in the book of destiny and I am just moving through the paces?

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A part of me likes to think that I do have the ability to change things, to change my path and right the wrongs. A part of me thinks I can be the good seed that came from the rotten tree and I can raise a child who is well rounded and strong even when I feel so weak. But then, when I think that, I also think....the apple never falls far from the tree and the evil soil that fed their soul also feeds mine. As Aunt Marge in Harry Potter said "If there's something wrong with the bitch, there's something wrong with the pup." I am the pup, the runt of the litter, and there was definately something wrong with the bitch that was my mother.

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And finally today I remember back to my youth, to a time when I was maybe 6 or 7 years old. It was late at night and I was asleep, woken by the screams of my mother looking for her hairbrush. Someone had obviously used it and not returned it....a cardinal sin in her book. So everyone was dragged out of their beds by the hair on their heads, they were lined up in the living room like little soldiers who had just been busted for sneaking off barracks. We were informed that no one in the house would be allowed to sleep until someone fessed up to taking the brush and then produced said brush and accepted their punishment. If no one fessed up then we would all hunt for the brush until it was found and then we would all suffer the punishment so that the right person ended up being punished. The brush in question had a brown handle with black nylon bristles, we all knew it well. It made your hair shiny and smooth and (in the case of my older sister #2) made the boys want to look at you. It was an awesome brush, everyones favorite and no one was going to step up and accept a punishment for something they did not do. It was most likely mother who had hidden the brush so that we couldn't use it and forgotten where she had hidden it....this happened often.

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And so we all spread out on our mission....find the brush as slowly as possible so as to put off the punishment as long as possible. While hunting for the brush, try to muster your energy and thoughts....what would it be this time? Would it be the leather belt or the horse whip? Would she merely hit us with her bare hands, or maybe (dare we hope) she would find it, realize she had hidden it and forget all about punishing us and send us to bed like a normal mother??? NAH that would NEVER happen....she would punish us just so that she didn't have to admit she had messed up!

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Finally I heard the yell, "I have it!" It's older sister #3 and she's in the bathroom. We all line up again, as ordered by the evil queen, and await our punishment. She demands to know who took it....no one will answer. I refuse to suffer alone as do the others, no we take this together united brothers and sisters, even if one of the others made this mistake we would suffer with them so they did not have to suffer alone. I am then instructed to go get the metal yard stick behind the living room door...man that always sucked! Having to go get the implement of pain, knowing that since you were the one sent you would have to suffer first. Why did she always pick the little one to go first? It wasn't fair!

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She would holler at me to stop dragging my feet (easy for her to say she wasn't the one facing her doom) and so I would speed up just a little so as to not anger her much more. But then odd thoughts start running through my brain...I could walk right past that living room door, into the kitchen and escape out the front door. I could run away or at least go hide in the chicken coop until she calmed down....no I had to do this, I had to face the music and take this punishment because if I didn't it would be worse once she found me and the others would suffer more for my insubordination.

I carry that big metal yard stick back to her, lean over the couch, drop my pants and prepare for another beating. Bite my cheek, try not to cry, look into my older sisters eyes as I feel the first stinging snap of the cold metal upon my tiny bottom. I wince and hear her words "Cry and you'll get more!" I try not to cry, but I can't help it, it cuts my skin, it bruises my very soul and once again I ask......

.

"Why god? What did I do to deserve this?"

.

to which I recieve no reply, just another snap of the metal upon my tiny bottom. And when she is done with me, when I can barely stand, let alone walk, she calls for older sister #3 and she goes through the line...youngest to oldest, making all of us watch as she beats the others reminding each and every one that if we cry we get more, for that is her moto, her way of teaching us not to touch her hairbrush with the brown handle and black nylon bristles.

Kept him home

Boy woke up this morning with a 101.9 fever, sore throat and sore, swollen glands in his neck. I called the peds office just to go over his symptoms and make sure it wasn't anything to worry about..they asked me to bring him into the lab for a throat culture and an H1N1 test just to be on the safe side. I took him in for that...in and out in less than 3 minutes...and they'll call me tomorrow only if it's positive for anything. If I don't hear from them it's negative and he's just got a virus/cold and nothing to worry about.

So needless to say he stayed home from school, hung out on the couch watching cartoons and playing xbox all day long. I maintained the fever with alternating doses of motrin and tylenol, but as soon as it wore off the fever came right back. Looks like no school tomorrow either since the fever won't stay down with out fever reducing meds. Not that he'll mind in the least lol he's not a real big fan of school!

Looks like the boy is getting sick :(

Yep, Orion has been coughing a few times a day the past few days, sniffling on and off but nothing too major. Tonight I did the unimaginable (that's kissing his forehead just don't tell him I told you cause that's just way embarrassing for a 9 year old!) ANYWAY, he felt warm so I popped the old thermometer into his ear and came out with 101.2. I know, I know, it's not that high BUT the school sent me an e-mail just today about reported cases of the flu and how it wasn't confrmed H1N1 but it was definately the flu and if the kids show a fever over 100.1 we should keep them home until they have had a 24 hour period of being below 100.1 without any form of fever reducing medication. SO it looks like Orion will most likely be staying home from school tomorrow and I am praying for no fever so he'll be able to go to school on Wednesday. I do not see a reason to take him to the doctor though...that's a sure way to get him sick and keep him home for a week lol

Thoughtful Thursday

This is gonna be a quickie today because I'm trying to type it out as Orion is bouncing on his trampoline outside with a friend that came home from school with him.

Basically todays thoughts came to me as I opened Orions bookbag today to find his school photos :)

The photo cd that came with the pictures had all 3 of those styles on it, the photos themselves are only in the color.

Anyway, as I looked at his photos I was taken back to my elementary school years when I would be victim of the worst taunting and teasing because I was basically the only kid in the class who did not get photos back. The kids around me would all be so happy, laughing, cutting out their pictures, signing the backs and exchanging with other kids in the class....I would sit there sadly unable to because my mother had refused to "waste the money" I had a really good friend who would always give me her photo and I cherished that because it meant I was her real friend, someone she cared enough to give her class photo to, yeah that was really nice and made the day a little easier to get through. She was always kind and generous, always willing to play with me and talk to me when the other kids would be laughing at me, picking on me for being wierd or calling me 4-eyes because I wore glasses. She never said a mean thing to me and always had a kind sympathetic look on her face, she and I still talk through facebook and she will always hold a special place in my heart!

Today was a big day

Our children have many firsts in their lives and once we get past the first smile, first word, first tooth, first steps, first day of school etc we stop thinking about the firsts for awhile.....then something happens and another first comes along to remind us that our babies are indeed growing up and they aren't babies anymore.

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Today was such a day!

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Today Orion had a friend over, he called his friend up and asked him to come and he said he would be here in a few minutes (he lives just around the corner) and indeed 5 minutes later he's at the front door asking to use the phone to call his mom and let her know he arrived safe and sound. He rode his scooter to our house without her supervision. And so after playing here at my house for a couple of hours they decided they wanted to go over to his house for awhile and of course they wanted to ride their scooters and they didn't want me to come. I watched my boy put on his helmet and scoot away down the street calling out to him to call as soon as he arrived and then waited anxiously by the phone for what felt like forever (but I'm sure was really less than 5 minutes) for him to call home.

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My baby had his first solo flight today, what a scary moment for mom!

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate....

There is no doubt in my mind when it comes to regular everyday kinds of childhood vaccines, yes definately vaccinate. There is no doubt in my mind when it comes to even the regular annual flu shot....there's only been 1 year that Orion didn't get it and that year he ended up missing out on his best friends birthday party because he was at home with a 104.5 fever and the flu!

The question about vaccinating comes around when it concerns the H1N1 vaccine. Some say it's harmless, a good idea, better than not getting it and taking your chances. Others say it's a really bad idea, untested, and not even sure if it will work. I have read on blogs about moms not getting it for their kids after discussing with their doctors and finding that their doctors won't give the shot to their own children, I have read pharmacists won't get the shot unless they are forced to because they know what's in the vaccine (now that's a scary thought!) AND the biggest thing that got me to thinking?????? This is literally the only year where our health insurance company called us to remind us to get our son vaccinated!!!! They did not call when he was a newborn, they did not call when he was a baby getting annual shots. They did not call when he started school and would suddenly be exposed to way more children and germs, they have NEVER, EVER called us EXCEPT when they were doing their surveys to make sure we didn't have other forms of insurance that could help THEM save on costs! Now they are calling me reminding me to get my son vaccinated with what appears to be an experimental vaccine????

HMMMM makes me think SHANANAGANS!

So what are your thoughts??? Will your children be getting the H1N1 vaccine? Help a mom out and give me some thought on this pretty please!

Thoughtful Thursday...a day late

Hubby was home yesterday so I didn't really get around to posting on the blog. He's the kind of guy who wants to be my hero, he wants to protect me from the big bad world...and I love him for it except when it comes to my past.

He always says it's no good to run from your problems, that you have to face them in order to make them go away.....but when I talk about my past he has a contradictory point of view. He doesn't like it when i talk about my life before, my family, growing up in Vermont etc. He doesn't like it because he wasn't able to be there to protect me and stop the hurt. He says I should just forget about it, that was my life then and this is my life now and I should just move on. Although I do agree that moving on is important, lord knows I don't want to be stuck in my past, I do feel it's important to remember my life and try to learn from past mistakes. Not just my past mistakes, but also the mistakes of others. Besides, who I am today has a lot to do with how I grew up. If I had not been abused I might not feel so strongly about certian topics, I might not be as careful about a lot of things, I might be too trusting of strangers and get badly hurt....afterall, if my own parents could do the things to me they did, what would a stranger do??? They don't have an emotional bond, they don't even know my name, they wouldn't miss me if I no longer existed.....not really sure if that was true of my parents either but it's the way we think when we are abused. We love our abusers regardless of how they treat us because they are our parents. Today, I can honestly say that I no longer love my egg donor and my sperm donor, they were merely the pathway to my existance, they were not really parents, but tyrants in my young life. I can understand now...back then I loved them because they were my parents...today I understand they were messed up big time and did not deserve that love.

Anyway, back to hubby, he gets very upset when I talk about my life as a child....even if it's to share one of the few happy childhood memories I have. His face gets tight, his muscles get tense, you can literally see a transformation happening. That look of anger and hatred used to put me back into my zone thinking he was angry with me....now I know he's just angry at my past because he couldn't protect me from the evil. A part of me simply does not understand this train of thought. Shouldn't I be the one who is that angry that they can't even mention it? Shouldn't it be me that gets tense when my life is mentioned? Shouldn't it be me that wants the conversation to stop?? He was born in 1969...2 years before me...what could he haave possibly done to help? How could he have saved me from that pain?? He couldn't, but I shouldn't have to forget that I existed and suffered and (more importantly IMO) I SURVIVED! I am living proof that there is life after child abuse, there is hope. I feel awful for those poor children who are so much worse off than I was, the children who are dead before they have a chance to get out, the children who are returned to their parents because they aren't old enough to have a voice to speak up and say "NO I will not go back!" I don't see how those social workers can be so blind, how they can't see the parents have not fixed their issues....only that the issues were gone when the kids were in foster care. There's an old saying that I once heard about men

"Once a cheater, always a cheater"

Why doesn't that apply to abusers as well? Are there any cases where the parent abuses the child, the child gets taken away, given back and the parent never abuses again??? I doubt it!

"Once an abuser, always an abuser"

Now that makes sense to me.

There are no specific thoughts today, just my random thoughts. Ya'all have a great weekend and hug those babies close 'cause they'll only be little for awhile and one day they're going to understand you a heck of a lot more than you want them to...and when that day happens I hope mine can look back and still say with earnest

"I love you mom!"

I've been tagged :)

I was tagged by Sweet Mama Jones

She's really awesome, you should check her out sometime if you haven't already :)

A - Age: 38 (I know, I'm getting OLD!)

B - Bed size: King

C - Chore you hate: Laundry

D - Dog's name: Gig..official AKC name is Gig A Byte (he was named by my son when we bought him, Orions favorite show was Hotwheels World Race and the inventor of the cars had a pet computer named Gig so that's what he named his dog lol)

E - Essential start your day item: COFFEE,and if I don't have it BEWARE!!!

F - Favorite color: Pink or Purple, it depends on my mood but it's always one of those two

G - Gold or Silver: Gold...if we're talking my hair color lol For jewelry it really doesn't matter, I like them both just fine ;)

H - Height: 5'7" and 1/4 Although I USED to be 5'9"

I - I am: simply me...you don't like that well tough ninnies...go away lol

J - Job: MOM secondary job is Virtual Customer Service Rep.

K - Kids: Not kidS, just one kid and he's awesome (unless you count the hubby who is just a big kid, then yeah I have kidS lol)

L - Living arrangements: I live in a little house with my hubby, my son, 5 cats, a dog and a hamster

M - Mom's name: My egg donor mother was named Fleda, my mom...aka mother in law, her name is Pam

N - Nicknames: Mom, Ma, Deb,

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Emergency appendectomy

P - Pet Peeve: Leaving the cereal bowl in the middle of the living room floor!

Q - Quote from a movie: "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. " Inigo Montoya..The Princess Bride

R - Right or left handed: Right

S - Siblings: LOTS! 3 older brothers, 3 older sisters, 2 younger foster sisters

T - Time you wake up: Whenever the boys (hubby and Orion) kick me out of bed in the morning

U- Underwear: what about em? Yes I wear em, most people do right?

V - Vegetable you dislike: Spinach...ewwww yucky!

W - Ways you run late: Honestly I usually early because I worry so much about being late lol

X - X-rays you've had: Do I really have to list them all??? Let's see...Head, arm, wrist, leg, ankles,back, shoulder, elbow...did I mention my mother was abusive???

Y - Yummy food you make: APPLE PIE!!!! It's to die for!!! I use my Grammy Grace's recipe, I have yet to find a person who doesn't like my pie...even people who don't like pie love my pie!!! When Thanksgiving comes around I'll be baking pies daily for a week because so many people have tried my pie and now buy them off me (great for black friday shopping ;))

Z - Zoo favorite: I love all the animals except the birds that I am deathly allergic to but my all time favorite has to be the White Tiger


OK TAG YOU'RE IT!!!!

Crafty Mummy 2 Two

Pregnant With Cancer

Postcards From Insanity

The Adventures of Mr. Busypants

Thoughtful Thursday

It's funny how life seems to pass us by and before we know it we're getting old, our kids are no longer kids and we find ourselves looking back saying

"WHAT HAPPENED??"

Where does the time go? why does it go by so fast and why is it the older I get the more I find myself asking these very questions??? If I were an everday kind of girl I could turn to my mother for advice, ask her what to do about my son not wanting to stay in bed at night, how to get him to tell the truth even when he thinks he's going to be punished. I could ask her about menopause and the night flashes and how to get through them without driving my husband insane, how to deal with the raging hormones and overall craziness that comes with "the change of life". I could do these things if I were an ordinary girl.....but I'm not and she wasn't an ordinary mother and so I must doggy paddle my way through this thing called motherhood, I must struggle and try to figure out the right way to do it and hope I don't end up with a screwed up grown-up who looks back on his life asking these same kinds of questions. I can only hope that in doing the opposite of what she would have done I manage to get at least some of it right.

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One of the things I remember most about my childhood is the kitchen we had. I know that sounds a bit wierd, but you have to have lived there to understand. First in the corner of the room the ceiling had a big hole in it where you could see the slats of wood and insulation hanging through. Then the floor was covered in this wierd brown stuff that, no matter how much you swept, it always brought up dust and dirt and you could never, EVER, get it clean (which resulted in many hours of sweeping and beatings for not getting clean) The old stove in the corner was the stove behind which, my older sister would hide her egg yolks because she hated yolks and mother wouldn't let you leave until you cleaned your plate. I clearly remember the smell that came from there after awhile when enough egg yolks had been hidden there and they began to rot. Mother would smell it, get mad, pull out the stove, scream, beat and then try to get my poor sister to eat the rotten eggs because it was wasting food! The first time I saw that I made sure my sister never "wasted" another yolk by eatting her yolks for her. I was a good little sister and cleaned the plates of siblings if they didn't want to eat something...probably how I survived as long as I did. I remember mother forcing us to sit at the table and not leave until we had finished every last drop on our plates and if we fell asleep in our plates the food was placed in the fridge where it would be re-served cold and disgusting for breakfast. If we fought and chose not to eat it for breakfast and went off to school hungry, we were served the plate of cold gross food for dinner that night. This cycle could go on for days on end until we broke down and ate the food. We quickly learned tricks for hiding food so we didn't have to eat some of the things she fed us. Dandilion greens was the bane of my existance in my youth, HATED eatting them, they taste gross and bitter but sometimes it was the only thing to eat. My favorite time of year was fall and early winter when we got to go deer hunting and kill something yummy that would feed us for months, provide warmth for our feet in the form of slippers and really fun horns that could become short swords that we could stab each other with or stab at trees or other inanimate objects and pretend they were our mother.

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Dreams are the window to our minds, they show us things about ourselves we may not fully understand. The dreams show our inner-most desires in unusual ways. For instance, I clearly remember this one dream I used to have all the time when I was a little girl. I would be running across the front yard way ahead of my mother who was chasing me. She always had either a rolling pin or a leather belt in her hand and she was always screaming like a mad banshee, nothing comprehendable, just screaming as she chased me. I would get to the edge of the road and pause to look for a car or a truck, anyone to flag down who would be able to save me from this raging woman. No one ever came! I would look over my shoulder and she would be running at me full speed, I knew she was going to quickly catch me so I would start running down the road and as I ran I would flap my arms like a bird, close my eyes and say to myself "I wish I could fly" When I opened my eyes I would be soaring over the telephone poles and electrical wires, looking down I would watch my mother shaking her fists screaming for me to "come down this instant!" But then I would laugh, look away from her and fly off into the mountains where I knew I would be safe and she would never ever find me. I remember that feeling of freedom and comfort, feeling safe and content. But then I would wake up and look around only to realize it was just a dream and I was not safe and no matter how much I wanted it to be different, nothing had changed.

So what does that dream tell me? It tells me that as a child I longed to escape the reality that was my life, I longed to get away and be safe, I wanted to be free of the evilness that I had to live with. I wanted nothing more than pure joy and freedom. I don't really recall exactly when the dream stopped recurring, and just the other day, for some reason I thought about it and tried to pinpoint when I stopped having it. I do remember having it while in foster care, usually before court meetings or DSS meetings. The times when the judge or my social worker would sit down with me, my foster parents, and my mother to decide if I should return home. I guess I dreaded those meetings because I didn't want to go back, I so strongly desired to be free and remain free that the dream world helped me escape for a few blessed hours while I slept. I've come to the conclussion that I must not really mind the life I live now because I have not had that dream in many many years...my dream must have finally come true and I have finally escaped!

Thoughtful Thursday

Do you see this face? Do you see the sadness in the eyes? Do you see the pain hidden deep inside? This was me when I was my sons age.....a sad hurting little girl!

As I go through my life I have always searched for answers to things that had no real answer. Things like....how could my mother beat me? what caused her to be the evil person she was? Why was I molested? Why were my sisters molested? Why didn't anyone look beyond those eyes and lend a hand? I have searched long and hard for these answers...to no avail. But then a part of me sees things in me and I start to think that maybe I can find an answer....

I suffer with PMDD (Premenstrual dysphoric disorder ) It's like PMS on steroids! It's horrible, you wake up pissed off and irritated and it does not go away. Your body hurts, you snap at anyone who looks at you...not just the ones who look at you funny. The littlest thing sets you off into a rampage and you end up either screaming and yelling and feeling like hitting someone or you end up bawling your eyes out trying to figure out what the hell the number is to the local psych hospital because you are certian you are going crazy! It starts about 1 to 2 weeks before your lovely friend shows up for her monthly visit and it goes away within a few days of her arrival. I take medication for it because I realized I was turning into my mother and although I NEVER once hit my child, I did yell for no reason and I knew I was hurting him emotionally and I did not want to do that. PMDD did not set in until after my son was born, doctors say the hormonal changes of age and giving birth probably activated it. ANYWAY...I wonder if maybe that is my answer....maybe mother suffered from PMDD too. Maybe it's genetic and she didn't have the modern medical studies on her side. I don't want to make excuses for what she did, but for some reason it helps me to overcome if I can rationalize it to the extent that it was something she couldn't control....like my PMDD. I can only control it with medication.....she didn't have that option.

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One memory I want to talk about today is one that doesn't directly involve me...I had remembered it one way but in talking to my sister recently I have discovered that it is not exactly as I remembered it and I want to put it down so it becomes concrete....because once it's concrete I can then let it go.

This was one of the most scary moments in my life, it was shortly before we were taken into foster care. Big sister #2 had come home from school on the bus, she had flirted with the bus driver (I think they were having relations, but I am not positive about that as I was only 11 and I was out of the loop on relationships at the time) Mother had obviously seen something happen because I remember standing in the living room and mother was beating the crap out of Big sister #2 for being a "devil woman" She was screaming at her, calling her all kinds of names saying she was going to send her to hell to live with the devil...in other words she was going to kill my big sister! I remember big sister #2 spitting in mothers face and that's when it got really bad. Big sister #2 was the responsible one, the one I looked to for mothering...this was not good. Then big sister #3 grabbed mother and tried to pull her off of big sister #2 since big sister #2 was lying on the floor covered in blood and mother was still beating the crap out of her. Mother grabbed the pillow off my bed (remember I slept in the living room) and she put that pillow over big sister #3's face and was determined to kill her right then and there. I was terrified, I remember thinking to myself that if they were killed I would be next or worse I would suffer worse beatings for the rest of my life because she would have less kids to beat on. I remember the fear, my throat closing, having trouble catching my breath. I remember the inability to cry out, to do anything other than watch this horror....then my mothers boyfriend pulled mother off of big sister #3 and saved her life....little did I know that he was also raping her and big sister #2! I now wonder if they would have prefered to die at that moment, were they disappointed that they had been saved to suffer another day??

Initially I had not remembered that day like that. I had somehow blocked out older sister #3, it was older sister #2 who was under the pillow in my memories, it was she who had been saved by mothers boyfriend. Somehow it had been too much for me to watch big sister #3 get hurt in that way. As I talked to her on the phone we talked about our childhood memories and I brought that one up and she corrected me. I think my therapist and myself have been right all along...there is a zone I had/have where I block out the really bad stuff. There is a place inside me that holds the memories correctly and in the right places, I am hoping that in talking to my big sister she can help me fill in the blanks so I can find peace. She and I were very close, I honestly would be lost without her!

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Another memory I want to mention is not a physical abuse nor a sexual abuse story...it is more of a psychological abuse, an example of the mind games mother used to play. I was little, so the details are very vague, I have no reason why she did this, just that it happened. It was confirmed by my sister so I know it did happen.

See I remember one day for whatever reason mother took a shotgun out of the gun cabinet, some bullets and headed to the basement. What I didn't know was that she had also taken a bottle of ketchup down with her. She went into the basement and locked the door, I stood at that door screaming and crying, afterall she was my mother and she was going to kill herself. I did not understand. We heard the gun shot, mother cried out, then we heard her staggering up the steps. She opened the door, there was what I believed to be blood all over her shirt. I screamed, I was histerical...one of those people you want to slap in a horror film! My brothers and sisters were all laughing in her face, they were yelling at me that it was not real, that it was fake. I did not believe them...I was traumatized, probably in some form of shock, I just kept screaming at the top of my lungs and they just kept laughing and yelling that it was not real. Mother got mad because they were laughing, they got into big trouble for it because her nasty mind trick didn't work and she took it that they didn't care about her...I was just a little girl, maybe 4 or 5 years old, I still don't understand how she could do that to me.

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Well that's it for this week. Today is a 1/2 day at school and I have a parent/teacher meeting so I need to get into a shower and get cleaned up so I can look somewhat presentable lol

And the thought for the week....don't play mind games with your kids, it might not work out the way you thought it would. Chances are they're smarter than you think and they'll just laugh in your face. Kudos to my brother and sisters for doing just that!