Thoughtful Thursday

We didn't always have running water or heat or electricity when I was a kid, my mother often failed to pay the bills and so we would lose out on some of the basic needs in life. The running water problem was often a winter time issue because the pipes would freeze in the frigid Vermont winters. At these times we would have to share some basic things like bath water.

A little history here concerning baths...we were only allowed 1 bath a week each, there were no if's, and's or but's about it (that's what my mother would always say) Me, being the youungest of 7 children...yeah you guessed it...I was always the LAST to get a bath! Now imagine, if you will for one (rather disgusting moment) melting snow in a pot on top of a pot belly wood stove to get the water warm for a bath...or rather a series of baths. We would melt the snow, dump the water into the tub, melt another pot, so on and so forth until the tub was full. Then big brother number 1 got in, followed by big brother number 2, followed by big sister number 1, big sister number 2, big brother number 3, big sister number 3 then finally ME. EWWWWWWWWWW yes, I had to take many cold baths in the same water as the 6 older siblings. Gradually those numbers went down....big brother number 1 moved out, big sister number 1 ran away, big brother number 2 eventually left and so by the time I was 9 it was down to 4 of us and if I was lucky (and the others were fast) I MIGHT get a luke-warm bath and the water was only some-what disgusting. I might even come out feeling half clean.

another problem with no running water...yep you guessed it....no toilet flushing! Seriously we would have to melt snow to pour into the toilet to get it to flush. Now this often happened after a few of us had used the toilet and we lived by the rule of "if it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown melt and flush it down" If the stove wasn't lit it had to sit no matter the color until the stove was ready to melt some snow. We also had problems with affording toilet paper and yes I did learn to wipe on a sears magazine! Tear a page out, tear it in 1/2 then wipe and make sure it goes in the trash barrel and NOT into the toilet where it would clog up the pipes! Yeah our home was pretty gross to say the least! To this day I don't allow Sears magazines to enter my house! Just seeing one makes me cringe and makes my butt sore! You think 1 ply toilet paper at the Walmart restroom is bad, try a sears magazine and you'll have a whole different perspective!

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That was a generalization of life back then for me...here's something specific!

I remember very clearly the first time I swore in front of my mother. Granted, I half deserved my punishment...I was mad at her for hitting me all the time and asked her "Why are you such a BITCH?" Yep I was about 5 years old and I should not have used such a word! Anyway, upon hearing that come out of my mouth I was dragged by the hair of my head to the bathroom where mother discovered there was no more soap, so I was dragged by the hair of my head to the kitchen where there was a bottle of liquid lemon scented Joy. She pulled my hair until I screamed then proceeded to squeeze the bottle and pour the soap down my throat! I choked, I gagged, I spit it out and got more. I puked and was forced to eat it because that was my punishment for calling my mother a bitch!

From that day forward I called her "A witch with a capital B" and never to her face. I wouldn't even say the B word again. To this day, if I say the B word I can taste the soap and then the vomited soap and trust me it was NOT a good flavor! Lemon scented is NOT lemon flavored and in case you were wondering...Joy is not allowed in my house. Once I asked hubby to pick up some detergent so I could wash some pots that were too big to fit into the dishwasher and he brought that stuff home...it went straight back and I exchanged it for something different because I can't abide by it! If we stay at a hotel with a kitchenette in the room and it has Joy, I'll wash the dishes with shampoo before I will touch the stuff and the Joy goes directly into the nearest trash can...I just can't have it around me!

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Well I'm off for the weekend, gotta make it the biggest and bestest of the entire summer since the boy goes back to school starting Tuesday the 1st. I don't know how he managed to grow up so fast and become a 4th grader...hell I remember 4th grade myself! My teacher was Mrs. Kawaski and she was AWESOME! Hopefully Mrs. Montana (no her first name is not Hannah lol) is as wonderful to my son as Mrs. Kawaski was to me :)

As promised...pictures of the shirt pillows

Here's Orion with his new shirt pillows....in true form I couldn't pick just one to post lol

Yep, he's one happy little man right now!

Mom wins brownie points

Yep I got COOL MOM Brownie Points today and all it cost me was about 10 bucks and a few hours of my time!

You see Orion has these t-shirts that he has picked up from different mountains he's snowboarded at Burke, Sunday River and Sugar Loaf. The problem is that he LOVES the t-shirts but when he tries to wear them he looks like Jethro Bodene (ya know from the Clampets) He wanted to keep them but they were just too small for him so Mom got this creative idea to turn them into throw pillows for him. I stitched up the arms and neck (by hand since the machine is broke), stuffed em with fiberfill and now he has some fun throw pillows for his room and his t-shirts are safe and sound from being thrown out or given away. I'll have to take some pictures to show off my handiwork...I'm now the proud mom to one very happy boy!

Thoughtful Thursday

So here we are, it's Thursday and time for me to lay my thoughts out on the table.



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I've come to the conclussion that I can only hash out the memories of my childhood so much, it's tiring and makes me quite exhausted! I hate thinking about it, and although I know it's good to recognize what has happened in your life and learn something from the pain, I also feel like it's all just one bad story after another. And then after I realize this and I realize it's important to share that pain so those who also suffer can see that it is possible to get beyond the pain and it is possible to recover and NOT repeat the cycle. It is hard to talk about it though, it's hard on so many levels, but my biggest problem with this is one simple thing....I tried this before with a mommy board and it caused me so much pain it's not even funny! I was a member of this mommy board for years, talked to these same women for years, watched their babies grow into toddlers and big kids and they watched mine do the same. We became what we could call "close cyber-friends" never having met face to face and only seeing pictures of each others families. They claimed to be good christian women, people who were supposed to be loving and kind. I talked to them on the phone, even talked to their children on the phone and their stories were believable. Then one day I mentioned my rough childhood a little, they wanted to know more. We created an online journal room where only the closest in the group could see so that new-comers wouldn't be able to see the deepest parts of our lives, things we would normally only share with a friend. So I started talking, I started telling them some of my stories, I started to open up and share with them my pain and suffering as I have done on here. At first it was all good, a lot of "I'm so sorry you had to suffer so" "I'll pray for you" and other sympathetic things. But then one of them (no one ever admitted to doing it but I have my suspicions) took one of my posts and mass e-mailed it to a bunch of people she knew. She called me a freak, she laughed at my pain, she said that she didn't believe a word of it and that I was just seeking attention. The e-mail was also "accidentally" sent to me. I put that in quotes because I don't believe for one minute it was a mistake or an accident, they did that on purpose to cause me even greater pain I am sure. I was hurt and I called my so-called friend, I cried to her and she tried to comfort me telling me it was horrible and she couldn't believe anyone would do such a thing. A couple weeks later I was banned from the board for no reason what-so-ever. I just so happened knew the main administrators password (having been a co-admin and main design person for the board) so I logged in under her name thinking that MAYBE it was a mistake. She had her account set up to pop up any PM's she had so as soon as I logged in her PM's (that's private messages if you're wondering) popped up and there it was in black and white. She had sent messages to others telling them I was a liar, that I made up the stories from my past and that she didn't believe a word of what I had said in that forum. She was the so-called friend, the so-called christian I had called, yet here she was talking that way about me. She said one thing to my face while plotting behind my back with others to have me banned from her board and hurt me as much as humanly possible.



And so I sit here today debating whether or not it's safe to type out the words in my heart, to type out my thoughts. You see stories on the TV all the time of people abusing their kids, killing their kids, driving them into lakes, going the wrong way in traffic etc. Do they not believe those stories either? Is that just the media wanting attention? Do they really believe that everyone lives in this perfect little world where kids are wanted and loved by both parents and never sexually assaulted, beaten or neglected? Or perhaps they just don't want to see the evil in the world and therefore only see what their little minds allow them to see. I don't know what it is, but I will probably never go onto another mommy board again and let people see anything other than what is in the here and now, because my past is what it is, it made me who I am, but I refuse to let people call me a liar and tell me what did or did not happen to me as a child.

With all that said, I think this week I'll take a break from my childhood memories, I'll post another story next week, but this week, for some reason, it's just not happening for me so I won't push it.

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Another thought in my head this week is my sweet hubby :)

Yesterday we planned a surprise for Orion, we had planned to take him to WaterWhizz again but not tell him. The plan was to take him out to breakfast and then tell him that Daddy was going to come shopping with us at BJ's and be helpful. We generally do our shopping on Wednesdays so it would not really catch Orion off guard, we figured we would get on the highway like usual and just kind of miss the exit lol

At the exit Orion starts asking why we weren't there yet, he had seen the exit, just didn't notice that we didn't get off it. He asked what was taking so long since it usually only takes a minute after getting off the exit to get to BJ's. We told him that Garmin (the gps) told us to keep going and maybe it knew a different way. He shrugged it off and went back to looking out the window. As we finally got off the exit he really questioned us because he could see the big bridge that goes over the canal and knew we were down near the cape...so at this point we broke the news and told him we weren't really going shopping...to which he started bouncing in the seat and laughing and woohooing! He was thrilled with the surprise.

As we pulled up to the place we realized that we had figured the opening time wrong (weekdays they open a little later) so we drove down to the local Walmart, bought some new sunblock and walked around and then headed back. In the time it took us to do that the place became packed! There was a line at the entry gate that reminded me of a rock concert...probably a good hour if not longer wait to just walk in the gate....so we opted to leave and not do that. So as we drove away I suggested the beach (since we were already all the way down to the cape cod canal anyway) and hubby agreed it was a good plan. We found a great beach where parking was only 7 bucks and we had a blast! Orion dug in the sand, hubby an I had some good long conversation without interuption and everyone left feeling happy and content. It was nice to have a good conversation with hubby :)

Of course you're probably wondering why this all would make me think about how sweet he is??? Yeah I thought so...it's coming don't worry :)

At one point we walked out into the water and it was COLD water lol It was 95+ degrees outside so the ocean water felt extra cold but refreshing...but still tough to walk into. At one point I spotted this shiny white rock under the water...the water was so clear you could see everything and this rock just stood out! It was an amazingly bright white perfect quartz rock and I really wanted it...but I didn't want to go all the way under to get it. So I begged and pleaded with hubby and he (being the awesome sweet hubby that he is) went under into the cold depths of the ocean to grab me one little rock! It's now sitting here on my desk, a reminder of what a great guy I have that he'll brave the freezing ocean just for me :) Am I lucky or what?

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So ladies...I hope you have a great weekend :) Take some time to look at the people you love and if you're lucky enough to be married to a great guy (or even a not so great guy) find a new reason to fall in love all over again...it's totally worth it and very refreshing to say the least!

I've been tagged

I've been tagged by Jennie to name 6 things I love and that make me happy, she tagged me a few days ago, I just didn't realize it so here goes :)

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First and foremost my son Orion! He is my A-Number 1 little man that makes me smile on my worst days and makes everything clear! How could anyone not love this face

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A close second would be my hubby...he's my rock, my corner stone, my foundation. He's everything I could want in a man and more! He makes me happy and shows me unconditional love even when I don't feel I deserve it, he's one heck of a guy for sure!

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Third...definately COFFEE! Gotta have my junk, as a matter of fact, if I don't have it you don't even want to be near me, I'm a complete bear without my morning coffee...just ask my hubby or Orion, they'll agree 100% if I don't have coffee, it's not a good plan to even speak to me lol

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4th.....my work. I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I love my job...I work from home on a schedule that I set around my life on a weekly basis. If something comes up and I need to cancel out I can...no problems, no hassles. If I want to take a vacation I just don't schedule myself to work, it's that simple. I only have to make sure I take at least 1 call in a 42 day period to keep my contract with the company. I get to be a stay at home mom and still make some money to help the family have fun...it's really a pretty sweet deal IMO!

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5th I love my pets...yes they drive me crazy sometimes (so do my husband and son and I still love them lol) but they are super sweet and cuddly and if I'm not feeling well they always nudge me and lay down with me and try to help me feel better. They love me unconditionally and always happily greet me when I walk in the door...especially the big 96 pound black lab named Gig. We have 5 cats, the dog and now the new teddy bear hamster as well. The hamster is still warming up to us, but he's getting more social and I'm sure in no time he'll appreciate the hand that feeds him just like the other animals in the house.

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finally my brothers and sisters...although we are all separated by many miles and we never see each other there is a bond that will forever be there. We are mutual survivors, we have a bond and we have a love that is deeper than those miles that keep us apart. We have all seen sorrow and pain, we have all suffered at our mothers hand and we have all come out all the stronger.

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So there you have it! Those are 6 of the many things that make me happy! Here are the ones that I am tagging!
1. Sandi

2. Sweet Mama Jones

3. Jeannie
4. Britainy

5. Snarky Mom

6. Melinda

OK ladies go tell me what you love and what makes you happy!

Thoughtful Thursday

The recent death of Orions pet has taken me back to a beloved pet I once had

Her name was Mitsy and she was my best friend! I loved my Mitsy with all my heart and sadly when I was about Orions age I lost her and it's all my mothers fault! See Mitsy had to live outdoors in a doghouse, she had to stay outdoors rain or shine, snow or heatwave, she was not allowed in the house. One cold winter day the weatherman warned that it was going to be the coldest night in years, he warned to bring all pets indoors, to not be outdoors yourself, that everyone should seek shelter and warmth. I begged, I pleaded, I cried "Please Mama she'll freeze to death!" The answer was a resounding NO! I asked if she could let her stay in the dirt basement, it would be warmer than the outdoors...the answer again was a resounding NO! All night I cried, I knew I would never see my Mitsy again.

The following morning I went to her doghouse, there she lay...frozen and dead! I had to say good-bye to my beloved Mitsy all because of a cold hearted woman wouldn't let her come in from the coldest night in years.

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"Mom why does everything have to cost so much?"

That's a question I am asked quite often and it usually makes me laugh...I don't know why everything costs so much but I agree with the kid when he says it's just too much to ask $2.75 for a gallon of gas! I swore I would NEVER EVER say this yet I find the words tumbling out of my mouth...

"I remember when......"

I remember when you could pull up to the pump, ask for $1 worth and actually be able to drive away without an empty tank still.

I remember when you could walk down to the local general store (alone or with only siblings) pick up bottles along the way (big ones were actually 10 cents, the cans were still 5 cents) and buy a buttload of candy with the money from the redemptions. I also remember the counter at said general store full of jars of stick candy, fireballs and tootsie rolls, etc for only 1 or 2 cents a piece!

I remember when coke was only a drink, not something you snorted up your nose and if you did snort it up your nose it was because something hillarious happened when you were in mid-sip

I remember rubbing baby oil all over my body in an attempt to get the best tan possible in the fastest manner possible. Who would have thought that you would actually want to BLOCK the sun????

I remember when the music you listened to came on vinyl and it was fun to listen to it on 78 speed where everything sounded like it was being sung by the Chipmunks. I also remember our car having an 8 track player in it..not a multi-disk changer or mp3 player!

I remember when kids entertained themselves with only their dolls, trucks, sticks and imaginations...there was no such thing as a DS, xBox or wii and certianly nothing like the internet!

I remember when the only phone you had was connected to the wall by a cord, the receiver was also connected by a cord and if someone was on the line when you called you heard the beep beep beep of a busy signal.

And finally....

I remember when I swore that I would NEVER say I remember when...it was everytime I heard my mother say something like "I remember when a loaf of bread was a nickel" lol I guess that'll teach me to listen better when people tell me to "Never say never"

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And so ends another Thoughtful Thursday. May anyone who reads this have a wonderful weekend and remember the next time the weatherman says it's gonna be rough on the animals and to bring them inside...it's a good idea to listen or your kids will remember and resent you FOREVER!

Good-bye Lightening

Orions little white mouse named Lightening went to be with her sister Zap this morning. Zap had passed away last winter. Orion had bought the 2 together about 2 to 2 1/2 years ago at the pet store with his allowance and loved them both very much. He often played with them, ran them in their ball and around his room. Lightening held out longer than Zap only because I was allergic to them and until we could find a solution I had placed them in the basement away from the main living area....it got too cold and Zap was found laying on top of Lightening to keep her warm....Lightening with the help of heating pads, warm water and lots of love and attention from Orion came back from the brinks of death, Zap was too far gone. I found a solution to my allergy online (glass tank instead of an open wire cage) and Lightening lived upstairs from that moment on. This morning we found her looking very tired and worn out and when we offered her pretzels (her favorite snack) she merely carried it to the corner, laid it down and then walked away. We knew she was going to die, she never passes up a pretzel! She lay in Orions hands while she faded, he petted her and sang to her and loved on her until her last breath. Then we put her in a tea box and laid her to rest in the ground outside behind the garage.

And incase your wondering....yes Lightening and Zap were named after the old school Gladiator Girls lol If you're my age you probably remember the Gladiators of the 80's....yep he likes the old show better and he named his mice after the 2 best ones.

The good and the bad of "Adderrall vacations"

At Orions med-check in May the pediatrician told me we need to get Orions weight up, He had grown quite a bit but hadn't put on a single pound.....all because adderral makes you lose your appetite and not eat. Orion will go all day and eat only a couple of forced bites of a sandwich for lunch, no snacks, no desire to eat at all. The pediatrician suggested we try giving him med vacations over the summer so he would eat food and gain some weight. Give him fattening food like donuts and ice cream, things that would make my hips grow at warp speed. So that is what we have done. I'll admit that somedays I simply can not deal with the hyperactivity, I can't take the level of energy he has so I have to give him meds so he'll actually listen and hear the words I say. I'll also admit that every Wednesday he takes a dose of meds so he bowls better for league and keeps us in the top 5, but for the most part I have been trying to let him have more days of no meds and just having fun as a kid in summer. When it rains for days on end, yes he gets meds...I like to keep my house resembling a home and not something Hurricane Orion took out. When he has meds he listens, he's a good helper around the house, he's fun to be around and I can keep up with him like an average everyday kind of parent, when he doesn't have meds...it's a whole different story.

Today, I let him go without, but today he also went to a birthday party. It was a 4 hour outdoor playing in the water kind of party so I thought he would be ok....turns out he's the only kid who got spoken to because he was nailing the other kids with water balloons when he wasn't supposed to and he had to have a little sit down. That's the downside of adderrall vacations....my kid will be the one kid who gets out of control at the party......I wonder what he'll be like in another 10 or 12 years when he's in college at a party.....hmmmmm do I dare imagine???? I don't think so!!!

Thoughtful Thursday...........

Thank you Sweet Mama Jones for giving a good topic for this week :)

This is actually a memory of when I was 6 or 7 years old...it always makes me laugh, makes me smile, it was the day my mother was struck by lightening. No I am not a sicko, so take that thought right out of your head...I think it was the wrath of God trying to punish her , it was mother natures justice, it didn't kill her so it's all good.

See it was a rainy thundering day and mother decided for some reason she needed to go out and move the picnic table off the grass. I don't know why but she simply had to so she goes out there in the thunder and lightening and I had to watch from the front step praying (in my evil little head) for her to get hit. The rain poured down hard (it would have been termed raining cats and dogs) she was soaking wet, her long brown hair hanging down her back in into her face, plastered to her skin. Her clothing was soaked yet she dragged that picnic table off the grass, then I heard the boom of the thunder and looked up into the sky as this big bolt came down from the sky and suddenly my mother was no longer holding onto the table, but was instead standing frozen glowing with light. She shook a bit then dropped to the ground and did not move. I yelled to my brother "I think mom is dead!" and he laughed, literally he laughed. I think he thought I was joking at first, but I really did think she was dead. It had been kind of comical looking and inspite the drastic scene I did find myself giggling a little. A part of me was scared...what would happen to us now? Another part was rejoicing...kind of like the munchkins in the Wizard of Oz...the evil witch was dead. Of course it turned out she wasn't dead, she had a pulse and she survived to beat me another day, but that day she didn't have the energy nor did she muster the energy for a couple of weeks. I enjoyed my vacation from hell.

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Another funny memory of my mother...since I'm working on her misfortunes that made me giggle...was when a bird crapped on her head! I don't want to use the "sh word", I'm being polite and using kid talk lol Anyway, it was a nice summer day, I think I was maybe 5 and we were all sitting around the picnic table when this bird flew overhead. Mother fwlt something hit her in the head and we al saw this black-n-white blob on top of her head dripping down the side, she puts her hand up to feel it and starts yelling and cursing....we kids burst out laughing it was totally AWESOME!!! Mother nature sure knew how to dish it out.

BTW, for even better laughs, it happened again when I was about 10, totally cool! What are the chances of having a bird crap on your head twice in your lifetime??

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I'm running late for work so I gotta cut this one short. Tomorrow we're taking Orion off to the beach for the day and I will try to get pictures to share...won't be taking the digital (salt water and digital cameras don't mix) but I'm sure I'll be able to convince hubby to get one of those water proof disposables so we can remember the day on photo paper.

I hope everyone has a safe and happy weekend and remember....life is what you make of it so make something yummy covered in chocolate :)

An update on Stellan and other thoughts

Thought you might like a little update on Stellan...the little boy with the rapidly beating heart...well he's doing AMAZING! He never ended up coming to Boston, he actually started responding to a completely new and different drug and his little heart slowed down enough that they sent him home. He will eventually need to come to Boston for the surgery to repair his heart, but now they can try to wait until he is bigger and/or older. He is on daily doses of heart meds to keep his heart beating properly, but he is home and doing well.

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I have the best husband in the world...no seriously I do! We've been together for over 18 years now and he still amazes me. I come from a prettty rough background, thus I bring into our relationship A LOT OF BAGGAGE! I am sure that I am not the easiest person to live with on my best days, yet he's still here, still loves me and still hugs and kisses me good night every night. Don't get me wrong....we fight and we fuss like cats and dogs at times but any good relationship has that....I personally think that if you truly care you will fight, the ones you don't fight with are the ones you really don't care all that much about losing...JMO but it sounds good doesn't it?

Back to hubby...he takes really good care of me, makes me smile and makes me laugh. He is my solid rock when I need one, never soft sand. I am actually amazed that he puts up with me and my emotional turmoil that I can only compare to an emotional hurricane or tornado! As you may have seen in my Flashy Fridays and Thoughtful Thursdays my life before was not pretty and that is what creates such turmoil for me. He is strong, weathers my storms and helps me through as well, somedays I feel like he carries me way more than he should and I am so grateful for his strength and love every single day!

The link I said I would post for you

For anyone who might want to read more about the the little boy placed for adoption on craigslist

http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/BO120552/

Web Warning...watch your blog photos

This is an ad on craigslist:

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A CUTE BABY BOY FOR ADOPTION (LONDON)
Date: 2009-07-19, 11:16AM BSTReply to: mailto:peter_mark76@yahoo.com?subject=A%20CUTE%20BABY%20BOY%20FOR%20ADOPTION%20(LONDON) [Errors when replying to ads?]
A CUTE BABY BOY FOR ADOPTION HE IS VERY HEALTHY AND READY FOR ADOPTION FOR MORE YOU COME BACK TO US
Location: LONDON
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1277456374

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The saddest part of it all is this baby that they are offering up for adoption is actually the 8 month old son of a woman who lives jst a couple towns over from me!

I saw it on the news just this morning, I can't find a link to the story online but if I do find it I will post it. The basics of it is this:

The mom received an e-mail that she needed to see this ad. The woman then went to the ad and replied to it looking for more information. She received a photo of her own son that she had posted on her family blog! Yahoo has closed out the e-mail account posted but the authorities would not verify to the news station whether or not they wee investigating further. The mother says that although her son is not being physically harmed she feels he is somehow being violated.

Can you imagine this womans anger? Can you imagine being her? I have seen people on mommy message boards do stuff like this, steal photos from a blog and then create an identity, use the photos as their own children and feed their fantasy life. I don't know why these people do this, but it's so wrong....and this seems even worse to me. Personally I can't see looking on craigslist for adoption unless it's a dog or a cat, a human child is not something I would turn to craigslist for, it's just whacked in so many ways. I think of the people who are that desparate though, the people who want to adopt and can't go through regular channels to get the child they want so they turn to something more shady like craigslist only to be duped, get their money taken and never get the child they so desire because he belongs to someone else. Or worse, perhaps these people would concider stealing this child and actually going through with the adoption...I wouldn't put it past the sickos in this world to do just that! Honestly I hope this was just some sicko looking to make a fast buck and that thought never crossed thier mind.

Hug your children people and watch what you post. Concider watermarking your photos or even locking up your photos so that only the people you let in can see them. I used to mark all of mine, I might go back to it on principle, it's a sick sad world we live in, let's help our little ones stay safe!

Thoughtful Thursday.......

Here we are, it's Thursday and time for me to think about my past.....which is NOT something I generally relish. I try to avoid it most days, but I read somewheres that wasn't healthy and that I should look into my life, let go of what's in there and then I will FINALLY be able to move onward. I think it was a message from my older sister through Facebook, but whatever, she's older and wiser than me so I'll take her word for it.

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If you are asking what "Thoughtful Thursday" is...here's the low-down. I was an abused child...was being the operative word! I am no longer a child and other than my husbands poorly chosen words on occassion (like who doesn't choose to use harsh words in an argument right?) I am no longer abused. However I have repressed and hidden a lot of my past away in the furthest regions of my mind, tucked safely away where it can no longer be seen. Problem is that as long as it sits there, it festers like some hidden unknown cancer, eating away at my very soul, causing me undo stress and suffering that I no longer need. It causes me to lash out when I shouldn't, it causes my depression and it makes me sad inside. I don't want to be sad anymore, I don't want to suffer anymore and this is one cancer I CAN and WILL cure! I have come to the conclussion that if I look into my past, if I force myself to remember, then I can release it and move on with my life a much happier person....and why pay someone to sit and listen to my tale when I can blog it weekly for free and PERHAPS someone else will read these words, they will have suffered as I have and they could use my newfound strength to help themselves.

So onward to this weeks therapy session...here's todays Thoughtful Thursday

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I feel the need to talk about my father today, it's such a hard topic to discuss because he was a very sick man in so many ways! However, since talking about my mother these past few weeks, I have come to the realization that SHE was evil, but HE was 10 times worse...maybe even more! HE is what I truly need to recover from!

Let me give you a little background....when I was 2 my mother found my father molesting my 8 year old older sister. My mother screamed and hollered and yelled and he swore it would never happen again....did she kick him out? Did she call the cops? Did she do anything other than run her mouth? NO, NO and again NO! Sadly, she let him stay and believed his stupid lie. He just became more careful and made sure he was never cought again. I was the youngest of 7 children, 4 of us were girls, 3 of us girls were blonde the other a brunette...guess what hair color he liked...yep, he only went for the blondes. My one lucky sister has no idea just how lucky she was! Since we're being honest here, let me throw you for a loop and retract that statement......I am number 7 of 8 children, my little sister is also my niece (get my drift) When my older sister became pregnant at 16 everyone thought she was just a "bad girl" although my other blonde sister and myself knew the reality. I was 4 when my "niece" was born, I never saw my sister after she left to deliver the baby because once she realized she had a daughter she was not coming back...and who could blame her??

I was 2 when my father started in on me, still just a baby but that didn't bother him. He bribed me with candy...little orange circus peanuts. He would come home from work around midnight and everyone would be asleep except for me...I often had trouble sleeping, perhaps it was because I had to sleep in the living room on the floor, perhaps it was fear that kept me awake, whatever it was I was always awake and my mother was not. I was easy access, my older sisters all shared a room upstairs on the far side of the house and he would have to creep through without making any moise, go upstairs, try to get one of the girls out of their bed without waking any of the others or he could just walk in the door, wave the bag of circus peanuts and say "psst" really quietly and the little blonde girl would go to him. Why I went to him, why I fell for it, I'll never know. Perhaps it was a desire to be loved and feel loved that made me do it, but whatever it was it was no excuse for what he would do!

Once I got to him he would whisper that we should go to the shed so that mommy wouldn't hear the bag, so we would sneak out the back kitchen door into the storage area where there was a bare mattress lying on the floor....now that I picture this in my head I wonder how my mother could have been so blind! How could she see the mattress lying there and think it wasn't being used for something evil and so totally wrong???? Anyway, that is where he would sit me down, help me open the bag and then proceed to kiss me as I ate the candy, then he would lay me back and take off my jammies and whisper "shhhhhhh" Then he would lay on top of me so that I could barely breath but he would hold himself up enough to not smother me...right at the point where if I screamed it would be muffled by his body but wouldn't completely smother me...and then he would penetrate me! A small, frail, helpless 2 year old child! He did this until I was 7, until the day he packed his bags and left. That was one of the happiest days of my life, the day he walked out that door, tossed his suitcase in his trunk and drove away! In the years to follow he would try to get me to come visit him, try to convince me to go on a car ride, but I was not so young and stupid anymore and I could not be bribed with a bag of circus peanuts anymore. Oh I was not stupid, I would take his bag of candy and enjoy it, but I would not get in the car wih him and I would not be anywhere alone with him EVER AGAIN! There was still plenty of pain and suffering in my life...my mother physically abusing me, my older brother sexually molesting me, and the taunting and teasing that went on at school because I was wierd (if only they knew why I was so wierd) but that one bit of suffering was gone and I rejoiced in that fact!

All of this brings me back to a bitter resentment at my mother....you might be thinking it's because I think she should have recognized what he was doing, you might think it's because I think she should have stopped him, you might think it's because I feel she should have kicked him out the first time she found him with any of us girls...but it's none of those! The reason I am so bitter at my mother is beacause so many years later, when I was in college, I told her why I hated my father and her response was that I needed to stop fantasizing! Yes, she actually thought it was some sick fantasy of mine, she claims that after she found my father with my older sister that she NEVER let him be alone with any of use girls ever again, she says it was impossible for him to have molested me and that I was so overly jealous of my older sister that I was putting myself into her shoes and fantasizing that her life had been mine! Can you believe that? Who the hell fantasizes that their father raped them on a regular basis from the time they were 2 until they were 7??? Seriously the woman was mad out of her mind to think that anyone would actually fantasize about such an evil and completely wrong thing!!! So yeah, I'm a bit bitter towards her for that and I probably always will be! In the meantime, if she needs so real proof, she can take a look at my ultrasounds of my uterus, she can go talk to my doctors who were amazed that I could ever carry a child to term given the extensive scar tissue and damage caused by his abuse. She can talk to the doctor who told me that I would never carry another child and if I did my uterus would give out by 4 months along killing me and the baby as well....thus my tubes are tied and fried. He took so much away from me and she took evn more when she said it was all just some fantasy!

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OK onto something happier...if you got this far THANKS for listening, I hope if you have suffered my fates you will see that I have picked up the pieces and I have made it my goal to be happy in spite of the pain. I have a wonderful husband who loves me, a wonderful son who may drive me bonkers at times but still keeps me happy and well rounded. It is him mostly that motivates me to visit my past and move onward because if I'm not happy inside he can see it and it makes him sad...and I never want to make my boy sad if I can help it. SO I help myself so I can help him grow up into a wonderful man! My life is not what it was, it is what I make of it! I can turn it around, I can make it a happier life and I have the power to make all that stuff in the past be nothing but a bad horror movie that sits on a shelf and doesn't get watched. Occassionally I'll see a clip of it, a preview of a rerun on tv so to speak, but I don't have to relive it, I don't have to repeat it and I certianly can change the channel if it comes onto my screen. I can admit it was a part part of my life, I can recall it so I know what not to do when it comes to raising my son, but it's not me and it's certianly not my life anymore!

This is my life now...

my life as Orions Mom and I LOVE this life, this life makes me happy!

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And those are my thoughts for this Thursday! Orion is off to my mother-in-laws for the weekend so I won't be around much the next few days as I enjoy some alone time with hubby!

Stellan Update

Stellan has to be airlifted to Boston Childrens Hospital, it's really one of the best childrens hospitals in the world so he will be in very good hands! Hopefully Stellan pulls through this. I am not sure when he will be airlifted but it will happen. Stellan needs to undergo some procedures that I don't totally understand, but basically they had wanted to wait until he was 4 years old or 20 kilos in weight...but they can't wait for that now. He has been surviving a heartrate of 210+ bpm for 3 days now and there really seems to be no other options. Stellan, his mother and father will all go to Boston for the procedure and hopfully there will be a good outcome. He may end up with a pace maker for the rest of his life, but at least it will be a life and one that doctors never thought would happen. Keep praying and check in at their blog (click on the photo in my previous post) Also follow on twitter if possible (link is also in my previous post) as MckMama seems to be updating that pretty regularly.

If you are the praying type...PLEASE DO

This is an urgent request!

I'm not one to normally turn to God for things, I constantly question his existance in a world full of evil. I constantly wonder which religion is right, but right now it truly doesn't matter if God is a man or a woman, if he's some fat dude with a big belly or some skinny guy who was tacked to a cross...whatever your belief, if you pray PLEASE pray for this little boy

Stellan is a miracle if ever there was one, I constantly read this blog amazed that this little boy is alive and thriving dispite his diagnosis in the uterus that his heart was too big and he would surely die. They didn't think he would live to be born, they didn't think he would live more than a few hours after birth, yet he's now almost 9 months old and sadly today he is fading. His heart will not stop beating at a dangerously high rate of 230+ bpm...that's beats PER minute!!! He is suffering and in bad shape and his little heart will not be able to take much more, the doctors haven't said as much but if you know anything about the human heart you know it just was not made to beat that fast for any length of time. So please, please go check out the blog (click on the picture) and send out prayers to whatever you believe in because this little boy really needs it!

If you use Twitter, Stellans mom has been updating on there as well http://twitter.com/MckMama it's more up to date than the blog. This was her last post

"Dr B told us "He's in bad shape." I'm trying to hold fast. Dr B is trying to ring Boston again. Will you pray!??!21 minutes ago from Tweetie "

Thank you

Making a change..........

Flashy Friday will become Thoughtful Thursday and here's why...I'm almost never on the computer on Fridays anymore! Some weeks I work late on Thursday night so I am actually here in the wee hours of the morning on Friday, but more often than not I'm just not here on a Friday. Friday is my day off of work and since I work on the computer I try to avoid it on my day off if I can.

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Now for those who are new to (what was ) Flashy Friday, it's my own unique twist on a weekly themed post. I pick 2 or 3 things to have a "flashback" on and tell the lessons I have learned from these things. I flash 2 or 3 events each week, one of which will be from the first 11 years of my life....this is because my first 11 years were filled with abuse and unimaginable things. When I was 11 I was placed in foster care because of these horrid events, but I never fully recovered. Flashy Friday is (was) my cheap therapy and hopefully someone will happen upon it and my words will help them heal as well...for some good must come from the evil. And so, without further ado, here is this weeks Thoughtful Thursday.

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I've been doing a lot of reflecting this past week, it seems the older my son gets the more stuff comes back to me. I'm guessing this has a lot to do with the fact that it's becoming easier to remember things that happened when I was his age since early memories in general are fewer and further between. People seem to only remember little bits and pieces of their childhood before they were 7 or 8 years old, and it seems to me the older I get the harder it becomes. However as I watch my son struggle with a punishment recently handed out for wrong-doings or even just watching him play with his cats I suddenly find my mind bringing up things I had completely forgotten about and I am amazed with how wonderful the mind is at protecting its human. If I had remembered some of these things years ago I probably would have been too afraid to do so many of the things I do on a daily basis, honestly I think I would be even more afraid of my own shadow than I already am...if that's even possible! My mind has blocked out so much and a part of me thinks it's because if I were younger I wouldn't be able to deal with it, I wouldn't be able to handle the emotional turmoil. Now that I am "older and wiser" as they say, I can handle more so my mind is slowly opening the window into my world, my life that was. Now that I am older I can look at it, learn a lesson or just release it into the wild and let it go. It's kind of like that pesky little moth that gets into the house when I take the dog out...it flutters around the light for awhile and then it dies, never to be thought of again (or it gets eatten by one of the cats which is even more entertaining to watch lol)

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My mother was a scary woman on her best days, I feared her like my son fears getting stolen at the mall. When I was his age I practically begged to be stolen...I remember standing on the side of the road when a big truck would happen to come through, I would stick out my leg, hold up my thumb and pray to the powers that be for that truck driver to stop and take me away. However all they ever did was drive on by, occassionally honking their horn thinking I just wanted to hear the big loud mac truck horn. I always walked away sad thinking I was never getting out, I was never going to get out of that world alive. Once my big brother turned 18 I was done for, I just knew it! See big brother was my keeper, he looked out for me and made sure I survived my youth. Yes, he was a mean big brother sometimes, he would tear the head off my doll and throw the pieces over the porch rail into the mud....and then laugh in my face as I cried....but he also kept me alive LITERALLY! I clearly remember the scar he has on his left breast, the scar he got because he stepped in front of me!

It was late evening, it had been my turn to clear the table and I had forgotten a knife..one knife. I was the youngest of 7 chldren, there were lots of plates and forks and knives on the table, but I forgot 1, just 1. Mother screamed my name from the kitchen and it was one of those screams that tears right through you because you know it means trouble. Every child in our house knew that scream, it was something out of a horror movie, you just knew you were going to get it. The knot in your stomach grows and tightens, you feel sick with anticipation...the thoughts start going through your brain..."What did I do?" "What did I forget?" "How bad is this going to be?" You slowly walk out through the living room toward the kitchen...all my brothers and sisters eyes upon me. They knew that scream, they knew I had done something and they knew I was gonna get it yet again. I take deep breaths trying to keep myself strong knowing if I walk in there scared and crying I'm gonna get it so much worse, I must be strong, I must be brave but I truly want to run out the door and never come back! As I walk toward the kitchen door I am aware of my big brother, he's right there near me, his very presense giving me strength to walk as she continues to scream for me to get into the kitchen RIGHT NOW! Then as I walk in the door I find myself walking into my brother as he steps in front of me.....I hadn't seen it coming but he had....all I had heard was "What is this doing on the table? You were supposed to clear the table!" Big brother had seen the knife sailing across the room, he had stepped between me and that knife and he took it for me. If he had not done that it would have gone straight into my eye socket I'm sure, instead it went into his chest. I'll never forget that look on his face, not pain, not shock, it was nothing but a calm rage. You could see the rage in his eyes but he had a calmness that was outside the moment, something out of place. He simply pulled the knife out of his chest, tossed it into the sink, glared into her eyes and said "Don't you EVER do that again" It was calmly stated but you could tell there was a rage there behind those words. he turned and walked away to tend to his wound, my mother silenced by my big brother. I washed the knife dripping with his blood, dried it and put it away. I walked out of the kitchen without a beating that night, saved by a big brother who knew the signs of trouble, a big brother who was stronger than I could ever dream of being.

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This past week I took my son to the beach....you can see the photos in my previous post. He had a great time but while I was there I couldn't help but be reminded of the very first time I ever went to the beach. We were in foster care and my older sister had this blue bathing suit...it was one of those swimsuits that had no top straps, just relied on your boobs to hold it up...well my sister she didn't really have a set (still doesn't but that's beside the point lol) My sister was often refered to as a carpenters dream (flat as a board and never been screwed) once I realized the importance of boobs, I felt sorry for her. ANYWAY....the first time we ever went to the beach was Hampton Beach in New Hampshire with our foster family and as the waves hit my sister she did not know their force. they knocked her over and took her swimsuit with it. She stood up wiping the water off her face totally not realizing that her swimsuit was down by her ankles. I believe the swimsuit was thrown away as soon as we got home and she has never worn one without straps to keep it up since. Of course this was a learning experience for me as well....tan lines are ok as long as your suit is gonna stay up!

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And on that note I will leave you for the day, probably the weekend. Hope everyone has a great, fun-filled and rain free weekend :)

Fun day at the beach..........

Took Orion to the beach today to hang out with my in-laws....as you can see in the pictures, he had a lot of fun!

A clam and sea worm that Orion found and observed for awhile

A fish that Orion drew in the sand
Orion and his grandmother

Oops.....

It's been over a week since I posted anything on here, just been busy I guess. I had to take Orion to the dentist for his annual cleaning and check-up only to find out that another of his adult teeth grew in without enamel in one spot so we'll have to get that repaired. This has happened with almost every single one of his teeth so far....even his baby teeth grew in this way. When they come through they look great but as they grow in there seems to always be one little spot that has no enamel at all, it's just not there so the dentist has to fill it in so that his teeth don't rot out. What sucks about that is the fact that the dental insurance will only cover the white fill-in material on front teeth, back teeth like molars they will only pay for the mercury based silver stuff that no dentist in our area will use! SO the insurance company pays for what they believe the cost of the silver stuff should be and we get to pay the rest out of pocket...generally about $75 to $100 per tooth depending on how big the spot is! This one is smaller so it'll be closer to the $75 range, but it still bites...I feel the dental insurance company should step up and pay more since there isn't a dentist around who will use the mercury based silver fillings anymore....besides the point that this isn't your everyday kind of cavity, this is just how his teeth grow in. If this were a bone that grew improperly and he needed surgery to fix it the insurance would cover the majority of the cost so why not for his teeth as well? We'll pay for it simply because we have to and we don't want the kids teeth rotting out of his head before he's 12 but it's an added financial burden.

In other news, the weather has been great so we've spent a lot of time outdoors enjoying it while it lasts! We went out to Water Wizz again, played at my mother-in-laws friends pools and enjoyed hanging out with her and her neighbors, but mostly it's just here in the back yard with squirt guns and sprinklers and the like. It's been great seeing the bright yellow ball in the sky all day then having a great thunderstorm for the evening.

One thing we did do recently was Orion and I went to see the latest Harry Potter movie. We had heard it was supposed to be the closest to the book out of all the movies...I say the guy never picked up the book, he briefed through it at best! Some really vital information is left out leaving us wondering how the heck they will bring this information into play in the last movie concidering the majority of it is stuff involving Dumbledore who is now dead! The worst part was the fact that they showed numerous scenes that weren't even in the book and they could have used those scenes to give you the information they left out if they had been smart! This movie left me more angry than the Prisoner Of Azkaban one..... and that one left me pretty mad so that's saying a lot! I have NEVER left a movie feeling so disappointed! I don't know why they keep using this director...the only HP movie he didn't direct....Order of Pheonix....was the only one that was close to the book and kept to the story line! Sadly I have heard he is directing the last boook as well, which will be split into 2 movies, and a part of me doesn't even want to bother because I'm afraid of the hack-job he'll do to it! The HP books are great stories, he should try reading the books before making a movie about them!

That's about it for me, I'm off to make sure Orion ate his breakfast and to make some coffee. We're supposed to be going to the Cub Scout Rocket Derby this afternoon (they all made rockets and today is lauch day) then tomorrow we go have his eyes examined to see how un-lazy his left eye has gotten. I hope we see improvement, they said if he wore his glasses 6 hours a day he probably wouldn't need the glasses anymore by the time he's 10. He going to be 9 soon, so we're holding our breath hoping he can get rid of them for good...he hates wearing his glasses for one simple reason....when he wears them he looks EXACTLY like his mother and what almost 9 year old boy wants to look like a girl???

Flashy Friday

It's once again time to flashback and look into the dark depths that was my life. Review things from the past and see if I can find any lessons that can be learned from these events.

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For those who are new to Flashy Friday, it's my own unique twist on a weekly themed post. I pick 2 or 3 things to have a "flashback" on and tell the lessons I have learned from these things. I flash 2 or 3 events each week, one of which will be from the first 11 years of my life....this is because my first 11 years were filled with abuse and unimaginable things. When I was 11 I was placed in foster care because of these horrid events, but I never fully recovered. Flashy Friday is my cheap therepy and hopefully someone will happen upon it and my words will help them heal as well...for some good must come from the evil. And so, without further ado, here is this weeks Flashy Friday

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Today my "mother thoughts" are easy...I feel like CRAP...yes I said the "C word" that I keep telling my son to erase from his vocabulary but at least I can get the context right and not use it in every single sentence I say lol Besides I'm feeling miserably sick with back ache (that I have had for about 2 weeks now) sore throat, stomach ache and an overall feeling of ick! Why would this make me think of my mother???? Well, quite frankly, everytime I get sick I am reminded of one event in particular and of course it has to do with her.

I was about 7 or 8 years old, sick as a dog, barely able to stand on my own two feet. I was running a pretty good fever, dizzy everytime I stood up (or even sat up for that matter) and vomiting like there's no tomorrow. I'm sure it was a very nasty case of the flu....since I now know what the symptoms are and they fit. I had stayed home sick one day, which irritated my mother to no end but she had let me stay home and I slept pretty much all day. I couldn't keep anything down so she didn't have to worrry about feeding me or anything like that, and I was pretty good at crawling to the bathroom to throw up so I wouldn't have to change my own sheets on my bed or even worse, lay in my own throw up because she sure as heck wasn't changing any sheets.

Day 2 she decided I had been home long enough and that I needed to go to school. I woke up throwing up still, feverish and feeling aweful. She made me get out of bed anyway. I cried to her that I was sick, I begged and pleaded with her to let me stay home, I knew there was no way I was walking the mile to school (actually it was just under the mile line so that's why I had to walk) YES I walked to school UPHILL BOTH WAYS! (As I have explained to my son who does not believe that's possible, I lived on one side of the hill, the school was on the bottom on the other side of the hill, therefore it was uphill then downhill going to and from school) Anyway (sory to get sidetracked there but most people laugh when you say such a thing and I feel the need to explain my pain and suffering lol ) Anyway.....onward here....I remember getting out of bed and walking across the living room floor directly into the wall. I remember my sister laughing at me and my mother yelling at me that I was faking just to get out of going to school. I don't know where she got that idea since I simply LOVED school....it was my one escape from her, why wouldn't I love it and why would I want to stay away from it.....never claimed the woman had any common sense! So I walked into the wall and she yelled at me, forced some clothing onto me and had my brother and sister assist me in walking to school. I managed to get to school, threw up in the bathroom (and a few times on the walk) then I went to my classroom and lay my head on my desk. I felt simply horrid! I was sent to the school nurse who ever so kindly called my mother to come and get me. She explained how sick I was and that I would be in the nurses office until my mother got there. She never came! I remember lying in the bed at the nurses office hearing the kids run out to recess, wishing I could go out with them. I remember hearing them line up outside her office as they waited for lunch, some of them talking about me and how my mother hadn't showed up yet...I was humiliated and embarrassed that they all knew she had not cared enough to come. 2:30 rolled around and the nurse allowed my brother and sister to walk me home with a note for my mother saying I should stay home for a couple more days....do you think she let me???? NOPE she sent me back every single day. I spent all week sleeping in the nurses office all day and being walked to and from school by my brother and sister. Not once did the school call social services...I don't know why they didn't. I mean seriously, think about it, a mother sends her sick kid to school refuses to keep her home regardless of the fact that the school has suggested she stay home. By day 3 I remember hearing the nurse say to my teacher that it would be useless to call the mother and to just let me sleep in her office until the end of the day. She was a great nurse and took great care of me but I can't help but wonder if they couldn't have saved me from a few years of suffering if they had only called social services instead of my mother!

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Growing pains....anyone remember having them??? I sure do! I remember that burning sensation in my shins and rubbing them really hard and fast because the heat of the friction made them feel better. I remember my brothers and sisters saying that I was exagerating, my mother saying I needed to stop trying to get attention, and my legs hurting so bad I could barely walk. After a few days the pain would subside and I would be a bit taller...I distinctly remember those days and it's a good thing I do because now I can sympathize with my son who apparently has inherited these same growth spurts and growing pains. He cries out in the night with pain in his legs, he kicks and thrashes around all night long, if I rub his shins it helps ease his pain and he manages to get some sleep. Motrin helps some, tylenol is useless, nothing but the rubbing or a heating pad will truly help ease the pain enough to help him sleep. I have this bag I put in the microwave that heats up, he likes that on his shins and it seems to help, but he says the rubbing is even better so I sit up most the night rubbing his shins so he can sleep (and I wonder why I'm sick) The poor kid has been suffering the past 3 nights...on the plus side he's grown 1/4 inch so far and it should only be a couple more days if he stays on pattern. Yes...I posted that correctly he's grown 1/4 inch..I measured him on Tuesday and he was 55 1/4 inches tall. Then yesterday morning he was saying he felt taller so I put him against the chart and he was 55 1/2 inches tall. Barefoot both times and I made sure he wasn't on tip-toes! He is now less than 1 foot shorter than me...less than a foot!!!! He is the same exact height I was when I went into foster care at just over 11 years old and he weighs about 15 pounds heavier than I was at the time (I was 4 feet seven 1/2 inches and weighed in at 47 pounds) Orion is 4 feet seven and 1/2 inches and weighs in at 63 pounds...and the doctor and I are working to get that up...the adderrall makes it hard for him to gain weight! Needless to say, he's a bit healthier than I was and concidering I was that height at 11 years old he'll definately be taller than me in no time! I just wish there was a way to make it less painful for the poor kid, growing pains are no fun!

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I'm feeling pretty ichy still and Orion is watching cartoons quietly. I think I'll get off this computer and go join him...he's a good enough kid that if I'm lucky he'll make me some tea and tuck me up in a blanket and cuddle with me until I start to feel better. He hates it when mom is sick but he likes to take care of me so I'm off to be pampered. I hope everyone has a great weekend, enjoy your loved ones and have some fun!

A funny story that I just have to share....

I was driving Orion over to his friends house to play today when we pass a couple of teenagers. One of the boys happens to be wearing the same shirt that Orion had on...here is our conversation.....

Me: "Hey Orion look that boy has on the same shirt as you"

Orion: "Is he with a girl?"

Me: "What?"

Orion: "Is he with a girl?"

Me: "Why do you need to know that?"

Orion: "Well I was just wondering if he was with a girl or not"

Me: "But WHY are you asking that?"

Orion: " Well I was wondering if a girl would like me in this shirt!"

Apparently girls opinions are very important!