I know this is a day late, but yesterday was a long day! First of all, Orion was a challenge getting off to school, hubby was home and my long time friend needed an ear for a situation that took all thought of everything else from my mind!
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My long-time friend Angel called me, she was a bit upset with good reason! She had gone in for her first mammogram and they called her asking her to come back in for a second scan and an ultrasound. She called me because I have been there, been there a few times actually, and I so know how she feels right now. Mine came back as pre-cancerous and the lump was removed....I was 20 years old! This coming February I will turn 40, this coming May will be 20 years since my lump was discovered...you're never too young to feel your boobies and know them well! Angel will go in for her followup this afternoon, I will be thinking about her all day today!


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My Sissy is having a rough time too. Her boyfriend decided that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her anymore. He said she could stay there in his house until she can save up enough money to get her own place, her heart is broken. I have spent the past couple of days texting with her trying to help her feel better and help her make decisions about her future. She just needs a sounding wall and who better than her Sissy and best friend.

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And finally Orion has been struggling as well. He broke down the other night and told me he feels like he hasn't been happy, really truly happy, in 3 years. I didn't realize he felt this way. He has had mood swings ans irritability, but I hadn't realized how bad it really was. I spent nearly an hour talking to him before work on Wednesday night. We came to the decision that I will call the doctor  and see what his opinion is as far as either cutting the dosage back or switching meds completely. We will go in and see the doctor this afternoon.

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I'm off for today, have a good weekend and enjoy your little ones :)

Bowling Season has begun

I love candlepin bowling, I love it even more when I get to do it with my boy. Up until this year,  I have only bowled with Orion during the summers and then in the fall/winter leagues he would bowl in a juniors league and I bowled in a ladies league. Of course Orion seemed to always get teamed up with some kid who would only show up half the time and it made it less fun for him. This past year, his teammate only showed up 50% of the time and Orion got fed up, he asked if I would be willing to bowl in an adult/youth league with him instead of on the ladies league. Of course I jumped at the chance...I LOVE bowling with my boy!

So tonight was our first night on the adult/youth bowling league for the fall/winter season! We both did pretty good and even more important, we had a great time together. So now, every Tuesday night I will be at the bowling alley with Orion knocking down some pins and cheering him on as he builds his skills in bowling!

A new look for fall

I figured since fall is pretty much here I might change things a little and give the blog a fall make-over. I even created a new signature tag for all my posts :) I miss the beautiful maples of Vermont so when I found this background image in the templates area I just had to go for it....it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

10 Years...Happy Birthday to us both!

My Sweet Bugaboo!

On the morning of September 20, 2000 I knew my life was about to change. I had barely slept a wink the night before knowing that in the morning I would be bringing a new life into this world. I knew, through ultrasound pictures, that this baby was to be a boy and that his name was to be Orion Xavier. I knew he was going to change me as a person, I just had no idea how much!

That morning hubby and I went out to breakfast....or should I say hubby went out to breakfast, I was just there begging and pleading with him to just take me to the hospital so we could get on with it lol I was excited, I was scared, I was going to be a new mom and it was something I had been waiting for all my life! I didn't want to wait for him to eat those pancakes and eggs or drink that orange juice, I just wanted to go have my baby. I certainly didn't have the appetite or desire to eat the food he tried to order for me...besides the point I didn't think I was supposed to eat just in case something went wrong.  To top it off, I had had a dream the night before...in the brief amount of sleep that I did get...and I knew (because of that dream) that the entire process was only going to take 5 hours and 10 minutes! 

Finally around 7:30am hubby and I arrived at labor and delivery. We had pre-registered so all we had to do was sign a couple of papers and get settled into our room that was already assigned to us. I got into my pretty hospital gown and got strapped into that heartbeat monitor that Orion hated so much. Every time they strapped it on my belly he would move away or kick it...and he was truly out of room in there! Just before 8am my IV was put in and at 8am my pitocin drip was started. Contractions came immediately! 

My mother in law arrived shortly after the drip started and told me there was a pool at her house concerning the time of birth...I told her I didn't know the time but that it was going to take 5 hours and 10 minutes! I told her about my dream...she laughed. She has 3 boys and knew that, in general, the first is usually the longest and the hardest and that we would probably be there much longer than that. I was confident...5 hours and 10 minutes!

A short while after starting the pitocin drip my doctor came in and looked at the monitor...she noticed I was having contractions and asked if I was feeling them. Personally I thought it was a dumb question...of course I could feel them...hell they HURT...but when I replied with an "Oh yeah I feel those!" the nurse laughed (or should I say giggled) and it made me think that maybe I was being a wimp, that maybe this was the easy part and it was only going to get worse. I decided then and there that I was a wimp and that I would not complain about pain or contractions, I would not ask for pain meds of any kind for quite awhile. I gritted my teeth, I held my stuffed dog Spot, I tried to listen to my Mother in law and husband talking, but it hurt and I couldn't concentrate on anything but the pain.  My mother in law rubbed my feet through each contraction (which by the way I highly recommend cause it really helps) and time stood still. The doctor came in and broke the amniotic sac...this intensified the contractions even more! Before I knew it hubby was asking the nurse if I could have pain meds because he couldn't stand to see me in that kind of pain any longer, the nurse said the doctor had to check me first. The doctor checked and I was at 9cm...too late for meds. She told me I could go ahead and push if I felt the need. It didn't seem to be very long before I was screaming for my doctor because the baby was coming, I could tell. The nurse ran to get my doctor but she was with an emergency delivery and so the nurse grabbed some other guy and dragged him into the room. He snipped, I pushed, and out came my beautiful baby boy!

As the doctor helped hubby cut the cord I ask my mother in law what time  it was...it was 1:10pm exactly 5 hours and 10 minutes! 

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As I sit here 10 years later, I am amazed at how far we have both come. I never thought I could love anyone so deeply, so intensely. I never knew the impact that one small person could have on my life. I am an entirely different person now, I grow and change every single day because I want to be the best that I can be for this one person! I love my hubby, I have loved him from the moment I laid eyes upon him but even that love pales in comparison to the love I have for this boy, my Sweet Bugaboo. I am amazed at the young man he has become and I can only imagine the man he will grow to be. 

10 years ago, September 20,2000 was the best day of my life! It was the day all my dreams came true and I became Orions Mom

From Blogger Pictures

Sickness abounds

I have been sick since Monday, Orion has been sick as well just not as sick as me....thankfully!  I hate nothing more than when my baby is sick. He has a birthday party tomorrow, we both need to be healthy by then. Today I need to bake a cake, take the boy out to buy some party favors for the party and try to nail down the final head count.

Speaking of the head count, is it too much to ask that people call and confirm that they are or are not coming? Is it too much to ask especially since I already called them and left messages on their machines to please call me and let me know since I'm trying to get a head count?? And to top it off, one of these people is Orions best friend.....or should I say supposed best friend. I say this because I just don't know how to read this one. See this girl comes to our house, Orion goes to her house, they play well together but last weekend when I asked her if she was coming to the party she said she didn't know. I asked her mother when she picked her up and mom said something about a wedding shower and she would call me.....she never called. Then Orion asked the girl at school and she said she wasn't coming because she doesn't like bowling (Orion is having a bowling party) I called the mothers cell phone to confirm and the girl answered and said they were at her sisters lacrosse game and they would have to call back...they never called. Here we are on Friday before the party and I don't know if she is coming or not. I feel like we're being blown off, I just don't know why. It's kind of unnerving. See, in the spring, when she turned 10 she didn't have a party but Orion insisted on buying her a birthday present anyway. He had saved money up to buy her a really nice present, he actually spent way more than I normally would of approved of and bought her the pokemon gold game for Nintendo DS. He had saved his allowance for months and had thought long and hard about this, but he was determined to buy her that game. He wrapped it up nice and took it to her house, wished her a happy birthday. He remembered her even though she wasn't having a party. He would do anything for this girl yet it seems she does not give back quit as much. Do I expect her to drop $35 on a birthday gift?? no, I don't, I don't even care about her bringing a gift honestly. I just care about the fact that she would say that she isn't coming to his party because she doesn't like bowling. Personally, if it were me, I would go regardless of whether or not I liked bowling simply because my friend was having a birthday party. I don't know if Orion heard her correctly or not, I don't know if she really said it the way he said she did, and I really don't know if I should approach the mother about this because I don 't know exactly what went down. I know Orion often takes things the wrong way, he's extra sensitive that way, I don't want to sound like the over-bearing mother who just takes her kids side no matter what, but I also know if it did go down the way it did then that was pretty rude and inconsiderate on her part. I just don't know what to do about this one.

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OK enough of that, I'll figure it out eventually I am sure and if not, oh well, my kid is going to have a fun time at his party. He has 9 confirmed guests and I get this feeling that I am forgetting someone lol I do that often, that's where my kid gets the ADD in his ADHD lol He gets the H from his dad. His grandmother will be there and after the party she will take him to her house for an overnight. He's going to have cake and soda and bowling....3 of his favorite things! Today I will bake his cake, I will decorate it and make it special for him. I will take him out shopping for party favors and we will both be healthy for this party. Last year I had no voice for his party, this year I will have a voice, I will be better. I sound pathetic don't I. I sound like I'm trying to convince myself of something...which of course I am. I just want everything to be perfect for my special mans special day!

From Blogger Pictures

I know, I know, I was bad last week and I didn't make my weekly therapy session. I'm a bad girl....and to top it off I almost missed this weeks, but technically it's still Thursday while I'm typing so as long as I can type this up in less than 24 minutes I'm all set lol

This past week I've been reflecting a lot about my 5th grade year. As I work with my son to learn his multiplication tables so that he can make it through his "mad minutes" I am finding myself remembering all those little tricks that Mr. Hutchinson taught me to help me back then.

Mr. Hutchinson was my 5th grade teacher, he had brown hair and a brown beard to match. He had a smile that made the girls swoon and we all longed for that special one on one time with him. He was one of those teachers you never forgot because he actually seemed to care about  whether or not you succeeded. So when I was struggling with some of my multiplication tables he taught me little rhymes like "8 times 8, throw it on the floor. Pick it up you got 64" To this day, when I come upon this basic math question, I find myself saying that in my head. I taught it to Orion, he thought it was silly BUT then today he ran up to me after school and says to me "What we did last night really worked mom, I got 7 more questions today than yesterday" See "Mad Minutes" is this test the kids get daily, it's 40 multiplication questions and they have 1 minute to answer as many as possible. The goal is to get at least 30 of them in the time limit. Orion has always struggled with these, not because he doesn't know the answers, but simply because he suffers from MAJOR test anxiety and time obsession. He gets so wrapped up in the fact that he only has 1 minute that he can't get the questions answered because he watches the clock, then he gets all worried that he hasn't answered enough questions that he freezes. So here at home we practice. I use an actual mad minute test and I ask him the questions and tell him to answer as fast as possible. When he struggles I try to find a shortcut to help him out. After awhile of drilling orally I give him the paper and time him. When he struggles we go over the questions again and then time again. We probably spend close to an hour doing math facts every night. But it has paid off because on Tuesday he got 8 questions, on Wednesday he got 17, then today he got 24! He's getting close to the 30 goal and I am very proud of him for it! If it weren't for Mr. Hutchinson being so understanding and helpful I would not have this wonderful way to help my boy succeed!

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Another thing about 5th grade...as I have mentioned before, it was the next to last day of my 5th grade year that I was placed into foster care and my life changed forever!

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Another reflection this week...my baby is going to be 10 years old soon! I can't believe it! For his birthday we are taking him to see our favorite band Rush in concert! The concert is next week Tuesday, a week before his real birthday, but hey we couldn't get Rush to change their tour schedule to make sure they were in Boston on the 20th lol  It's still just about the coolest birthday present ever and he'll get to skip school on Wednesday because I'm sure he'll be a bit tired considering he won't get home until well after midnight! I just can't believe it's been a full decade since my baby boy arrived and I fell into the purest and deepest love I have ever known! Not even the love for my husband can compare to the love I have for this wonderful boy that is mine!
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Well, looks like I'm gonna miss my midnight deadline, hope my therapist forgives me for being late to yet another appointment. I know I didn't talk about the egg donor or the sperm donor, but this is my therapy session and I get to talk about whatever I want to lol

Have a great week everyone and be sure to look back every once in awhile because when you do you may just find the answer your child needs! I know I did....thanks to a wonderful 5th grade teacher! I wish I could thank him, unfortunately I have no way to do that so I hope someone out there has thanked him so he knows how appreciated his hard work is!

Thanks Mr. H, you were awesome!

From Blogger Pictures

We had a moment.......

Every night I settle Orion into bed and read to him. I have done this every single night of his life except the nights when he slept over at his grandparents and I wasn't able to. I generally read for 45 minutes to an hour. This is our time, the time before I go to work and he goes off to dreamland, our quiet time when it's just him and me. When he was real little I would finish reading to him and then lay down with him until he fell asleep, as he got older and I started working nights that changed to me reading to him and then him either reading to himself or playing his Nintendo DS for a little bit before he fell asleep.

Last night was different

Last night I tucked him in and began to read. 1/2 hour into reading time I had finished Charlie Bone book 2 and Orion begged for me to start book 3. We pulled it off the shelf and I read the first chapter. By then it was 10 minutes to my work time so I closed the book and offered him his DS to play for a bit. I leaned over and hugged him tight and told him I love him and he hugged me back and handed back the DS. He looks up at me and says "Actually mom, can we just cuddle for 10 minutes?" I couldn't possibly say no so I wrapped my arms around my boy, he wrapped an arm around me and cuddled up close. I turned off the desk lamp and lay there with him like we used to, just him and me. His breathing settled, he relaxed, and within minutes my boy was sound asleep...but I lay there with him, holding my baby boy for the entire 10 minutes just like he wanted because that's what he needed, it's what I needed, and it felt wonderful! It was one of those moments that you hold onto and want to relive over and over again because it's so special and you know you were lucky to have it.

From Blogger Pictures

1000 word post

From Blogger Pictures

And he's off

Here he is, 1st day of preschool 7 years ago.....my how times flies!

My little man starts 5th grade today!

I don't know how it happened, or where time went, but somehow my sweet baby boy is growing up and headed off to 5th grade where he'll have 3 different teachers (not counting phys. ed and music), he'll have to switch classrooms, and have to be responsible enough to make sure he gets all his homework assignments written down and collected. He's so nervous about this switching classes and nervous about this tick he's developed over the summer...worried that he might get picked on or not be liked by his teacher because he'll be disturbing the class with his noises. I'm hoping that he does ok, that he can somehow find a positive thing about returning to school. I'm hoping that he'll have a good attitude and be willing to work, willing to learn and willing to change for the better. I'm hoping that 5th grade is memorable for him and not in a bad way, I'm hoping he'll be strong and stand tall. I'm hoping that in another 6 hours, when I go pick him up, I'll find a happy boy, or at least a boy who doesn't think going to school is the worst kind of punishment on the planet.

From Blogger Pictures

My baby is growing up

My baby isn't a baby anymore...he's a big boy!

I took him out back-to-school shopping and before we left I had him try on a pair of his size 12 pants in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, he hadn't grown so much that I couldn't get away with them...NO SUCH LUCK!

The pants were about an inch too short so it was off to the store to buy new pants, shirts and school supplies. My baby is now in a size 14 pants...only problem is he does not have a size 14 butt! His legs fit the length great but he is so skinny that he just does not wear them well. He has to have the adjustable waist with the elastics pulled all the way out and STILL needs a belt! The pants want to fall right off him...and yes I bought the skinny jeans! Let me tell ya, it's not easy to find 14 slims with an adjustable waistband, I simply dread when I am going to have to move him up to 16's. He can't wear any kind of sweatpants that I can find because of the need for such a tiny waist with those long legs of his. Literally his butt is so tiny that he can still fit into his size 5 shorts! As for shirts..he is now in an XL because he has these really long arms that match his legs. His body isn't quite as long so his long sleeve shirts and hoodies hang low but he needs the longer arms...he often resembles Harry Potter in Dudley's clothes lol  I just can't believe how big he is, how tall he's getting...boy he's come a long ways since this photo when he was only 2 days old:

That day he was  21 1/4 inches tall, now he's 57 inches. He weighed  a whole 8 pounds (having lost a little since birth as is normal) now he weighs 68 pounds! My baby isn't a baby anymore!

From Blogger Pictures

The time has come for change

OK laugh if you want but my son will be 10 years old in a little less than a month and he still sleeps in my bed.

I know, I know, he should have been in his own bed say 10 years ago but it's not so simple when you are me.

First of all, Orion was a every 2 hour around the clock nurser. This means that literally every 2 hours he woke up to nurse, he refused a bottle and would take nothing but the real thing. So being the kind of mom who wanted to do better than her egg donor and needed her sleep, I laid my son in bed with me, left the window open to his kitchen and slept wonderfully while he fended for himself. He didn't need help latching on, he didn't need help finding it, he was very capable of doing it himself and so I allowed it. I would briefly wake up when he would latch on, but I would fall back to sleep while he nursed and then he would fall back to sleep after me. He nursed for 19 wonderful months, and finally stopped on his own but by then he was rather used to sleeping in moms bed safely snuggled in between mom and dad. He would start out in his crib, but by his first birthday he was very capable of monkey climbing out and making his way across the hall to my room all on his own. He would just crawl in between us and go right back to sleep and so it became the routine. I needed my sleep, daddy needed his sleep so instead of fight with him we allowed it to happen. As the years went on, the pattern continued and then I started working nights and it only got worse. Orion wouldn't be asleep when daddy went to bed and since I would be working all night long daddy kind of liked having someone cuddle up with him and so Orion started going to bed with dad. I stopped working until 6am because it was making me sick not getting enough sleep and  Orion going to bed in our bed was such a routine it was allowed to continue. It was easier than fighting after a long day. By the end of the day, after having yelled at him all day for poor behavior it was just easier to finally be nice and let him settle down in our room.

And so it continued. Last year we bought him a brand new mattress of his choosing, we bought him brand new bedding of his choosing and we tried to get him to sleep in his own bed. He got sick with that H1N1 flu and all was lost as he ended up sleeping curled up with mom while she fought his outrageous fever and worried day and night because it was the flu that killed. Then I got it and didn't have the energy to fight with him and so he continued to sleep in my bed. All was lost....and so it continued.

Last night Orion was having some bad growing pains. He was thrashing his legs around and suddenly kneed me in the base of my skull. He kicked me in the kidneys and basically left me feeling his growing pains right along with him. Poor hubby got a good thrashing too and we have decided that it is time for the bed to go back to being a 2 person bed and for the boy to go across the hall to sleep on his own.

I know that this is a common problem with ADHD children, I have spoken with many other mothers who reluctantly admit they have this issue, 10 seems to be the age where the ties can be cut and the child can start truly sleeping in their own room all night long. I can only hope that I can figure out a way to make him comfortable and happy.

WISH ME LUCK!!

From Blogger Pictures

Some weeks are better than others, this week has been a long one to say the least. The more I struggle with Orion and his ADHD the more I find myself resenting the woman who gave birth to me. That woman was no help!

I find myself envious of those women who can call their mom when they need advice, those who can look back on their youth and remember how their mother handled a situation and reuse that idea as their own. I find myself wishing I had that and resenting that evil wench for not doing the right thing! Instead of teaching me, she beat me. Instead of guiding me, she locked me in a closet! Instead of helping me be a better person, she helped me be a bitter person.


I realize Orion can not control his ADHD, I realize it is not his fault that he loses his control and can't stay on task to save his life! I know in my heart that he doesn't mean to behave as badly as he does, but still it is not easy to handle. I find myself frustrated and wishing I could run away when he says or does mean things and then tells me I'm mean because I have to punish him. I find myself cringing when I think in my mind...he asks for it...because that's what my egg donor used to say about me when she would beat me. I know it's totally different, but it makes me very sad to think anything that she said when it comes to my child.

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Today I had something thrown in my face....something hurtful although I know it wasn't meant that way. I was talking to someone about Orion and my struggles with his ADHD and the comment was "If he had a sibling or two then it would be a lot easier on everyone. He would learn from them how to behave." Well unfortunately, because of the scar tissue caused by the sexual abuse, I can not have anymore children. I can not afford adoption and I don't feel I would be a good candidate for foster care because I am still dealing with my own emotional scars. So I can not provide siblings to my child. My husband could, he could get a divorce and marry someone who isn't broken, but he chooses to stay with me because he loves me. So our child has no siblings. For the most part I have come to terms with that fact, I have had nearly 10 years to come to terms with it, but sadly when someone tries to blame my childs struggles on the fact that he doesn't have siblings and how they would be good for him, I want to scream. Inside my heart aches and I feel a bitterness toward the sperm donor that makes the bitterness towards the egg donor look nice. I want to kill him with my bare hands, I want to rip him limb from limb. I want to scream at the top of my lungs....I was the youngest of 7 children, I had planned on having at least 2 or 3 children of my own. I know the value of siblings and how well they teach you about life. I wanted that for my own children, but alas it was stolen from me and there was nothing I could do about it. It's times like these that makes me feel like the healing has only just begun because I feel so unbelievably angry and betrayed. I literally feel hatred...and trust me I know that's a harsh word but it's true...I HATE that man for the things he did to me. Older brother hurt me too, but he started in well after the sperm donor so I do not blame him, I am positive the damage had already been done by the evil one who decided to rape my tiny 2 year old body. Today I am angry and bitter because he stole something not only from me but also from my child...that's just not cool!



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Some weeks are better than others, don't waste too much time being angry and bitter at those who have wronged you but also don't be afraid to feel it and then let it go. Hug your kids, give them what you can and be thankful they are in your lives. Finally remember that just because someone only has one child it's not always because they choose to only have one, sometimes they just don't have the option to choose. If you point that out to them you may hurt them without realizing it so please be careful what you say unless you know them really well!

From Blogger Pictures

I've been talking recently about my son and his ADHD and how difficult it is to deal with. When we are having some of the toughest moments I can't help but ask myself...what would my egg donor have done if I behaved this way?  The scary part is that I can actually see in my mind, really truly picture it as if it happened, what she would have done and how she would have treated me....and it wouldn't have been pretty! Certainly wouldn't have been as nice as I am to my child, not as understanding, she would not have spoken in a soft voice, she would not have done everything in her power to remain calm. She would not have picked me up and put me into my bedroom because she feared becoming her own egg donor if she didn't remove me from her view for a few moments. Sadly, I do fear it, I do feel that evil snake inside me rearing its ugly head. I feel like Harry Potter, in the Order of The Phoenix book, when he first starts going inside Voldemorts head. I feel like I could strike, I could hurt, I want to make this out of control child stop screaming at me calling me names, telling me how much he hates me and detests me. I feel worse and worse by the minute as he tells me I am the meanest mother on the planet, in the universe and that he wishes he could go into foster care so he could have nice parents. It breaks my heart, but deep inside, just like Harry, I know that he doesn't mean it, that I could never hurt him but I fear that  so deeply that I need to walk away from him. Like Harry I fear the Voldemort inside me, the Voldemort that is my egg donor.

LMAO at the sudden realization that I make a lot of  Voldemort references when it comes to my egg donor!

I hate her for the fact that she makes me feel this way, I hate that when I get into those tense moments with my child that I fear becoming her. I fear losing my control. As he yells at me that I am the meanest mother on the planet I find myself yelling back "You don't know what mean is!" and I am grateful that it's true.

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I have found my at a crossroads lately and I don't know what to do. Recently my son has asked me to share with him some of the details of my life. In the past, whenever he asked about my egg donor or my sperm donor, I told him I didn't like to talk about them. I have always just told him that they were not nice people. When he has asked why I ended up in foster care I have always just said that it was because they were not nice people, I have never told him how not nice they were. Although he begs for me to tell him about them, he wants to know details and I don't know at what point it's ok to give them. When is it ok to explain to your child just just how not nice someone can be? Is it EVER ok?  Sometimes I think it would do him some good, show him how I am truly NOT the meanest mother on the planet, but I don't want to taint his image of me in doing so. How would he feel about me if he knew that I had been beaten daily, locked in closets, denied food or water because of a simple infraction of the rules? Would he see me as a strong person, someone to look up to, or would he pity me and see me as someone frail? I know what image I would like for him to see, I would prefer he see me as a strong person who survived a living nightmare. Someone powerful who can overcome hardship. I want him to want to be that strong, to overcome his ADHD like I eventually overcame the abuse. I want him to see his ADHD as the challenge he has to fight against and see me as someone he can try to be like in order to win the fight in the end.   BUT I  just don't know if I should ever put those images in his sweet little head! There is a part of me that says that he has a right to answers and perhaps if I told him some of the minor details he would be happy and he would maybe appreciate me more. Perhaps he would realize how very nice I truly am once he hears about someone who is truly mean.  I hate denying him the answers he craves because I feel like I'm lying to him by just saying they were mean...because they weren't just mean they were down right evil! Honestly I know I will never tell him about the sexual abuse, no worries there. I draw the line on that subject, but the physical abuse, the emotional abuse, I sometimes wonder if maybe it would be ok to give him SOME details.

Here is our usual scenario, we just had one the other day.
        Orion had gone to the bathroom and was in there for quite awhile. After he finally came out I asked if everything was ok and he said fine. I was concerned only because he had been in there so long and because he was not medicated that day. What I found when I went in there was that he had taken my small pair of scissors out of the medicine cabinet and cut some small slits in the towels. I called him in and asked him to explain, I gave him the chance to tell me what had happened to my towels. He put on his shocked face and asks "How did that happen?" I reminded him that I had recently showered and the holes weren't there before and he had just been locked in the bathroom for 20 minutes and there was no one else in the house. He tried to lie and say he was trying to open the package for the bum wipes and accidentally fell, cutting the towels. Well I explained how that wasn't logical either. In the end he was sorry and I know it was because of the lack of medication, but then he asked the question..."What would your mother had done if you did this?" 

Now mind you, my punishment was to give him needle and thread and teach him how to repair the cuts in the towels. That was all, I sewed one hole while he copied my motions and sewed up the other 2 holes. Although he fussed that he was no good at it, that he couldn't do it, I made him sit on the couch with me and learn to do it. I made him sew the towels back together. I didn't yell, I didn't scream, I didn't hit him or hurt him in any way shape or form. I simply taught him how to repair the damage he had done with kindness and patience. This surprised him and so he wanted to know how I would have been treated if I had done something like that and all I could say was "It certainly wouldn't be just sewing this back, it would have been far worse." I could not tell him what would have happened, I just knew that it would not have been the punishment I had come up with. I still don't know if that was the right thing to do...maybe I should have given him a story, maybe I should have used that opportunity to show my child a small window of my youth...but I still don't know if he's old enough. In these situations I find myself feeling more like Dumbledore and Orion is Harry...I just feel he is not old enough, he is too young to worry his mind with such things. But because I have read the stories so many times I know that in the end Dumbledore realizes he was wrong in hiding the truth and that Harry would have been able to handle it afterall.  So I ask myself should I ever explain about Voldemort and if so when??

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Have a great weekend. Everyone has a ghost or two in their closets, some are just bigger than others. 

From Blogger Pictures

Bowling on a sprained ankle...not my best plan

So Orion and I bowl in an adult/youth league together, this is our 4th summer of doing this and we really enjoy our Wednesday nights at the bowling alley. Last week, however, I rolled my ankle while helping Orion get his dirtbike out of the garage and sprained it, unfortunately it's my left ankle which is the weight bearing foot. I didn't want to miss out on bowling and neither did Orion so we opted to go even though I am limping around and in a fair amount of pain.

I've always said sprains hurt worse than breaks and honestly it's very true...and tonight after 3 strings of bowling on this ankle I am reminded of this fact!

Although I bowled fairly well considering, I did not get my average and my ankle is now throbbing in pain :( I think tomorrow I'll find myself sitting on the couch icing it and relaxing rather than doing my house cleaning.

From Blogger Pictures

Orion had a med check today

We just got home and I have to say I feel so much better about things after having seen the doctor. We go in every 4 months for his check-up to be sure he is gaining weight and growing on an ok path. We can't have him lose weight and we can't see any stunting in growth or he has to change meds....the meds can make these things difficult. They also can damage the heart since it is a stimulant so we have to have his blood pressure and heart checked regularly.

Today he weighed in 3 pounds heavier than 4 months ago....so not only did he gain back the 1 pound he had lost previously but he gained the desired 2 pounds on top of it. The goal for December to to get him to 70 pounds....2 pounds in 4 months time. It will be harder since he will be going back to school soon which means he will go back onto the routine of taking his meds  on a regular basis and not have so many days off, but I think we can handle it. He also grew another 1/2 inch in height! Overall Mom is very happy with the progress we made in that department.

We also discussed with the doctor the mood swings and depression that he has coming off the medication and what I was told is that we first and foremost must look at the benefits vs. the side effects...which one wins?? The benefit is that Orion can control himself, he becomes a normal young man who is not out of control. He holds his tongue, he's respectful and kind, he's helpful and basically everything you hope your child would be on a daily basis. He does well when he's in school, gets good grades and has friends who will play with him, people who will seek him out and ask him to join them in their games. He's a well rounded youth well on his way to becoming a solid, well rounded adult. The side effects are that he has these mood swings when the medicine starts to wear off, he has trouble deciding what to do, loses interest in his usual activities, becomes moody and irritable and down-right onry. He "snuffles" throughout the day, sometimes loudly, and that can be a bit irritating to those around him. But which is better? Are those benefits worth the side effects? The doctor feels they are and I have to agree. He feels that these side effects have been worse over the summer mainly because of the fact that we did not have him on anything resembling a schedule at all this summer and that constant change makes it so his body can't get used to the medicine. He feels if we just get him onto a routine and we stick to that routine then the side effects will lessen or possibly even go away completely!  We are going to try a good solid month of routine and if we don't see any changes and these side effects become too bothersome then we will talk about making a change in dosage or medicine. For now we just deal, the doctor said to finish out our summer however we want and when the school year starts get him back onto a routine and then stick with it.


Overall I am satisfied with what I had to hear. It is comforting to know that the snuffling isn't a sinus problem, not allergies or anything like that, it's simply a tic that is caused by the meds being whacked out and not on any sort of routine. The doctor feels once we get him on a routine, he will stop snuffling so much. We might also be able to teach him to control it to an extent where he can maybe not the noise so loudly. I'm going to research it some and see what I can do to help him in that department.

From Blogger Pictures

Here we are again, it's been an entire week since we said good-bye to our beloved Sparky and I must say Orion is dealing much better now. It was a long week and it seems that every advertisement for cat products has a cat on it that looks just like him, but we made it through and are now settled into life with only 4 cats once again. The other animals have been more loving and forlorn, I am sure they miss their friend as much as we do (if not even more) but the biggest thing we've noticed is no on will sit on his perch. The perch in the windowsill remains empty and unused. I guess it's their way of showing respect and thy will most likely start using it in due time.


My memories about my youth have been quiet as of late, it seems Sparky getting sick and dying put a damper on that, but I do still find myself thinking occasionally about it and wondering how I would be if I had been raised differently. Would I be a better parent, would I be the emotional and sensitive person I am today? Would I have perhaps been the kid in the hallway laughing at the less fortunate, taunting and teasing them for being different? Honestly I would like to think that no, I wouldn't. Perhaps I wouldn't be as sensitive as I am, perhaps not as overly emotional as I tend to be, but I would like to believe that I would still be the good person who befriends the less fortunate and gives them a smile when no one else would. I would like to believe that I would still be a kind hearted person who looked for the best in everyone and sought to make others happy. I can only hope that my kindness is not some weird result of years of neglect and abuse. I do believe I would find some parenting decisions easier if I had been shown the right way to parent, if I had a better example set for me, but I do feel I am doing a pretty good job given the circumstances. I try to make gut decisions and I have learned to ask for help and advice when I feel clueless. Sissy has been a wonderful help of late and having had 3 tough boys (and 2 girls) she has some pretty creative ideas on parenting and discipline. She has dealt with the ADHD boy and so it is to her that I turn to when I need a helping hand. At least the egg donor provided me with a sibling who is not only older but is also smart and wise and has a good head on her shoulders. It also doesn't hurt that we can get along and she's willing to talk to me despite the fact that I call the egg donor just that...the egg donor. Older sister #2 thinks that is wrong, that I should give that anger and resentment to god and be healed inside so that I can forgive and move on. I feel she doesn't deserve my forgiveness and I have moved on anyway. I refuse to forget so that I can always know what not to be and I refuse to forgive....again she doesn't deserve it. I have mentioned before my feelings on god...so you already know that I am not so sure that he is this all powerful being who knows everything that's going on and as planned everything out. Honestly if some all powerful god PLANNED for me to be raped and beaten, planned that childhood for me, then he's an asshole and I certainly don't want to spend eternity with him! What a friggin jerkish thing that is to do to a child....to plan that kind of life for them, wow he's a really nice guy NOT! Don't even get into the bit about him being merciful...hell I begged and pleaded with that unknown god to help me out, to get me out of there, to save us from that life yet day after day, night after night, we continued to live a nightmare all because that merciful god had planned it. Nope, sorry, just can't bring myself to believe in that or to hand my pain over to him.

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Today I also wanted to share a happy memory since I have so few. It's kinda vague, but it's there and I love this memory all the same. Every time we have a big thunderstorm I remember it and it makes me smile. When I was a little girl we always looked forward to a summer thunderstorm, as the rain poured heavily down we would run and grab a bottle of beer and race to the nearest rain gutter. We would get our heads good and wet and then pour the beer over our heads and scrub it in like shampoo, then rinse it out in the gutter. I can still hear our laughter as we fought to get the best part of the roof (just off the corner of the porch on the right hand side) where there would be the biggest amount of water falling. It was so much fun taking our beer showers, and our hair was always so silky and smooth afterward.  Those were the times when I almost felt normal, the times when, even though we were wasting good beer, we were not yelled at or beaten for it. For some reason the egg donor allowed this behavior and occasionally would even laugh with us...although she never joined in on the fun. She almost seemed like a mother at those times, those rare moments that I can remember without an ache in my heart.

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I mentioned the other day that I was thinking of changing up my blog, I've decided that at least for now I'm gonna leave it as is. I don't think I have the discipline to post on 2 separate blogs and I'm not really sure my life is truly interesting enough anyway lol As for Orion's meds, well that's still up in the air and it's mainly because I'm not entirely sure he's actually feeling that way. When I mentioned to him about changing up his meds he said that the adderral doesn't really make it so he can't have fun it's just that he doesn't like taking it. A couple days after that he said he just doesn't want to change meds because he's afraid of worse side effects and  the uncertainty of how a different med would work. I hate the idea of him being depressed and forlorn because of his meds but now I'm not sure that it is the meds. I guess I will have to have the doctor talk to him and see if the doctor can get an honest answer out of him and maybe give him some reassurance that a different medicine may not be as bad as he's anticipating. I know that kids often change meds, I know that quite often people go through 5 or 6 different ones until they find the one that works best for their child, but Orion doesn't get that and doesn't want worse side effects. Unfortunately that could happen and there is no way to know what will happen until we try. I just don't know what to do and feel lost in this matter. I wish I had a magic 8 ball so I could ask it what to do, I wish I knew all the answers, I wish I could just wave a wand and make everything better...but I can't so I will trudge onward in hopes of tripping over the right answers sooner or later.

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Ok peoples, that's it for this week. I hope everyone has a terrific weekend and finds a way to make some happy memories for their children. No matter what kind of parent you are, whether ytou are the tough parent, the soft parent or even the inbetween parent, make sure your children hear you laugh so that when they grow up they will have something special to remember forever!

From Blogger Pictures

Thinking of making a change

Today I was thinking about making a change, I'm still debating it and am not sure if I will or not. I was thinking of actually splitting the b log and having 2 separate blogs instead of just this one. One would be titled something like "I'm a Survivor" or something a little more creative, but it would be for the sole purpose of talking about my child abuse survival and my healing process. The second blog would be titled something along the lines of
"Confessions of an ADHD Mom" and be for the purpose of talking about this life that I live currently. Honestly I just don't know if I have the ability to post on two separate blogs lol I'll think on it some more and make a decision at some point, but for now I will keep posting about both worlds in this one blog.

Speaking of both worlds, my life as an ADHD mom has been difficult this past week. With the cat situation I had plenty of reasons to be extra irritable and short with my words. I'm not the type of person to hide my feelings well, not even for my child. I tend to carry my heart on my sleeve so to speak and I do not have a poker face. I believe in expressing my feelings and letting them show. I didn't want to do that this past week since I felt I had to be strong for the boy, but that made it harder for me to hold my tongue and I did a lot of snipping at him and he seemed to know exactly what buttons to push. I didn't medicate him most days, and that in itself is a problem. He hates taking the meds and says it makes him feel like he can't have any fun, I don't know what that means exactly but when he does take the meds he often will just wander around like he's lost, claiming he can't think of anything to do and he doesn't enjoy even playing a video game. It's almost like he's depressed or something. Besides the point that when he's on the meds he doesn't eat much of anything. So I have been having him go without the meds so he can have fun, eat food and gain some weight. He is a much happier boy without the meds, but he can't even begin to concentrate or do the right thing even when he's without. He constantly does things he's not supposed to, bouncing on the couch, running around, chasing the cats and being loud and obnoxious. He swears worse than a truck driver without meds too and then when I discipline him he says he didn't do it. He doesn't even know he's misbehaving! It's exasperating, it's frustrating, and by the end of the day I am exhausted!  I'm tired of yelling at him all day every single day and I just don't know what to do. Do I change his meds or do I just continue to fight with him all the time...I just don't know!  Any suggestions?????

From Blogger Pictures

Whatever happened to Saturday morning cartoons???

This morning my son got up and as usual turned on the tv. As he searched through the guide I couldn't help but notice that the regular stations like ABC, NBC, CBS etc all had infomercials on and not a single cartoon. I realize there are now channels dedicated to kids programming, stations like Nick and Cartoon Network, but they don't always have programs that my son likes, they are on all the time .....and that's not the point! I feel like my kid is missing out on something wonderful, a favorite childhood pastime.

When I was a kid (and don't even get me started on how old I feel just saying that) every Saturday morning you turned on the tv  to CBS and you watched the Saturday morning cartoons. You got to watch such great things like Tom and Jerry or the Bugs Bunny Show. They were classics, fun programs that made you laugh and start your weekend off right. A kid can't seem to do that anymore because if they turn on those channels they are going to get things like P90X or some mini blender. There's great ways to lose weight, ways to camouflage your hair loss and ways to make yourself more beautiful or youthful looking...but sadly no laughter, no funnies, nothing for the children to enjoy. I remember the excitement of waiting all week just to see what thy would create next, what the next episode would be, or if perhaps they would play some really good old one that you hadn't seen in a really long time. It was something to look forward to, something to eat breakfast to, something to make the weekends extra special. They just aren't special anymore.

I really wish I knew what happened to Saturday morning cartoons cause they were one if the great things about bing a kid and I wish my kid could have experienced it.

From Blogger Pictures

I am numb today, sadness sits in my heart and i do not want to feel anything. I don't want to remember, I don't want to cry, but still I do both and it's breaking my heart! Yesterday I knew I would feel this, yesterday I knew this was coming, but yesterday it was not here and real so I would like to go back to yesterday until I am ready to face today.

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Today my son feels the pain I felt years ago, that emptiness that sits inside you, around you, encloses you like a cold blanket that weighs too much to lift off. It is not a good place to be and it's breaking my heart to watch him deal with this pain, this hurt, this sadness that lingers and just wont go away.

That is my boy just 3 years ago, the one below is me at just about the same age. My boy was so happy that day, the day before he had found this little kitten and we had told him he could keep it, that he could raise it and give it a good home. I was of the same feeling in that photo of me...that pup was mine (although in that photo she is no longer a puppy, it is the only photo of us I do have).

He named his kitten Sparky, because it was right before 4th of July and he reminded Orion of the color of fireworks, I named mine Mitsy, a character from a book I was reading.  We both loved our animals very deeply, we played with them and we fed them, we took good care of our animals. However we both had our animals leave us when they were way too young and now those smiles, that happiness, it's all just faded memories, memories that have been replaced by the image of a dead animal, happy playful memories now replaced with the sad ones of burying a beloved friend.

Poor Orion is hurting and although I can relate and I can sympathize, I can not take this away from him, I can not change it, and that knowledge breaks my heart. We created that slideshow yesterday, we worked hard to go through all the photos of our friend and added them with care. We needed to replace the last moment with the happy memories so that we could somehow go onward and face each new day without our friend. Together we put Sparky's name on the Rainbow Bridge website so that he can be included in the Monday night candle vigil next week. I read the story to Orion and we talked about how we will see our friends again someday. I hope it helped him to know I understand his pain as deeply as he feels it.

So today I feel numb because if I allow myself to feel the depth of my pain I will not be able to help my boy deal with his grief. He is brokenhearted by a terrible loss, the lost of a best friend!

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No magical words this week, just love your pets deeply and never take them for granted because you never know when they will be gone from your life forever and when they are gone, that shredded piece of furniture, those shredded drapes, that old worn out blanket they used to sleep on will be the only things you have left to hold.

From Blogger Pictures

RIP Sparky

Sparky finally passed away as we expected him to, he went to the rainbow bridge at about 8:30pm tonight. He will be dearly missed!

From Blogger Pictures

Another Sparky post....

Although you might tire of reading about Sparky he truly is the one thing on our minds these days. Last night, after I made that post, I finished up work and went in to check on our little kitty friend. He lifted his head when I entered and I went over to his crate and sat down on the floor beside it. When I opened the door to pet him he used what little strength he had to drag himself out of his crate and into my lap. I say drag because he couldn't really use his back legs, they just wouldn't support his weight. You have to understand something here, Sparky has NEVER been a lap cat! He would lay next to you on the couch, but he has not laid in anyone's lap since he was a tiny kitten. I held him like a baby and petted him gently, he closed his eyes and breathed so slowly he looked like he was completely comfortable. We stayed like that for close to an hour, him just relaxing in my arms, me just petting him and talking to him. I finally laid him back in his crate and went to bed thinking he probably wouldn't make it through the night, I figured that was his way of saying good-bye.

This morning I awoke to see him laying there in his crate, still alive, still breathing, but barely. He only has the strength to lift his head, he can't seem to do much else. I petted him, changed his bedding and talked to him for a bit. Orion got up and immediately went in to check on him, I picked Sparky up and helped Orion hold him for awhile while petting his head and loving on him. We put him back into his crate, opened the shade so that the sunlight could fall upon him (he always loved laying in the morning sun) and he is now relaxing in his crate in the sunlight.

I know I keep saying it, he can't last much longer, but this time I think the end truly is here for this poor kitty. I am sure that my next post will be a memorial post. As I watched him lay in his crate unable to do more than lift his head and look up at me, I could see just how very tired he truly is. He may fight, he may try to hang on, but he is tired and he will have to let go soon. He is losing this battle, the only thing that seems to bring us peace is the fact that he breaths slowly, appears relaxed and not in pain. He is just fading away quietly, heading for the rainbow bridge.

From Blogger Pictures

Another Sparky update

Would you believe me if I told you he's still hanging in there and even though he shows all signs of being in acute renal failure...meaning his kidneys are shot...he's peeing blood clots, he hasn't eaten anything since Thursday (5 days) and hasn't drank more than a teaspoon of liquid since Friday (4 days)??  Yep, amazing as it sounds he is still hanging around, still trying to hang on!

We are keeping him isolated in a crate in a different room from the other cats and he is just laying there very quiet and looks at peace with the world. He rolled over and let me rub his belly today...something he has never enjoyed or done before! He actually just closed his eyes and if he could have purred I am sure he would have. I don't know what to make of this animal, I never thought he would hang on for this long but yet every time I go in to check on him he's still thee twitching his tail looking around like he hasn't a care in the world. He has lost a lot of weight (goes without saying since he hasn't eaten or drank anything really)  and I keep finding myself amazed at his will to live. Although he simply won't if he keeps refusing food and liquids. Today when Orion and I tried to give him liquid he crawled to the back of the crate and turned his back toward us as if to say "I'm not talking to you until you take that away" Sure enough, as soon as we took the water away he crawled his way back to the front of the crate and lay down to get a belly rub.

Of course all this is only encouraging Orion to believe the cat will live, that he can fight off whatever is causing this...which in the opinion of the vet is probably his distemper shot. Apparently it damages the kidneys and animals that are predisposed toward kidney issues are often the victims. They have seen kidney failure in cats as young as 4 years old...which is how old Sparky is. Let me tell ya, I will NEVER give another cat the distemper shot!

From Blogger Pictures

Update on our Sparky

Amazingly Sparky is still alive this morning. He seems to go from looking like he's on deaths door to looking like he might actually recover from whatever is making him so ill. His gums have turned a little pink, but they still have that chocolate brown tinge to them, his tongue as well.  His eyes go between being fully dilated to looking almost normal. Yesterday he took a few drops of water as long as we dripped it into his mouth off our fingers, but today he pulls his head away. He refuses food and has not eaten a single thing since Thursday, I just don't see how much longer he can hold on. He seems to be fighting this with every bit of fight in him, he always was an ornery one, but there will come a point where he just can't hold on any longer. A part of me wishes he would just let go because this is tearing Orion to pieces!  Poor Orion has watched other animals die, he has seen numerous hamsters go and has even seen some cats go, but this is the first cat that he has raised from kittenhood. Sparky is the second kitten that Orion found and wanted to keep. So this one is extra hard on him because he helped to raise Sparky after finding him abandoned in the woods as a tiny kitten. Orion keeps seeing him get a little better and starts hoping that he'll be alright, he keeps hoping for some kind of miracle. This morning I thought for sure we were at the end because Sparky was just laying there on his side and didn't appear to even have the energy to lift his head. But of course within an hour of Orion kissing him on the head he's holding his head up and even trying to walk. It's almost like he's trying to hold on for the boy's sake! Orion went from telling Sparky it was ok to go on over to the Rainbow Bridge to thinking that maybe, just maybe he'll get better afterall. I hate this! As a rational adult I know that this cat is not going to get better. The vet has told us that without spending thousands of dollars on tests and possibly a liver transplant this cat is not going to get better and even then he still might not survive. We can not afford to spend all our savings on a cat, no matter how much we love him! Then to think that if we did that and he still died, we would then be out a cat and our savings....we just can not take the risk.

And so we still sit here waiting for what we believe to be inevitable, waiting for the end to come to this poor kitty. I am sure that no matter how strong he is, he can  not fight too much longer, the question is how much longer can he really hold on. The vet suggested spending the $300 to have him put to sleep, that seems crazy to me! He doesn't appear to be in any pain still so I see no reason to not just wait this out and let nature do its thing. It may take longer, but at least he will be here at home with the people he knows and loves in  his own environment. We all agree that if he does show signs of pain then we will at that point consider taking him in to the vets office to be put down, but until that time mother nature wins out.

From Blogger Pictures

It's a sad day in our house

We woke up  this morning to our cat Sparky vomiting in the bay window, vomit on the rug and the cat looking very ill indeed. He hasn't been acting right the past week, yesterday he was drooling and yowling loudly. Today he is in the cat crate in my sons room so that he can quietly rest, but he does not look good, as a matter of fact he very much reminds me of our cat Cartman who died a couple years ago of multi-system failure. He is sleeping mostly, but periodically yowling out as though he is scared, he does not appear to be in any pain at all. His gums and tongue have turned a chocolatey brown, his normal orange color has faded to a brownish orange and he is breathing very shallow. It looks like he is at the end and he's only about 4 years old! Orion is beside himself with worry, praying for a miracle that may not come. I called the vet and they of course suggested bringing him in for testing but said if his gums were brown then he is probably in the end stages of respiratory failure and would end up needing to b put to sleep....which would cost us $85 for the office visit and $250 to put him down. They suggested that as long as he is not in pain we just make him comfortable and let him pass here at home...which is what we are going with. They felt there would be nothing they could do for him.

And so here we sit, checking in on him periodically trying to pass the time until he fades and we have to put him in the ground. I pray he lasts long enough for hubby to get home from work and say good-bye.

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.......................

Let me first tell you a story of a little girl, a girl who was scared and tired of the stuff that was going on at home. She was in 1st grade and thought that maybe, just maybe, if she told someone her story they would be able to help. She really liked her teacher, so one day she stayed behind at recess time to talk to her.

The little girl stood there in the shadow of the teacher, twisting her hands together in nervousness, standing on her own toes, wriggling in the nervousness and shame of what she was about to tell. She had been told not to tell by her evil sperm donor, but this was something that her gut told her she needed to tell about. This was not a secret she should keep. Her blonde hair hung in her face, dirty and greasy it hung in strands covering her eyes. Her shirt was dirty and ragged looking, her pants torn and frayed and nearly 2 inches too short. As she looked down at her feet she could hear the taunts of the others students "You expecting a flood?" they would jeer while laughing at her misery, if only a flood would come and wash her away from this horribly sad world she had to live in. If only they had to endure the pain and suffering she had to, maybe then they wouldn't tease her quite so much.

She looked up at her teacher and said in a quiet voice, barely audible"my daddy hurts me" The teacher smiled her friendly smile and replies "well sometimes daddy has to spank because we do things wrong. He's just trying to teach you to be a good girl" The little girl feels the hot tears welling up in her eye, draws a deep breath of courage and says "no, he doesn't spank me, he hurts me down there" with trembling hands she points to her midsection and waits with bated breath for the teacher to speak.  This is it she thought, now I can be saved. Her disappointment had only just begun. As she looked up at her teacher, she knew by the smile, the pause in reply, the vacant look in her eyes, the girl knew she was not going to get help today.  The teacher simply replied "but dear, that's how our daddy shows us he loves us" With that the little girl put her fake smile back on and walked away, she would not be saved today!

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That little girl grew up with that memory permanently embedded in her  mind. She never forgot those words..that's how daddy shows that he loves us....she clearly had been hurt by her daddy too. I guess it was more common place back then. or perhaps she just didn't want to get involved, I'm not sure. One thing i know for sure.....that was not the right answer and that is why I write this blog! I spent many years trying to figure out why that teacher would tell me such a thing, why would she think it was ok? Even if she had been abused herself, she was now a grown-up, she could have and should have helped me escape. What is it with this mentality of it happened to me so that makes it ok for me to do it to others or to watch it happen to others and turn a blind eye upon it? I know it is now the law that teachers and doctors who suspect abuse must report it, I am not sure if it was back then or not. It was the late 70's so I don't think the law had actually been passed yet. Perhaps that teacher was just living with the mentality of what happens at home stays at home and felt she was only responsible for what happened in her classroom. Perhaps she thought it best that she not get involved. I don't know what she was thinking, but again I say it was wrong and I am glad the rules have changed so that other children can be saved.

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The other day I was reading Harry Potter to my son, it was the 6th book and we were reading the chapter where Dumbledore shows Harry the first Slughorn memory...the one that had been tampered with. I couldn't help but think to myself that is how a lot of my memories feel, blurry and faded, like I don't know exactly what really happened. The voices aren't quite right, the scenes are quite clear, and I wonder once again if there is something blocking that darkness. I know I had my zone that I would go into, that place where I could go in my mind to escape the reality I was stuck in. I know I have darkness hidden in my mind that apparently was too evil for me to cope with so my mind protected me by making me forget. I am of two minds when it comes to those memories...a part of me wants to know and a part of me wants to keep it all hidden away and never know just how bad it really was. That part of me believes that if it was so bad that I had to block it out and forget it, then perhaps I really just don't want to know! Perhaps it truly is best left forgotten forever! But then again, if Harry had not gotten the true memory then perhaps he never would have defeated Voldemort. Perhaps I will never defeat my Voldemort until I find my inner Harry Potter and reveal those memories.

I also think it would be really cool to have one of those pensieves so I could dump my memories that I don't want and only keep the good ones! THAT would be awesome!
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Alright people, that's it for this weeks edition of Thoughtful Thursday! Enjoy your weekend! My magical words of wisdom for the week....find your inner Harry Potter, be brave, be strong and defeat the evil that lingers in the world!

From Blogger Pictures

A day totally wasted........

Yesterday I wasted a full day in anger and bitterness.

I know I shouldn't have, I know I should have let it go

but instead of letting it go I held onto it, I wallowed in it

and I wasted an entire day being angry!

Today I am going to put the words here, going to put the feelings here, and then I will be able to walk away and not be angry anymore! If there is one thing I have learned from blogging it's that I feel much better when I write it all down, it's a release, it's a freedom enhancer, and I always feel better after blogging.

So why was so upset yesterday? It's because someone (and you know who you are so I need not say more) posted something on my facebook wall. It was actually a response to reading my blog, but her response would have been taken much better if she had the common decency to send me a message instead of post it on my wall making me look like some small child being disciplined by my mother. See she has a different view of some of my youth, not the abuse, the foster care part of it. She seems to think that I should simply be grateful to the foster care system because I was taken in despite my idiosyncrasies. Well honestly don't you think that my idiosyncrasies were the result of the abuse I had suffered and isn't that something that should be expected to be seen when you take in any foster child? Perhaps a baby would not have little quirks and peculiar habits, but an 11 year old child who has been raped and beaten all her life, doesn't she deserve to be a little weird??? Shouldn't some sort of unique behavior be expected? So I am grateful to the foster care system for getting me out, but not for taking me in despite my idiosyncrasies! 

She also commented saying that Big Sis #2 was the only one to do extra work, but she somehow forgot that Big Sis #2 was only there a short while. She went off to college and Sissy had to take over her list of jobs to do. I DID help Sissy out with her work, I did do her jobs when she went out and many times our foster mother wasn't even there on Saturday morning when we were doing the work, she was off at the market or doing something else so how would she have known?? Did she really think I was gonna rat out my Sissy? Seriously?

In the end it was her that called my social worker telling her that she needed to find me a new home. I was told by my social worker that she had called and that she felt I was no longer a good match for that home and that we needed to find me a good home. I am sure my social worker was not lying when she told me that my foster mother wanted me out and that it needed to happen asap. We did find a different home for me, but seriously I was a disposable child to her and that is how I will always look at her. Her children were gone off to college, my Big Sis #2 had gone off to college, Big Brother #3 had gone back to live with the egg donor because he was her Dumbledore and the only one she ever feared. Sissy was with her boyfriend, senior year of high school and it looked like she would be leaving as soon as her feet could get her out the door. That foster mother could not fool me, she just didn't want me in her hair for another 3 years, I could tell she only took us all in because Big Sis #2 wanted us all to stay together. I am sure the money from the state was nice too. Now that she was down to the last one, the one she liked least of all, well she could get rid of me and be done with this whole foster care thing.

Now years later she's reading my blog and contradicting me on my facebook wall. WHY??? At least I was there shortly after she posted it and I could delete the entire post. She couldn't just be an adult and post me a message between the two of us? She had to go to my facebook wall? She couldn't just post a comment on here? What exactly was she trying to prove by doing that? Was she just trying to piss me off? If she was then she certainly succeeded! But I refuse to spend another day being pissed at her so I will post this and move on in my life. Life is too short to sit around around trying to defend my blog posts to some old bitty who kicked me out of her home because I was too much for her to handle. I was a rebellious 14 year old child who had a lot to learn in life, she wasn't willing to take on that battle then so I certainly don't respect her opinion now.

From Blogger Pictures

35 year old mystery finally solved!

I clearly remember it like it was yesterday, little ole me, 4 1/2 years old eats a bunch of baby cucumbers relishing the delicious flavor! Within hours I feel pain in my mouth, there's a blister there. Soon there's numerous blisters and my mouth is on fire in pain! My egg donor looks in my mouth with a flashlight and is appalled by what she sees. She takes me to the doctor who is baffled and says it must be some kind of virus and sends me home with instructions to rinse with warm salt water a few times a day. The blisters go away eventually, but we never really knew what caused them......that is until yesterday!

Yesterday I was given some baby cucumbers from our neighbors garden. He had grown them but decided he wasn't as fond of them as he thought he would be (he had never grown them before apparently) so he gave them to me. I peeled them and ate them, relishing the flavor once again. I remembered being a little girl enjoying that very same  flavor and enjoyed one of the few warm memories I hold from my childhood. Within an hour a blister erupted in my mouth, then another and another. I called the dentist thinking this might be some kind of infection from the tooth that only holds a temporary crown and he said no way, if there was an infection it would be pain and pressure not blisters. I called my regular doctor to ask her opinion and she asked if I had eaten anything new. I explained about the cucumbers and she asked if I had any reaction when I ate them as a kid...and that is when I remembered the blisters and how the doctor had thought it was a virus. She says it's an allergy, one that apparently was not recognized when I was a kid! Apparently this particular species of cucumbers I am allergic to. After taking some benedryl, rinsing with hydrogen peroxide solution, and  not eating anymore of those delicious cucumbers I am feeling a bit better. It's hard to talk from the pain of the blisters, it'll interfere with work a little but such is life! I finally solved one childhood mystery, why I got blisters in my mouth when I was 4 years old!

From Blogger Pictures

Another hot day......

Today is one of those lazy Sundays where you do nothing but sit inside in the A/C because no one will go outside with you to play. Why won't they go outside???? Because it's 104 degrees out there, that's why!

Yes, you did indeed read that right 104 degrees!! I offered to tak the boy to the playground, offered to turn on the sprinkler, offered to do just about anything but he's opting to stay indoors and play video games....cursed things! I tried the whole "when I was a kid...." speech, that had no effect except for him feeling pity on me for not having A/C when  I was his age lol The hubby is no better, although it is 104 outside he keeps the house at a frigid 74 degrees...BRRRRRRRRRRR! 74 degrees air conditioned is way colder than your everyday 74 degrees! So I sit here bundled up on the couch with goosebumps and a blanket wishing I could convince the boy to go outside to play.

From Blogger Pictures