Welcome to Thoughtful Thursday once again! As you can see I created a little box for Thoughtful Thursday and you can feel free to use it if you wish to get some thoughts out of your head. Thoughtful Thursdays are all about abuse survival, when I write my thoughts of my past down in my blog I find that a small piece of my past heals and it becomes easier to survive and to feel like a survivor rather than a victim. My goal in posting these random thoughts is that someone might happen upon these posts and find themselves relating to my words and see that there is life after abuse. I hope that my words will help someone else heal, because that is the only good that can come from the unimaginable pain and suffering of abuse. Whether you were abused as a child or as an adult, whether it's sexual, physical or even just emotional...abuse is abuse and there is no excuse for it. It is far too common place in this world because we grow up with the mentality that what happens at home stays at home, we don't talk about the problems we have at home no matter how bad they are...that mentality is old and outdated and needs to stop! That mentality caused me and many others pain beyond imagination, physical and emotional scars that last a lifetime linger within us and often we end up in situations where it's repeated over and over again. I do not understand that mentality, but perhaps that's because I got out, I got into foster care at an age where I was still young enough to learn that the way we were treated was not the normal way to treat a child, I was a lucky one....my son is a lucky one because of it. He will never suffer because I refuse to treat him the ways that I was taught to treat a child, I will simply do the opposite of my life in the hopes that then he will be ok, that I will be ok, that our life will be proof that the cycle does not have to repeat! There is life after abuse and it begins with speaking out, letting others know what happened and making people aware that it is right there in front of your face. Perhaps my words will be read by someone and they will then look twice when they see their next door neighbors sad face, perhaps they will look deeper than the words spoken when they hear "I just tripped" or "it was an accident" Perhaps they will begin to notice the patterns or see it in their own life and realize it is not ok, it is not right and you can speak out!

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I often refer to my own life as a living hell or a nightmare that I couldn't wake up from. I hated my life so much that in conversation I refer to my "mother" as my egg donor and my "father" as my sperm donor. Of course now I know that the man I had thought for almost 40 years was my sperm donor was NOT my sperm donor, but I can't seem to wrap my head around the concept completely so although he was not MY sperm donor he was the donor of my siblings and so his name will remain Sperm Donor. My biological male creator was a creepy next door neighbor that my egg donor had an affair with, someone I barely knew, someone who sat and stared at me while I played in the yard. Why didn't he help? He had to of known that I was his and he had to of known that I was being hurt. To me he is even less of a father than the sperm donor because at least the sperm donor worked a job and provided money for us, taught us how to hunt so we could eat and taught us how to grow veggies in the garden. He may have been a sicko pedophile but he did stick around and teach us a couple of things, he didn't just watch from a distance doing and saying nothing. I hated him (still do as a matter of fact) for being such a sicko, I hated being raped, I hated having to cry in silence as he laid his heavy body on top of my tiny one so that he could have his way with me. I hated how he would pull me aside in the kitchen when the egg donor wasn't watching and put his hands down my pants and do things with his fingers that made me whimper in pain while he shushed me and told me it was ok because "Daddy loves his little blonde angel" That what he always called me, his little blonde angel. He only called me that when he was doing bad things though, never in a casual situation or as I would run off to school waving good-bye. He never called me that while hugging me or tucking me in at night, only at those moments when he was hurting me, only when  he was touching, only when he was the devil was I his angel. He was an evil man, so evil that I can barely think about what he did and I start to cringe. I automatically (even now as I type this) curl up into a little ball, full fetal position. As I type I have my feet up on the chair seat so that I feel a little safer, a little more protected. At night when I sleep I have to be under covers...doesn't matter how hot it is, I must be covered or I do not feel safe. I have to be able to see the escape route, I need to be able to see the path to safely get out of the room or I can not fall asleep. Even now, 28 years since the last time he raped me, I still am haunted by him and his evilness. Sad  I know....sad, but true.

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I'm only posting that one bit today, maybe someday I will be able to post more than one thought when it comes to the sperm donor, but as you can see it's still too painful. Even now I can barely breathe, I feel a tightness in my chest that only happens when I think about or talk about the sperm donor. I can't even begin to talk about specific situations with him because it really puts me into a panic attack...literally! I can't handle that part just yet, someday I will. Someday I will be able to tell that part of my story in more detail but not today...today just going as far as telling you what he used to call me has me feeling ill, I am literally sick to my stomach just remembering that because upon remembering those words I can hear them being spoken. I can hear his voice and suddenly I am no longer a free 39 year old woman but instead I am a helpless 2 year old toddler...yes he started in on me that young! How I survived, how I managed to actually have a child and carry him to term baffles the minds of some of the best doctors in this state....probably in this country. I am a survivor, but I still have scars and today they will heal just a little because I found my voice, I found a way to speak out and be heard. Even if I am the only one to ever read this post, I feel a little more free because of it and maybe now I can start to find a way to speak more, to give more details, to make the nightmare stop and finally wake up.

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Have a great weekend and remember to hug your children and make sure you let them know the dangers that lie out there! 1 in ever 4 girls will be sexually molested by the time they turn 18, it's 1 in every 6 for boys! PLEASE, make them aware, you don't have to go into details but you can make them aware that there are nutjobs out there whose sole purpose in life is to harm small children.

From Blogger Pictures

It's been quiet around here

Not just on my blog LOL here at my house!

This week is the first week Orion is attending the camp that is in my mother-in-laws town. She runs the program, so she puts his name on the list of kids for whatever weeks I want him to go. It's not an overnight camp, but since it's in her town (which is an hours drive in the mornings because of traffic) Orion has spent last night and tonight at her house. I will pick him up tomorrow because we have bowling on Wednesday nights and he doesn't want to miss 2 weeks in a row. I'll have to drive him there on Thursday morning because that is the day they will be busing all the campers to a water park down in cape cod. Friday I will let him decide if he wants to return to camp or not.

So the last couple of days have been boy free and it's been very quiet without him. He's very much Mama's boy, and tonight he called around 8:15 to talk to me. He sounded so sad and lonely, said he wished he had agreed to only one night  sleeping over because he didn't sleep well at all last night. Apparently he didn't even end up sleeping at his grandparents house, but instead slept at her neighbors house. Their neighbors have 2 boys, one is a year younger than Orion, the other about 4 years older than him. They play well together and are attending the camp together. Orion has never slept at anyone's house but ours and my in-laws, so it was weird for him. When I reminded him that I had to work tonight, he said he wished he had called me sooner, I could tell he didn't want to stay a second night but I really would not have been able to make it out there and back in time to get to work. I told him to curl up on his grandmothers couch, put on a movie and fall asleep there...and I made sure to tell her to set that up for him so that he would be comfortable. I have a feeling he's just really tired and after a good nights sleep he'll be just fine.....also betting that tomorrow night I'll have have a certain little boy crawling in between me and hubby before the night is through.

From Blogger Pictures

Vacation Photos

Since I had so many pictures to share (and this is only a small sampling of all the photos I took lol) I have opted to put these into a slideshow. Enjoy!

Vacation 2010 - how to create a free slideshow

From Blogger Pictures

A long post from and about our vacation

I didn't have good internet where I was so I used Microsoft Word to write up what I would say and saved it for now. Here are my thoughts from vacation :)

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Vacation Officially Started:

Here I sit up in the beautiful state of Vermont, it’s about 6am on Sunday morning. We spent most of yesterday doing the usual family stuff….arguing and fighting, enjoying some sights (took Orion to see the Quechee Gorge), ate some pure Vermont maple candy (YUM) fought some more and we arrived at our destination. We settled in, went out looking for a super market, fought some more cause the kid wanted to make sure we got back in  time for the pools, found some Vermont maple soda (over and ounce of pure Vermont maple syrup mixed with carbonated spring water) came back and found a pool with a water slide, managed to get Orion to come with me on it and he had so much fun he begged Dad to go again

Currently the two boys are still sound asleep and I’m sitting out here on the deck. Sadly I can’t figure out how to post a photo into this from the laptop camera lol It’s probably about 65 degrees, and I’m watching the sun rise up across the mountains in front of me!   The air is so sweet, it’s doing wonderful things to my hair and I couldn’t feel more at home. I truly have missed this beautiful state! It feels so good to be back here, even though I am quite a bit north of where I grew up. We drove up the highway past the exit of my old hometown, and I had such a desire to go there, but hubby just kept on driving and said “buh-bye” as in good riddance! He hates anything to do with my past and would love nothing more than for me to forget it all and live happily ever after thinking my life started the day I met him. He’s a great guy, but he does not get the draw, he doesn’t understand the need to be there, to see it, to be able to be there and know that I have truly escaped. I know I have escaped, but I have never gone there knowing I could safely walk away, knowing without a shadow of a doubt I would never be locked in those memories ever again. I feel that to truly heal I will need to do that someday, just like Sissy did. For now I will just enjoy the peace and quiet that is right here, I will enjoy the fact that no one is fighting, no one is arguing about what we should do first, enjoying not having to be the referee between the grown up boy and the boy who is growing up. AHHHHH it’s great being a mom LOL

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Vacation Day 3

The last couple of days have passed in a blur of fun, sun and laughter with a little of that good ‘ole family fighting mixed in. Orion went without meds yesterday, although he did great when we kept him busy with pools, rock searching in the brook,  and the fun center, whenever there was down time…like lunch for instance, he wasn’t so great. He’s a challenge, but we made it through and hubby finally saw what I see on a daily basis and he realized why I am so exhausted by the end of the day. He also realized why mom said the boy was to be medicated every single day of vacation lol It’s really nice to hear “You’re right mom, I should’ve listened to you” especially when it’s coming from the hubby lol

4th of July ended with a huge bang as I sat listening to the Vermont Army band talking about the boys who are overseas fighting right now. They told of a 23 year old man who was just killed on Friday (who was  from the area)  and  left behind a wife and a new baby girl. They played songs dedicated to those who are over there fighting right now…..my nephew is among them…and I cried. My son, luckily, did not completely grasp the reason for my tears until afterward when I explained how I had already lost family to this war and when they started talking about that 23 year old man it really hit me. My nephew was born 09/19/1986, he will be 24 this year! I was there the day he was born, held him before anyone (other than the doctor who helped him out) and I helped my sissy a lot when he was a baby because his father was in the army and he was in training and could not get home for the birth of his son. My nephew, was very much my first baby, the child that convinced me that I wanted one of those of my own in the (then ) distant future. It is with him that I learned about difficult boys, where I learned to change diapers, learned how to calm a crying baby. It was through him that I learned to be a good caring mother by watching sissy with him and caring for him when she was asleep or out. She was only 18 at the time, still a baby herself, but through the two of them I learned so much. And so I sat here on the deck of our unit, listening to the story of the 23 year old from Vermont, worrying about my own special 23 year old from Vermont, hoping he comes home safe and sound and not like that other 23 year old man. I cried like a baby and my son just looked on, hugged me and kissed m on the cheek (something I haven’t gotten in a very long time ) and simply told me it was ok. My hubby hugged me and I bawled even worse because his touch does that to me, his strength lets me release and his power allows me to feel safe and secure. We watched the fireworks come up over the mountain and it was a wonderful 20 minutes, a great way to end my day. May whatever all powerful god or goddess or whatever is out there controlling the universe watch over my boy and bring him home.


Today we plan to go over to Stowe and ride the Gondola to the top of the mountain and hike to the top of Mt. Mansfield. Today will be a good day. But first I will sit, relax and enjoy my cup of coffee as I watch the sun rise up over the mountains once again and enjoy the beauty that I may not see again for awhile. I will leave today with this…..Last night hubby says to me…”Let me tell ya honey, looking around here you can tell that you’re home and that we are among your people.” I laughed thinking he was talking about how simple and carefree everyone is, how nice they are and everyone has a smile but I was wrong. He goes on to tell me that we all look alike and he’s beginning to wonder if they are all my cousins LMAO I couldn’t help but think…with an egg donor like mine, anything is possible!


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Vacation Day 3, part 2

I’m sitting here in the bed relaxing after one very long day! It started out well enough, peaceful and quiet, but soon after it became a lot less like fun. See we decided to go up to Mt. Mansfield to go hiking. We drove through the notch, stopped at the smuggler’s cave to take some pictures, then onward to the Stowe gondola to go up the mountain.  We arrived at the gondola about 1/2 hour before it opened so we opted to drive to a convenience store to grab some snacks. As we’re riding back to the gondola I’m eating my maple beef jerky when I feel something in my mouth that feels like a small rock, at first I thought the beef jerky had a stone in it but quickly realized it was a piece of a tooth :( One of my molars broke, it sucked but what could I do? At first it didn’t hurt so we went up the gondola, climbed up as high as we could go realizing that the path to the top from the gondola was way too difficult for Orion, there were gaps in the rock that his short legs just could not cross. So we sat about 600 feet from the top and still had a wonderful view. As we came back down my tooth started to really hurt and by the time we got to the gondola to ride back down I was in quite a bit of pain. Lucky for me I packed lots of motrin so I can take 800 mg every 4 hours. I’m managing but it’s rather painful and not fun. Of course Orion is having so much fun I am putting on my brave face and making sure he doesn’t see just how much pain I am in. Last thing I want to do is cut the vacation short since he’s truly enjoying his time here. We will head home on Wednesday as planned and when we get back I will get off to a dentist to have this tooth taken care of.
Mean while Orion has had tons of fun in the pools, he’s totally enjoying the waterslides and the scenery. He’s even gone down some of the waterslides backwards which is rather impressive! I look forward to watching him play more tomorrow


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Vacation day 4

Today we woke up a lot later than previous days due to the fact that we are all tired from our hike yesterday. But that didn't stop us from going back to Mt. Mansfield, taking the toll road up in the car and hiking the much easier 1 1/2 mile hike to the very top. I was determined to have my son stand on the top of Vermont so I took the bottle of motrin in the backpack and we took him to the top.  After coming back down we all had ice cream ( a painful feat for me with this tooth)since  it was always a tradition when I was younger that anyone who got to the top got ice cream at the bottom and I wasn't breaking that tradition.  After ice cream and dinner we took Orion back to the pools where he perfected the art of diving for stones and money.


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Final day...back home


As we left Vermont we stopped at the Moss Glen River Falls to look at some of the most beautiful falls I have ever seen. We took off our shoes and walked in the water up to the falls and took some great photos. I found some wild rasberry bushes and picked some ripe berries for Orion to enjoy. We left Vermont feeling that we very much want to go back every year....something I will NOT complain about in the least! I'll miss the beauty and fresh air, I'll miss my home state but I will return. 


My tooth is really bothering me now and I will go see the dentist in the morning to see what needs to be done about it.  Photos will follow soon, once I have them all organized :)

From Blogger Pictures

Oppps, I forgot Thoughtful thursday

 I was so busy worrying about what I was forgetting to pack that I completely neglected to post a Thoughtful Thursday post. Gosh, I'm sorry!

This week has been one of great  reflection for me as I prepare to go on our family vacation. I never really had a vacation when I was a kid, my boy doesn't know just how lucky he truly is! My evil egg donor at best would drive us off to some out of the way place to sing in a show...one of the ones  I remember most was called the "Lone Star Ranch" but it was not in Texas lol There were these tall pine trees everywhere, little cabins for the singers to get dressed in and practice before our turn to sing. Then, when it was our turn, we went up on stage and sang.

 That's me in dead center on the mic....Big Sis #2 is on the left side of the photo half hidden  by the mic and Big Sis  is on the right.

That's all of us, as I mentioned in previous posts Big Brother #3 played the dobro and in that photo Big Sis is up at the mic.

During our travels we often stopped in fields to practice and eat some lunch

The woman in red is my evil egg donor and the man in all those photos is her boyfriend, not the evil sperm donor. As you can see Big Sis and I hung near each other most the time and  even though we fought a lot (as siblings often do) she truly was (and still is) my best friend!  Although I got to see a lot of the country traveling to all those shows, it was never a fun time, never a real vacation, nothing like what we have planned for this coming week.

I remember going to carnivals to sing and wanting so badly to ride on the rides, the one I wanted to do the most was those big swings...you know the ones I'm talking about. You sit on these swings that are hanging on long chains and then they turn it on and it spins in circles and you fly way up high in the air...I still want to ride one of those swings, but unfortunately I married a man who is very weary of carnivals and is sure that some drunk carnie guy put the swings together and that I would just fly away...so even as a grown up I still don't get to ride the swings :( This week we're going to Smuggs and at smuggs they have what they call the giant swing...it's more like a human sling shot but darn it I'm doing it! I already told hubs and Orion that they won't be stopping me, I'm doing it. They strap you into a body harness like a mountain climbing thing, then hook you up to the swing, raise you up about 100 feet in the air and let you go. You fly back and forth on the swing until you naturally stop on your own! I can not wait! It looks like so much fun and darn it I am not missing out on that kind of fun! This year I am going to do all the things I wanted to as a kid, I'm going to let my hair down (so to speak since I wear it down 99.9% of the time) and I am going to just have fun! No concerns, no worrying about getting hurt, just pure fun! I so can not wait! I even have the hubs agreeing that if we are having enough fun we might even see about staying an extra night and have fun for an extra day! Wouldn't that be awesome! The weather is supposed to be perfect...bright, sunny, in the mid-80's very single day with a slight chance of afternoon/evening showers only one day...and the chances are about 20% so we're not worried at all!
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I might not be posting a Thoughtful Thursday next week, since we'll be away on vacation, but I want you all to hug your kids and remember that vacations are needed and if your kids want to have a little fun but you're too scared, let them have their fun so they won't resent you when  they grow up! Have a fun and safe 4th of July and by all means don't blow any body parts up when lighting off those fireworks lol Now firecrackers and frogs or crabs makes an interesting combination but I won't go there lol

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursdays................

Here we are on another Thursday, time for me to think about life....life as it was, life as it is, and life as it will be in  the future.

Today I had a wonderful conversation with my son. We did a lot of driving....grocery shopping, vets, etc and I love the car rides because it's a great time to talk and have conversation. I find that Orion talks more when we're in the car and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that he knows I have to keep my eyes on the road and can't look at him as much. When I can't see his face I can't see if he's uncomfortable or making a face at me or whatever so it relaxes him some and we can talk.

Today our talk started out by talking about our vacation coming up. I told him I want to face some fears this trip and that the reason I am doing it is because I feel I am not setting a very good example for him when I refuse to do something just because I'm afraid...especially when I know that it's all in my head and I really have nothing to be afraid of. See, I have this fear of dark places (remember the closet under the stairs) and I have a fear of going under water because of a car "accident" when I was little. I put the word accident in quotes because I don't think it truly was an accident...I was little so I don't think I'll ever know the truth on it, but deep down I think my evil egg donor was actually trying to kill me by driving the car off the bridge in the middle of winter into the freezing water below. I honestly believe she had every intention of me dying that day and had not planned on the farmer being there to save us. Anyway, because of these things I have this irrational fear of waterslides that are enclosed. I have, up until now, refused to go into them because of my fear. I know I would survive, but I am so unbelievably afraid I have never managed to do it even though so many people say what fun it is. I also have this thing about going down waterslides backwards, out of my control, not being able to see where I am going...unfortunately this has worn off on Orion and he freaks out over waterslides where he may end up going backwards. Mainly he will just say no, he would rather just play in the pool or whatever, he would rather wait at the bottom, anything to avoid going down the slide because he's afraid of ending up backwards. I have decided that he is so afraid of being afraid that he is missing out on so much...and I can't help but think it's partly my fault.

So today I told him my plan for vacation. See the place we are going to has waterslides...one is an enclosed slide and I told Orion I am going to face my fear and this vacation I am going down that slide! I told him it would greatly help me to face my fears if he would face his as well and go down the other one that is not enclosed but does have a possibility of ending up backwards. I told him honestly how I felt, that I felt I was doing him a disservice by being so fearful and that Daddy is right when he says that we are being irrational in our fears. I told him that I felt he was going to miss out on too much if I allowed the fear to hold us back...he sounded shocked that I was actually admitting my fears to him and that I was going to face them. Of course being the wonderful child that I have raised he agreed to help me by facing his fears with me and going down that slide! I can't tell you how happy it made me to realize that I have such an impact on this child and that together he and I are going to win the battle against our fears, we are going to let loose and we are going to have fun! I totally can not wait for this vacation to start!

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My evil egg donor used to say something to me often:

"You never should have been born!"

How can a mother say such a thing to her own child?? I can not fathom it!

I sometimes will joke with Orion...I'll ask him "What am I going to do with you?" to which he will to reply "trade me in and get a new one" and I will laugh and say "now there's an idea except they won't let me"

The difference between me and my egg donor....I could tell she meant it, Orion can tell I am joking and it always makes us laugh! It's our way of making light of his situation...his ADHD....it's our way of finding a way to muddle through and get through some really frustrating moments. He knows I'm not serious, he knows I would never trade him in even if it were perfectly legal and acceptable to do so. Now my egg donor...I knew she meant it, I knew she never wanted to have me. How do I know this...because she told me and reminded me of it as she held a pillow over my face trying to kill me! She never wanted me and she wanted me out of her life, she wanted me dead!

I often find myself asking why the heck she fought so much when the state came in and took us away, she was finally rid of me afterall. Someone had come in and taken me away, someone had put a stop to her suffering. Why did she fight and lie and say she never hurt us? Why did she say she never laid a hand on us, never harmed a hair on our heads. Why did she ask the judge to give her back the child she never even wanted in the first place?? These are questions that will probably never be answered and honestly, I probably don't want to know the answers to anyway.

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Have a great weekend everyone :) Remember, be honest with your kids because it's when we show our weaknesses and are honest with them that we gain their respect and admiration.

From Blogger Pictures

The week in review

So Orion finished up 4th grade last week Friday, he's now officially  a 5th grader....at least I assume he is considering he got straight B's. The report card didn't actually say he was heading into the 5th grade like usual, but with straight B's I don't see how he couldn't move onward. Our disappointment came when we realized that he was not given the advanced math class for next year, apparently his ability to work by himself just isn't up to par and although he can do math at a 6th grade level he needs too much supervision to be able to be in the advanced class. Orion sat on the couch and cried most of Friday afternoon over this fact and over the fact that he felt he deserved better grades than he received. This poor kid again received poor marks for his effort which upsets me simply because I know he does try, it's just not easy when you suffer with ADHD. I also know that he makes a lot of careless mistakes and I am sure that counted against him. He doesn't like to ask for help, he prefers to struggle and work out the problems on his own, however when he does this and gets the answer wrong the teacher sees it as a lack of effort because he didn't ask for help and he didn't get it right. It sucks! I wish I could just make it magically better for him!! I hope that next year he proves them wrong and shows them that he deserves to be in the advanced  class and that they made a mistake. I hope he isn't so bored in the regular class that he becomes a problem, I hope he uses this as a chance to learn to control himself and his boredom a bit better. I hope he makes the best of the situation!

Summer began quite pleasantly with sunny days and thunderstorm nights. We have had the chance to watch fireflies dancing in the bushes and count the number of flickers for the firefly watch we do for the Science museum in Boston. We have been doing it for a couple of years now, they are trying to determine if the use of pesticides is harming the firefly population. They have recruited people from all across the country to watch for fireflies and then register on their website to make reports during the summers of what they find. We report the flickers, the weather conditions, the kind of territory we have etc. It's a fun thing we do together and it's been great to see our findings this year are far greater than in years past! The fireflies seem to be making a comeback around here!

Also we have started our countdown to summer vacation! We leave on July 3rd for some fun in the sun in Vermont! I can hardly wait! I  have started my list of things we will need and  it's growing by the day! I am determined to not forget a single thing...a  mom can hope right???

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.......

I just finished up field day at Orion's school and am settled in to eat some lunch and do some typing and studying before I have to go get Orion from school. As I was walking back to my house I couldn't help but think back 28 years to my next to last day of 5th grade. It was then that my world changed completely.

See the next to last day of 5th grade I was woken up rather hastily by Big Sister #2 right before she got onto the bus for the day. She dragged me into the bathroom and closed and locked the door. She had an urgent look on her face, a look of worry and fear, I thought I was in trouble and she was trying to warn me before the evil egg donor got ahold of me. Instead, in whispers I could barely heard she said:

"Someone is coming to your school today to pick you up, you don't know her but you are to go with her. She may have a police officer with her, but do  not be afraid! Go with them no matter what and she will bring you to me, just remember you MUST go with her!"

I remember the words like it was yesterday, I was confused but she said no more. She simply unlocked the door and ran out to meet the buss calling over her shoulder, "Don't forget, I'll see you after school" I got dressed and headed off to school. I was the only one in the family still in the elementary school. Big Sis was 3 years older than me and had her last year there 2 years prior. She was now a Jr. High student riding the bus with Big Brother #3 and Big Sister #2. I was all alone walking to school but I didn't mind. I enjoyed the quiet time I had while walking that mile, looking at nature, getting lost in my thoughts until I arrived at the place where I was the weird kid because I wore glasses and was so shy I had trouble talking to kids I had known all my life. That day was going to be a good day though, Mr. Hutchinson would have us all washing desks and cleaning the blackboard. We would get to smash the erasers against the wall outside, making chalk dust fly into clouds of yellow dust. It would be a fun day ending in planning field day for the next day, the last day of 5th grade. We would get our "Welcome to 6th grade" letters from the older kids and get to hear all about what 6th grade was all about.

But alas, all that was not to be. I found myself hearing my sisters words in my mind, looking at the classroom door, wondering when this strange lady would come for me and WHY she was coming. I went out to recess and played, I remember taking off my sweater and leaving it next to the swings that I so loved to swing in. I always preferred the wooden swings over the rubber ones that hugged your butt because you could stand up in the wooden ones so much better. Jumping out of the swing from standing was way more fun so i preferred those. After recess we went back in and finished cleaning out our desks, washing them inside and out with soapy water. We threw away our trash and old papers, made paper airplanes and flew them around because we could get away with it for that day. Mr Hutchinson was cool like that, he let us get away with more at the end of the year. It was shortly before the end of the day when  I saw the lady with long brown hair stop at our classroom door. She spoke quietly to Mr Hutchinson who called me over to the door. He quietly told me to get the stuff I was taking with me, I had to go with Ms. Wheatley. I remember my heart feeling like it was stopping, would I see my friends again, would I get the chance to say good-bye? I remembered my sweater and told them I needed to run out and get it, Mr. Hutchinson told me that would be fine. I ran out the back door that was open to the playground, then began walking slowly, feeling I needed to take this time to remember this playground. I had a feeling I might  not get to be on it again and so I slowed to a crawl and remembered the fun times I had there. Remembered making the giant class snowman that was as tall as our teacher and took the entire class to build. I remembered laying int the field with my best friends watching clouds go by overhead. I remembered when they put in that ice rink in the middle of the front so we could have more to do at recess in the winter months and I remembered swinging and singing with my friends. I sat on the wooden swing for a moment, thinking about what my future held, and although I had no idea what was happening or where I was going, I somehow knew I would not be returning here. I held it in my heart for a moment more, grabbed my sweater off the ground and returned to the classroom ready to face whatever was in store for me. I packed my bag and I walked out of the classroom between this lady and a police officer, my class quietly watching as I walked away. I didn't get to say good-bye to my very best friend, the thought made me sad. I asked the nice lady if I could come back the next day for field day, she said we would see...I think she was just trying not to upset me anymore than I already was. I was put into the backseat of a police car, the lady got into the front with the policeman and we drove away.

As we rode in the car, I remember her turning around to ask me if I knew why they had come, why I was with her. I told her all I knew was that Big Sister #2 told me to go with her and I was just doing what I was told. She explained that she was a social worker for the state of Vermont and that she was there to take me away. I asked if I had done something wrong, afterall the evil egg donor had told me numerous times that children who disrespected their mothers could be sent to jail by their parents and she often threatened to call the cops and have me sent to jail if I didn't do as I was told. The nice lady told me no, I was fine, it was the evil egg donor who was bad and she was there to protect me.

We drove to the high school where we went to the 7th grade english teachers classroom. There were grammar posters on the walls and desks all lined up, Ms. Wheatley told me to have a seat and she was going to go to the office and make sure the others remembered to report there as well. The teacher came in and offered to sit with me while Ms. Wheatley went to the office. Turns out, that lady was to be my temporary foster mother until they could find a home for all 4 of us minor children. Big Sis was the first to arrive, she hugged me and told me everything was going to be fine. She was always the strong one, the one I looked up to most and seemed to actually care about me and my feelings. I knew she could tell how scared I was and she was trying to help me feel better. Big Brother #3 came second, he was more quiet and did not hug me, barely even said a word. Big Sister #2 arrived last with Ms. Wheatley. We all packed into the english teachers mini-van and went to her house. They had a small house, but they had a swing in the back yard, the teacher told me to feel free to go use it while the grown-ups talked. I remember thinkking that Big Sister #2 was not a grown up but yet she got to join in on the conversation. I asked who was going to take me to school for my last day....I got the same "we'll see" answer as I was shoo'ed out the door.

I spent one night at the english teachers house, then we moved to a new house, one that already had like 15 kids. We had to be placed somewhere where the egg donor didn't know where we were, we were hidden away...I never did get back for field day or to get my report card or anything :( It made me sad to have missed out on the most fun day at school! I rode a borrowed rusty bike around dirt roads, always within visual range of the house because I had to be seen by the mother at all times. If the egg donor happened to find us we could get stolen by her or hurt by her, so we had to stay where we could be seen and protected until we went to court. That's where I had my first bad biking accident, the bike I was given to ride was a 10 speed and I had never riden one of those before...I didn't know the brakes were on the handles and not in the pedals like my old bike. I crashed, got a pebble stuck...and I do mean stuck...in my elbow. The bone stpped the rock from going any deeper actually. I still have a scar from that...the spot is dead actually, can't feel a thing there! Day 3 we went to court, that's when things got really weird!

Court was not like you see on TV, I was introduced to this weird old man and was told he was to be my representative. I would tell him whatever I wanted the judge to know and he would speak for me. He and I went off together and he asked all kinds of questions about the egg donor and I told him somethings, but I was still under the impression she would beat the crap out of me if I told anything really big so most I didn't dare speak about. Lucky for me the older kids had no such problems or confussion and they spoke out about everything. The egg donor swore up and down that she did nothing wrong, she never laid a hand on us, she did  nothing but love us. The judge asked me a couple questions and then my rep questions and then we were dismissed. Each of us had to face the egg donor on our own with our own reps, it was kind of nice to be heard, to have someone want to hear my side and to not be shut up by older siblings. Someone cared about my opinion, it was really quite nice. The judge took our side and ordered us removed for at least 6 months. We were all to attend therapy with child psychologists weekly and see him again in 6 months time. The egg donor was supposed to get therapy too and was allowed supervised visitation rights only if the children wanted it...I wanted nothing to do with her now that I was free of her. Every week she tried to visit me but everytime she showed up for a visit I would be off on my bike somewhere and I would not return until her car was gone. If she happened to see me she would only beg me to love her and give her a hug, I was repulsed by her and wanted nothing more than to get away.

I went into foster care when I was 11 years old, in the 7 years of foster care I was in 7 different homes. Some were group homes, some were only temporary, some just didn't work out because I couldn't get along with the mother who tried too hard to make me visit with the evil egg donor. I was angry that noone seemed to want to listen to me, it was all about older sister #2 and how wonderful she was. No one seemed to care that I had been molested, or that I had been hurt by the men i  the house, only that older sister #2 had. I bottled it all up inside and quickly became a very angry girl. I began to drink hard alcohol, anything I could get my hands on, I continued to smoke. I cried a lot and fought a lot, it was not an easy adjustment to make. Once I told them about the molestation they were shocked that I too had suffered more tha  just physical abuse from the egg donor. They hadn't known...personally i think they were just so wrapped up in big sister #2 that they didn't notice me suffering in the shadows.

I did struggle with a lot of the anger and frustration  that first year of foster care. It really wasn't all  that great. Most the foster mothers were all about helping big sister #2 and  then Big Sis then me. I was an after thought...as usual. I was given lists of chores to do while big sister #2 was allowed to go out on a date. I began to feel like cinderella. Big Sis often rebelled and just didn't do her chores, she would take off in the early morning hours with her friends and not return till late, I often did her chores for her so she wouldn't get into trouble. I lived in the mind-set that we would be in big trouble if we didn't do as we were told....all because of how we were raised. I was forced to take swimming lessons with little 4 and 5 year olds because I was a beginner and had a major fear of water, I stopped going after I learned the basics and was graduated to intermediate lessons. I simply refused to take more lessons with little kids half my age who laughed at me like I was some kind of retard for not knowing how to swim at 11 years old. I was forced to play with other kids my age who I could tell wanted nothing more than to be with their friends that they knew all their lives, they certainly didn't want to hang out with some new weird kid who was so shy it was painful. I can't blame them, I wanted nothing  more than to be hiding in my room, doing nothing but listening to music and reading a book. I didn't want to make new friends, I was far too shy for such a thing. I survived foster care, but it wasn't a ride in the park!

And so I remember because I can't forget. My world changed, I was saved from the abuse and on my next to last day of 5th grade I met my first day of healing. here I am almost 30 years later wondering when the pain will stop fully, when  will it get to a point that I remember but it doesn't hurt anymore. Something tells me that in another 30 years I'll still be wondering.

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And so ends another Thoughtful Thursday! Enjoy your beginning of summer, enjoy your kids and enjoy your life. Wake up with a smile in your heart and know that your kids are your most precious gifts ever!

From Blogger Pictures

Just had the best night ever

It's Wednesday night so it's bowling night for me and Orion. I started out by stopping at CVS to grab a couple things and found that my favorite energy drinks were on sale...10 for $10! Normally $2.49 each it was an amazing deal! Then I get over to the bowling alley and see that Orion and I are tied for 1st place in points and I was in 3rd place for high average, high game and high series. Then we started bowling!! My first game was my best game ever and beat the current high single game score! My second game was average and then my third game beat my first game! So I bowled my 2 highest games ever in one night!  Then to top of the night, as we pull into the drive-way I see a flicker of lights in the bushes...fireflies were dancing and the sun hadn't even fully set yet! Orion and I sat in the car watching the fireflies for a good 5 to 10 minutes before I decided I did need to get him inside to bed since technically it still is a school night.

Tomorrow I go over to the school for field day, I hope it doesn't rain on us. If it does, my guess is we'll end up playing games in the gymnasium.

From Blogger Pictures

He's been counting down the days

until he becomes a 5th grader!

I can't believe that on Friday my boy will complete his last day of 4th grade at 1:05pm and officially become a 5th grader!!!

My how time flies!

From Blogger Pictures

It's 4am do you know where your child is???

That was me just this morning....not even kidding!

See usually Orion ends up in my bed at night, he sleep walks right into my room and under the covers by midnight so most nights when I finish up work and crawl into bed I am greeted with a boy curling right up and hugging me...trust me it's rather nice after 4 to 5 hours of getting yelled at by exasperated customers :) ANYWAY, that's what happened last night, 1am I crawl into bed, he's already there  curled up sleeping peacefully and since my theory has always been...let sleeping children lie....I of course just got into bed and went to sleep.

4am I hear the boy coughing so I wake up, roll over to where he had been 3 hours before, and he's not there! Normally he never leaves the bed unless something is wrong, so in a silly half-awake stupor I frantically search the house for the child...of course I find him playing in his bedroom but he gave  me a heart attack anyway! His claim was he could not sleep for the past hour so he gave up trying and went to his room. He's got the TV on, he's bouncing a balloon with his feet and the cat that just had surgery on Thursday is laying on his floor instead of in her crate where she should be...and he wonders why I turn everything off and very sternly send him to bed! It's 4am, I'm now running on 3 hours of sleep and he's wondering why I'm upset! Of course it's after I get him settled into his bed that he tells me that his chest hurts when he breathes! So I take a quick listen (I'm actually pretty good at listening to his chest when he takes a deep breath) and sure enough he's wheezing...gee why didn't you tell me this earlier??? His response...he didn't want me to be mad. I'll never understand, perhaps he thought I would be less mad just to find him playing in his bedroom at 4am??? Silly boy! So I give him his inhalers, get him settled in and try to get him to go back to sleep (he does have to be at school in 5 hours) but no such luck. He stayed awake all morning long! I sent him off to school yawning and looking extremely tired...maybe now he'll understand the importance of a good nights sleep!

From Blogger Pictures

The wild child is ill

My poor baby boy is sick, he's running a very low grade fever, has a sore throat, sniffles and he's losing his voice! I think it's more allergies, but I do think he has a bit of a cold going on too. Today he just lounged around the house, didn't ask to call friends, didn't get all wild like usual, just played video games and watched movies while laying on the couch. He managed to eat some food, but his appetite was exceptionally low which sucks because he needs to eat and gain weight! I have dosed him up with cold/allergy medicine and his melatonin and hope he wakes up a new boy tomorrow so that he can enjoy his last 4 1/2 days as a 4th grader!

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On an up-note I am feeling a bit better so I am able to work again, hubs is 100% better! Big Sis has seen the light and is moving out this week as soon as her son finishes up school! She's moving to Kentucky to live with a friend from high school and should be very happy there! I am glad she has found her self-esteem once again, or at least a small enough piece of it to tell that jerk she was living with that she wasn't taking his crap anymore! I am very proud of her for doing that and I stand behind her 100% as she makes this change in her life.

From Blogger Pictures

It rained on our parade

so to speak anyway...it rained on our field day so the school post-poned it to next  week Thursday instead. I'm thinking I should not write my Thoughtful Thursday post ahead of time again just in case lol I am betting that it's because I was so organized and planning ahead that it decided to rain in the first place! I knew that would happen, seems to be the way it goes with me. I'm such a generally disorganized person, always forgetting vital things at the store making me need to go back, leaving things to the last minute, not thinking about what I have scheduled before scheduling myself for something else, there simply must be chaos or life is not right. I thought maybe I was turning a  new leaf, getting organized for once, planning and thinking ahead...apparently that's not a good plan at all lol


In other news, things have been rough health wise around here. We are all suffering with colds or allergies, can't figure out which and I strongly suspect it's actually a little of both. I have had to cancel work because I couldn't speak, had fevers, sniffles, sore throat, a cough and a general feeling of ickiness! It's starting to get better now for me, getting worse for Orion, hubs is doing a lot better so that's what leads me to believe there's a cold mixed in with all this.

Kitty is doing well after her spay surgery. She's got a pretty purple hood so she won't lick and chew her stitches, she's medicated with a kitty form of morphine, and she's actually pretty funny to watch when she's all loopy like this LOL I'm keeping her in a crate so she stays away from the other animals and doesn't move around too much....can't have her ripping out those stitches! She cries for attention and is happy as long as someone sits next to her crate and pets her head, otherwise she cries. She's eating and drinking great so I'm happy about that and see her recovering quite nicely.

That's about it, one more week of school and then Orion will be a 5th grader! Hopefully he'll be in advanced math next year but he needs to be able to work b y himself and complete his work on time...something that the ADHD makes difficult. I'll know next week Friday what level classes he'll be in and then later on in the summer the school will send home a letter telling us who his teachers will be.  I'll let you know next week where he'll be placed :)

From Blogger Pictures

Thought Thursday...I mean Wednesday lol

I have decided to post Thoughtful Thursday today because tomorrow will be a very busy day for me. First I have to get up bright and early to take the cat into the vets office to get fixed. She's getting rather annoying with her butt in the air, howling at all hours, peeing on things just because she wants to be the neighborhood slut. Yeah we're tired of it so she's getting turned into an it like all the other animals around here. Then after I drop her off I need to go over to the school for the 4th grade field day where I get to help other mothers enjoy teaching the wild 4th graders some fun games and  blasting them with water balloons. Sounds like fun eh? I think so too...but that means I won't be around home to write a post so I'm doing it today instead :)

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So this week, since we have been talking a lot about our planned vacation up to Smuggs in  northern Vermont I have been remembering some really good memories from my childhood that I can't wait (really hope) to share with my boy. Things like seeing thousands of fireflies flickering in the bushes as the evening sets in. I remember being real little and watching the fireflies flicker all around every evening. We would grab our empty mayonnaise  jars, poke holes in the lids with a hammer and nail, and then  go outside. We would grab a handful of grass and put it in the jar for the fireflies to sit on through the night and then catch at least a dozen in our jars for our bedroom light show. We would laugh and chase those things, catch them in our jars and put the lids on tight.  Then we would take them inside where they would flicker in our room as we fell asleep. the next morning we would open the lids and let them all fly away knowing that we would be able to catch more that evening. It was a rare happy memory, something I will cherish and honestly I want to be able to share that with my boy. Maybe we won't have the jars to put them in but we will be up in Vermont, the state I grew up in, and I can tell him about it while we watch them flicker in the bush....at least I hope we see them so that I can do just that.

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Another thing I would like to share with my boy is mountain hiking, not this Blue Hill hiking on this puny hill they call a mountain around here, I'm talking real Mt. Mansfield, take most the day getting to the top so you can look out across New York, Canada, places miles and miles away! I want to share that beauty with my boy. I want to share with him the breath-taking views of my youth and see his eyes light up in wonder as he sees that all for the first time. I want to share with him the exhilaration  that comes with running up a mountain, feeling the fresh (and I do mean fresh) air as it fills your lungs. I want to share that feeling of freedom and smallness that comes from standing on top of a mountain!

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I also wanted to share a small update on Big Sis, I finally came to the conclusion that I was not helping her by simply agreeing with her when it came to the current guy she's with and the life he is giving her. I told her exactly how I feel, that she needs to get away from him because he is no good for her. I told her that she needs to take herself and her mental health into consideration. I hate how he treats her like a bothersome child instead of as a partner and I told her that. She seems to have heard me because she is planning to move out of there as soon as her son finishes up the school year which should be in the next week or so. That's what she says now, but we'll see what happens. I hope she stays on plan and leaves because he makes her so unhappy it makes my heart ache for her. She deserves better!

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OK that's it for this week. Everyone have a great weekend and share some childhood memories with your kids, they'll appreciate it and maybe even see you as kewl. Besides, there's nothing like that warm feeling inside that comes from sharing with your children something that made you happy when you were their age :)

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.......

Here we are on another Thursday, I'm sitting in my living room trying to figure out what to write about today and I can only come up with one thing......

TOAST

Ok, it sounds weird right? I completely agree, but it's kinda funny at the same time. I don't eat a lot of bread,  I have 2 reasons...1) it's not all that great tasting IMO and 2) the egg donor used to bake it in the house and the smell takes me back to a time that was much less happy than it is now. But why am I thinking toast this morning? It's simple really...Orion. See this morning I finally managed to drag the boy out of bed and asked him what he wanted to eat for breakfast, he requested buttered toast. So I popped a few slices of bread into the toaster oven and toasted it for him. As I was putting the butter on the toast for him he requested more, apparently he likes a lot of butter on his toast and immediately I was taken back, back to a time when toast was all we had to eat. It was a morning, much like today, overcast and the sky was white with a dewy haze that you could tell the sun would burn off before long. I stood over the toaster and older sister #2 and Big Sis were sitting at the table right behind me. As I plastered the butter on my toast to camouflage the taste of the bread, they both started laughing at me and Big Sis says "Have a little toast with your butter why don't you" I can still hear her laughter ringing in my head as I just smirked and sat down to eat my toast with butter....or butter with toast lol Apparently my son has acquired my taste for butter too hehe

Butter...there's another thing that's a memory for me....I was a weird kid and I used to like to stick my fingers in the butter and then eat it. I would sprinkle it with sugar and eat it, I would sprinkle it with salt and eat it. I would get a whoopin every time I did it but it was something I just couldn't control. They say your cravings are your body telling you what you need...apparently I drastically needed butter lol Perhaps it was more along the lines of I needed anything that resembled something edible.

Maybe that's what this whole week is coming around to...food. I remember having to go up to the chicken coop to gather the eggs for the day. If I forgot and the hens broke the eggs I got into trouble and got my butt beat for it. I remember having to go down to the Braley Farm to get the milk because he sold it to us for 50 cents a gallon. It was raw milk (straight from the cow and oh so delicious) and for the longest time after going into foster care I couldn't stand the taste of store bought milk. Even now I don't really like it, especially skim milk!  Of course, as you can see, I never died, didn't get horribly sick from it, and the worst that ever happened was I drank the cream off the top (raw milk actually separates in the fridge and you have to shake it to mix it back up or you can pour the cream off and have cream and basically skim milk) The egg donor liked to keep the cream for her coffee and if we drank her cream we got into trouble big time! It was always the dare to win....drink the cream without getting caught! That's one way I am sorry to say I am like the egg donor...I love my cream in my coffee and if you mess with my coffee you're in for an earful! AND that's a way that my boy is like me, he LOVES drinking my half-n-half! Of course that brigs out the difference between me and the egg donor...I willingly give the boy a cup of half-n-half and smile as I watch him enjoy his drink. He smiles up at me with that milk mustache and licks his lips and I know I have made him very happy :) 

And that my friends is what I live for...seeing my boy smiling and happy, really, truly happy and content!

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I hope everyone has a great weekend. Ours will be busy with bowling banquets and having some fun.  I will spend my first weekend of June working on seeing more smiles and hearing more laughter, because that's what being a good parent is all about and that is all I ever dreamed of being...a great mom!

From Blogger Pictures

What a great night

I had so much fun with Orion bowling tonight and the best part was watching him laugh and yell "I haven't had this much fun bowling in a long time Mom!" I'm so glad to have that effect on him! He bowled a little below his average and I bowled a little above mine. We had a lot of fun and that is what truly mattered most! I look forward to bowling with him all summer long and into the fall!

We chose to keep the same team name we have had for years...Double Trouble...it describes us well hehe

From Blogger Pictures

Once again it's my favorite time of year

Tomorrow night begins the summer Adult/Youth bowling league!

Orion and I have bowled together in this league every summer for the past 3 years and I enjoy it more than any other league! I get to hang out with my kid every Wednesday night all summer long, our team name Double Trouble is what we picked in our first year and kept it every year since. So tomorrow evening we will once again bowl with my boy, our special time...it's so special that Orion  has requested that next fall we continue the Adult/Youth league together and bowl as a team year round :) I can't tell you how special that is, I hope it continues for many years to come.

From Blogger Pictures

Happy Memorial Day

This is one holiday that I think is great, it has a real purpose and it hits home personally as my nephew sits in the sandy desert in 120 degree sunshine fighting for our country as we speak. I am so thankful for him and all those soldiers who are fighting in what feels like a useless battle.

Am I the only one who feels this reminds them of back in the 70's when we were fighting in the vietnam war and everyone kept feeling like we really shouldn't be there anymore? I know I was just a kid but I remember tying the yellow ribbon around the old oak tree just to show our support for the soldiers to come home. I didn't fully understand the whole thing back then, but now that I am here and a grown up, I do get it and I wish my son didn't have to see on the news who died recently or what happened overseas. I hate it!


 So anyway, here I am relaxing with my cyber  family, hubs is out fixing the neighbors car, the boy is playing with his girlfriend that he has over while her parents prepare their inground pool for opening :)  It's not raining on Memorial Day...which is a first in a very long time. It seems like every single Memorial Day it rains, so this is a nice change. Plus I get to do all this in my lawnchair outdoors. OK so I'm sneezing, my eyes are burning from the pollen and I really shouldn't be out here, B UT it's so nice out I can't help myself! I've already weeded out the beds, picked the fresh strawberries for the day (we get about a dozen a day) watered the flowers and strawberries and de-flea'ed the cats. One of the cats tried to lick himself and now he's drooling....dingus is silly enough to do that and doesn't learn his lesson. He'll be fine, but he'll be drooling for a day or two.

This week coming up should be a pretty busy one. We have the start of our Adult/Youth bowling league, the State Championship banquet, Orion's 4th grade project is due (he has a lot of work to do still) and we have the Junior League banquet as well.

I'm off of here for now, the kiddos want to go inside and have some lunch and I'm kinda hungry too. I hope everyone has a great Memorial Day holiday:)

From Blogger Pictures

It's the little things in life

Isn't it funny how the little things are what take you back the most? For me it can be something so simple as a certain smell or a sound or even the way someone looks at me. I find myself reflecting more and more these days and here are a few things I have discovered.

1) My hubby is an amazing man and he can surprise me when I least expect it. He's not normally a touchy, feely, kind of guy so when I sat in the basement and cried because the voice in my head (aka the egg donor) was so obnoxiously loud it came as a surprise to me that he practically begged me to tell him what was wrong. I told him it had to do with her, but he insisted on hearing it anyway. So I explained about how the broken dishwasher and the stupid laundry made me hear her in my head, how him giving me a hard time about unfinished laundry was making her louder, and how I would give just about anything to shut her up! He wanted to know more, he wanted to know the details of why she was so loud and why simple tasks such as laundry and dishes effected me so drastically. I found that after telling him the details, she became quieter, I didn't hear her as loudly as before. The next day as I washed dishes she was just a vague whisper in the background and as I put laundry away she was actually silent for once! I didn't hear her there behind me yelling that I wasn't doing it right, it was AMAZING to say the least! I told hubby this and his response was that if he had the power to quiet her then by all means anytime I needed to talk, to get it out, all I needed to do was tell him and he would listen! I think it makes him feel good to have that kind of power over her, it makes me feel good too! I've found something she can't win over, a way to fight her off...I can't believe how easy it was and I wish I had discovered this a long time ago!

2) My son is a very talented boy, he can bring back memories of the funniest things. Just this week he brought back some memories that simply made me laugh, really truly laugh and it made him laugh when I shared them with him as well. See this week in art class they worked on origami and they made swans. Orion made me 3 swans at school, each one better than the one before. The first was orange, but the other two he made with pink paper because he knows how much I like pink. Then he made me a sailboat as well. So today he asked me if I knew how to make anything useful, apparently he's not enjoying making swans lol so I told him all I knew how to make was paper airplanes. We grabbed a couple pieces of paper and I showed him how to make an airplane, he followed my instructions well. Then he made another, and another, and another until he had 6 paper airplanes. he proceeded to fly them across the room over my head, run to where they all landed, and fly them back again. That is what took me back to when I was in 4th grade and this boy named Danny made airplanes at school. He would whiz them around the classroom and I was always amazed with his paper airplane making skills. He would draw the windows and little people sitting there and the pilot with a little hat on and he would fly them all over. Our teacher would of course confiscate the airplanes and put them into the airplane drawer at her desk. The drawer was full of paper airplanes by the end of the year and I would bet money that at least 95% of them were made by Danny. So I shared this with my boy and told him I didn't want to hear about him making paper airplanes in school cause I am betting the teachers nowadays dislike them as much as my 4th grade teacher did 30 years ago! It's just funny how i can still picture Danny perfectly in my minds eye flying airplanes over my head just like my boy did today.

3) As I watch my boy become a small man, I find myself not receiving as many hugs and signs of affection as I used to receive. In general it's an embarrassment to show affection of any kind or to receive it when it comes to the parents.  I am more tolerated than say Dad...if dad attempts to show any affection (even if it's just in front of me) he gets yelled at. I feel lucky to not be there yet! However I have found that those rare moments when my boy hugs me or out of no where says "I love you mom!" it melts my heart and it melts away any bit of stress I was feeling!  I feel lucky to know that I am loved by my child and oddly enough I actually feel a little sorry for the egg donor knowing that she did not hear those words from me and that the last words she ever heard from me were me telling her how angry I was with her for hurting us and how I would never forget and that I did not feel love for her as a normal child should and that she was the reason for that. I have bitter-sweet feelings about those last words...I feel sorry for her that she knew her child was upset with her for never appologizing for hurting us and I kinda feel bad that she had to go to her death knowing that if she had appologized I might have thought about making up with her and forgiving her for her evil ways. But since she never once said she was sorry, she lost that chance. I think that happens with kidnap victims and hostages too...feeling sorry for their captors instead of outright hatred. Maybe I'm just growing up and realizing it's no use to be angry anymore...but I doubt it.

Well it's Friday night and my boy actually wants to cuddle so I think I am going to go do just that because tomorrow he might not want anything to do with me lol

From Blogger Pictures

Summer Vacation Planning part 2

The hubs and I decided to go for it and booked the Smuggs vacation! We'll be going up to Vermont to have some fun! As I picked up Orion today he was asking if we had booked the trip and if we were definitely going because he couldn't think about anything else all day long! He is actually starting to get a little excited at the concept! I was thrilled to hear him warming up to the idea and look forward to watching him enjoy the giant water trampoline in the middle of the 6 acre pond! He wants to do that and the giant swing that dangles 100 feet in the air...looks like lots of fun and I want to do it too!

Of course as usual we already have a small hitch....after hubs booked it they called him back to tell him the bank card wouldn't go through for some reason. They supposedly tried it a bunch of times but it wouldn't take...but we know we have enough money in there because that's where our tax return is sitting! So tomorrow hubs is going to call the bank and see if there is any reason it might not have gone through and then call smuggs back and go from there. Currently they have our names in there and the place is reserved for us so we're happy about that!

I also called the kennel and woohoo we got the last slot for that week so the dog will be well taken care of and we won't have to worry about him at all!

From Blogger Pictures

vacation planning

It's so not an easy task!! We're trying to figure out what to do and I am under the impression that it would be easier to rip out my teeth one by one without any pain killers!

See the hubs wants to do something fun and actually get away for 5 or 6 days, I think the idea is great, however we have this boy who simply does not deal well with the unknown! Last night hubs and I looked online and found Smuggs...as in Smugglers Notch in Vermont. They have what looks like  a great summer vacation set-up...8 heated pools, a 6 acre pond complete with a water trampoline. Each of the 8 heated pools has water slides. There's other activities as well, kids programs, parent programs, things to do as a family and all at around 300 bucks a night. Well this morning I showed Orion the small video on the website thinking it might excite him, that he might think it was something fun to do. Unfortunately about 10 seconds into the video they mention the kids programs and he flips out! He's not going to camp, he's not going to be away from us all day long, he doesn't want to have to be told what to do on his vacation! Of course I tried to explain that he wouldn't have to do the kids programs, that it was just an option that was available, he was too stuck on it to get away from it. I tried to remind him of all the times he had gone snowboarding and wanted to hang out with the other kids at the pool but I wanted to go back to the room and how this could be an opportunity for him to hang out with other kids his age without mom being a drag....not the right answer. I tried to remind him how bored he is every summer and how much he complained last summer about not being able to do anything because we couldn't afford it AND all his friends were away at camp so he had no one to play with...that didn't work either. Nothing I could say or do would deter this boy from the concept that he would be spending his week in misery....who wants to spend a couple thousand dollars for their kid to be completely miserable?? Not me!

I just don't know what to do. I do vaguely recall being a kid and having the same kinds of apprehension, and I recall getting very hostile and angry sounding. I remember being all surly and moody thinking of all the ways things could go bad and not seeing the good at all. I remember thinking the worst of everything, and I thought it was because I was so used to being disappointed that surely nothing good could come to me. I was so wrong...apparently it's something genetic and I don't know how to fix this! I don't know how to turn him around. I don't know exactly what I am doing wrong! I have always tried to encourage him at everything, I have tried to be the positive one but it's so hard! I just don't know what I should do here.

Here's my theory.....since I know that I used to be just like the boy and I can clearly remember my foster parents sending me to 4-H camp and me being determined to hate it...in the end I ended up not even wanting to go home by the end of the week. I think knowing this what I need to do is simply book the vacation, not tell the boy anything other than we are going. We ignore his pouting and fussing and know that in the end he's going to have a great time once he is actually there and sees how much fun  it can be. I am betting if we do this he will end up meeting some boy at the pool or pond that's in one of the kids programs and tell Orion all about it and how much fun it is that he'll want to join in  the next day. I am betting that no matter how determined he is to be miserable, he'll end up having fun just like I did! The problem will be getting Mr. Patience (aka the hubs) to go along with such a plan. I just don't know if he has the patience to ignore the fussing and grumbling long enough to get us up there and have the boy see for himself that it's really a fun thing to do during the summer.

Me personally...I would give just about anything to go back to Vermont and breath the fresh mountain air of my youth! Maybe I could get Big Sis to come up and visit while we're there. I think it would be great to see her again since I haven't actually seen her (other than in photos) in about 20 years. I am sure if we vacationed up there she would make the trip to come see us and it would be nice to chat with her again face to face. Even if she couldn't make it, it would be nice to build some happy memories with the family and have them happen in Vermont.  I'm goi g to have to do a lot of talking, thinking and planning before making the final decisions, but we're gonna have to do it soon since the week hubs has vacation is 4th of July week so it'll probably be more crowded and book up faster than usual.

I gotta get this wild child ready for school...which means getting him off the PS3, so I'm out.

From Blogger Pictures

A poem a day

That's what I'm doing for Big Sis. Every single day I have either found a really nice poem to post on her facebook wall or made one up to post. I have decided that if she is determined to stay with her guy regardless of the battles and arguments they have then the least I can do is ensure she has at least one moment out of every day where she smiles and knows she is loved! I never want her to go a single day without knowing that she is loved by someone! She has already been through enough crap in her life, she surely needs to feel some love. Ad so I have taken it upon myself to post on her wall every day in the hopes that she will smile and know deep down inside that somebody loves her and that she is special! Am I crazy??

From Blogger Pictures

Enjoying my new toy and other thoughts

Spent most of the afternoon yesterday listening to Orion and the twin boys he invited over fighting and arguing something awful! These two boys were the best display of sibling rivalry I've seen since my sister and I were their age lol. At one point they were fist fighting in the backyard, that was the point I decided it was time for them to go home. The only good that came out of that playdate was the moment I heard my son say

"You two are making me wish I never invited you over here! You fight so much that I am never inviting the two of you together again! From now on you can only come over here one at a time!"

I did tell their mother what had happened, although some might say that was wrong, I feel if my son were a rotten little snot I would want their mother to tell me so I will do the same thing. It's that theory of treat others the way you want to be treated. I want to know what my kid does so I will tell others what their kids do too. Besides if my kid behaved like those two boys I would have been horribly embarrassed!

Also, I am truly enjoying my new netbook hubby bought for me. Orion begged me to play on it this morning and I let him for awhile before school. He really wants a laptop of his own...he wanted one before, but now he REALLY wants one!  He wants a big one like dads, but he will probably end up with one like mine. Personally I like this one better than the big one, the only thing that made me wonder if I would like it or not was the fact that there is no cd player in it so I would have to buy an external one if I were to want to download cd's into this thing. Of course that's not really a huge deal, so I'm not too worried about that. I have grown to love it already and am finding reasons to play on it regularly.

From Blogger Pictures

Late mothers Day present

On Sunday mornings I usually work while hubby takes the wild child out to breakfast and then they come home and watch a movie quietly in the living room while I finish up...today was an ordinary Sunday except they didn't get back until I was almost finished up work. When I finished up hubby told me how he had taken the wild child out and bought him new shoes and he even got himself a matching pair (too cute) Then they told me to sit on the couch because they had a surprise for me.

While Orion ensured that I did not peek hubby went out to the kitchen and brought back a small box which he placed in my lap. The box contained a brand new Asus PC netbook! Apparently my recent meltdown got him to thinking that maybe I needed a little something to make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and make it so that I didn't have to be on the desktop computer while posting on FB or here or just checking e-mails.

I have to say, I have a couple of great guys! They are totally awesome!

From Blogger Pictures

Crazy Weekend...

Yesterday Orion had the Prince and Princess Tournament for bowling. The kids compete to see who can get the most points over their average in a total of 3 games. Orion had a rough day to say the least and only took 5th place. His allergies were killing him, his eyes were all red and swollen like he had been crying and his sinus' were all buggy! Poor kid was so mad to only take 5th place...I told him 5th was better than 7th like I took earlier in the week in the King and Queen which was basically the same thing just people my age instead. That made him feel a little better LOL

After coming home from the tournament, Orion asked if he could have a friend over so I gave him the phone and he started calling people up to see if he could find a friend...he ended up with his girlfriend Jesse as usual and she came over for a couple of hours. Her mother was ever so grateful since she had things to do and needed to get Jesse out of her hair for awhile. It worked out great for both of us. Orion and Jesse went out for a bike ride around the school next door and  I got to try to maintain my computer...which is no easy feat these days. For some reason Internet Explorer is being a pain in my hiney! Recently it started loading exceptionally slow and then when I would click a link and have it open in a new window, that new window would be even slower. To top it off, when I finally got frustrated enough to close out that new window, not only would it close that window but it would close all the windows on the page. Then IE (when reopened) would give me some message about unexpectantly closing down and do I want to start on my homepage or where I left off.  I ran virus scans, registry scans, malware and spyware scans, everything I could think of to no avail! I finally gave up and resulted to using Firefox which works like a charm! I am running smoothly and quickly with firefox, but it does take some getting used to....for instance figuring out how to transfer my bookmarks from IE to FF...ok I have blond roots and they sometimes come through screaming loud!

So now that I am up and running, I get to work BUT work is soooooo slow these days it's painful to sit here! I can't stand how slow it is, so I blog, go on facebook, write poems for my Big Sis (a new hobby of mine) and post those poems on facebook for her.  I am also studying hard, hoping that maybe I can finish this easier stuff faster so that I can get down to the hard stuff that will work my brain more. Right now it's all basic office stuff that I pretty much already know....stuff like how to properly format a letter, or how to properly word an e-mail, how to work a multi-line phone system etc. Like I said, basic stuff that I learned back in high school when I was an office aide.  I am breezing through this stuff, but soon it'll be more detailed stuff and medical terminology so I know I have my work cut out for me. If I can build good study habits now with the easy stuff I'll be ready to study the harder stuff. Plus, I'm setting a good example for my boy as he sees me studying when I have a free moment.

Finally...my egg donor has been louder than usual in my head these days. I hear her voice a lot and it's unnerving. I know it's partly due to the fact that my prescription for my PMDD meds is running out and I need a refill, and partly because the dishwasher hasn't been replaced and hubby wants me doing laundry everyday instead of once a week. Last night I had a meltdown, broke into tears and bawled like a little baby. Hubby was upset the laundry hadn't been put away, and I was struggling with her in my head after doing dishes so I hadn't gotten to putting it away. Hubby generally doesn't like to hear about my past, he usually just says something along the lines of "It's over, that's in the past. This is your here and now so just get over it" He believes that talking about it makes it stay, he doesn't understand how talking helps the healing process. I broke down, told him why I was struggling so much, explained how I literally hear her in my head screaming at me and how it's been worse since the dishwasher broke and I just can't deal with it right now. I want to throw all the dishes out and order takeout every night just so I don't have to hear her in my head, I want disposable clothing so I don't have to listen to her anymore. I want to go pay a hypnotist to take her out of my head LITERALLY! I just want her to stop but I can't seem to make her stop and the harder time he gives me about not getting that laundry put away the louder she becomes and it's killing me. It's making me feel mentally unstable and emotionally drained! He decided it would be better for me to just do laundry once a week until the dishwasher  can be replaced and I can get my prescription filled. I feel like such a loser letting her win, but I don't know how to fight a ghost!

From Blogger Pictures