Photo Friday

I thought the title sounded good...Photo Friday...I know I haven't done it before and knowing me it might take awhile for me to ever do it again BUT for this week, this will be my Friday post...it'll be about a photo.

This isn't just any photo, it's a photo I took with my camera just yesterday

I love that photo, my boy has what I believe are the most amazing eyes in the world! Since I love the photo so much I decided to try to play with it a little, I used to do this a lot and even did a few digital enhancements for money before, but since I never really liked to put make-up on kids I didn't do well in the business. I was completely self-tought and so I don't know the software as well as the professionals and I don't know how to take a ho-hum photo and turn it into something amazing...what I can do is touch the good photos up a little...brighten the right areas, fix minor flaws like little bits of food or a fly away piece of hair. And I can turn it b&w which is something I just love. I love the look of a b&w photo. So I used my corel paint shop pro and did this

It's not a huge difference I know, but it's a change. I made the color deeper, brought out his eyes more. I like this, it's still natural but a little better than the raw camera can do. Then I did this

Voila..a gorgeous b&w photo! I think I'll probably go down to CVS ad have these printed out for me, I'll probably get copies for my mother in law since I know she would love to have one as well.

Well that's my photo and this is Friday so I guess this post is done lol I hope you enjoyed looking at my handsome boy!

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday Wednesday

I know it's not Thursday yet, it will be tomorrow and I will probably still write  a Thoughtful Thursday post tomorrow, but today I need to get more off my chest so that I can bowl in my competition tonight free of this dead weight.

See I have been talking with Big Sis a lot lately...my number of texts sent and received has quadrupled this month, not to mention the hours spent on the phone talking to her, laughing with her, and remembering with her. She has been such a wonderful help in putting all these thoughts into place and I feel my emotional health has improved drastically since talking to her on a daily hourly basis...ok so we have a texting habit but it never interferes with either of our jobs so it's not that big of a deal IMO.

Anyway, back to the reason for my post today...recently we have been talking about when the egg donor was  in her last days. Big Sis was there as she lay on her death bed, even though she really didn't want to be. Her oldest daughter told her she should go visit just so that she would have made her peace. Her next to oldest daughter told her to go for a different reason...this girl is one smart cookie! She told Big Sis to go visit for one reason only...to see if she was truly a decent human being and would realize what a rotten human being she really was. If she was not a selfish scumbag she would lay on her deathbed and apologize for her evil ways. She would recognize how wrong she was to treat her children the way she did, apologize for beating us daily and beg for forgiveness.....this is why Big Sis went, just to see if she would apologize. If she did and if she begged for forgiveness then she would know that the egg donor was not evil to the core and that maybe there was some good deep down inside. What she found was the egg donor talking like Big Sis was her favorite daughter, going on and on about how wonderful big brother #3 was and then telling Big Sis she needed to go mow her lawn so that when she died her house would be presentable to be cleaned out and sold. There was no apologizing, there was no recognition of the daily beatings, nothing at all!! Big Sis walked away knowing that we truly have an evil egg donor and it was really painful for her to realize that. Sadly, I felt nothing at hearing about her last days. I felt absolutely nothing! I knew deep down that she had a demented view of herself and our life. Perhaps when she went into her rages she didn't know who she was or what she was doing, perhaps she had some kind of mental illness that caused her to not know reality...or perhaps I just want to believe that because she was my egg donor and I have a small piece of her inside me whether or not I like it! If she was evil to the core, if her heart was black all the way through, then that means I have evil genes...something I just don't want to admit.  I'm a good person, at least I like to think I am. I try to be nice to everyone, smile at the right times, be pleasant and helpful. I never hit my child, I teach him right from wrong without violence. I aim to please my husband and those around me because it makes me happy to see those I love happy. But is there an evil gene sitting there dormant waiting to rise to the surface? Have I maybe passed that evil gene on to my son? I pray to whatever god might be out there that the answer is NO!

The thing that amazes me most is my lack of shock or surprise or even hurt feelings when I heard how the egg donor lay there acting like nothing bad ever happened in our family. Big Sis said it was weird because she talked like we were the freaking Brady Bunch or something. As Big Sis sat there all she wanted to ask was "if you loved us so much why did you beat us every single day?" but instead she puked on the floor (yes I did LOL when I heard that) and walked out of the room. She never saw our egg donor again. I felt horrible for Big Sis, she and I have always been so close and I wish I could have been there because I would not have let that old bag get away with that! I would have tore her a new one verbally! I am still full of anger and resentment and it would have been nice to vent that. Thus my Thoughtful Thursday posts...this is my vent, my ability to say the things I never could say before.

My final words will be a letter to the egg donor, words she'll never read but I should have said!

Dear Evil Egg Donor,

I sit here today as a grown woman, someone I feel has survived amazing feats and if I  were my daughter I would be so proud of me! I am a mother, I am a sister, I am a loyal wife, but most of all I am NOTHING like you!

I still remember the day you tried to kill my sister, holding the pillow over her face screaming at her that she was an evil devil spawn, I remember you holding that same pillow over my face screaming that I never should have been born! Because you did that, I can't have anything over my face EVER! I panic and feel my heart beat 100mph, I feel my breath stop in my throat and I cry out with soundless screams...just like I did that day you tried to kill me! Even a single layer sheet that I can practically see through throws me into a full panic attack! I also remember how you threw me into that closet and locked the door as a form of punishment, or how you made me go get the leather belt, metal yardstick or grampy's leather glove just so you could beat me with them. I remember so much terror and fear when I should remember nothing but love, laughter and fun when I think of my childhood days.

You hurt me beyond belief, you hurt us all so badly that the state had to come take us away from you. they had to pick us up at school because my big sister feared what you would do to us if the social worker showed up on your doorstep to take us when you were there. You probably would have locked the doors and killed us all rather than let someone let your dirty little secret out. That's one thing that makes me smile you know...the thought of you realizing that your children had been taken away from you and wouldn't be coming back. Oh I hope your heart ached, I hope for once you felt fear like I felt! I relish the thought of your suffering...I'm sure you were more worried about what we would tell them than you were about us in general. You claimed to have loved us, but honestly if that is love boy I would hate to see your expression of hatred!  I hope you spent your last few moments here on earth suffering and in pain, I hope your death was horrible and caused you 7 lifetimes of agony....in exchange for the 7 children you hurt every single day! Yes we still suffer deeply because of what you did!

I know that some of my siblings have turned to religion and claim that god has set them free from their pain and that they forgive you...I call that denial. If there truly was a god that could have removed that pain and suffering then he would have done it a hell of a lot sooner because I recall begging and pleading in prayer asking him to save us from that nightmare we were in. Instead of being released I just got another beating. So religion is not the answer for me because I find it hard to believe any merciful god would allow an evil person like you to have children in the first place! If he knows all and sees all then he knew, he saw and he did nothing! My therapy, my way of moving on is bonding with my big sister, being a better mother than you could ever dream of being. Basically when I don't know what to do, I just ask myself "what would the egg donor do?" then I do the opposite....so if anything gives you comfort let it be the fact that at least you taught me what NOT to do!

I will close with this....I will forever be bitter and resentful for the life you stole from me. The childhood I had was nothing better than a living nightmare. I hope you know that it was you who made me this way! I sit here as a woman who has succeeded in life and you had nothing to do with it! You don't even get the right to be titled mother because you were no mother, you were just the egg donor!

Sincerely,

Me

~~~~~~~~~~
Ok, now I feel like I can go bowl in my competition tonight and not have that dead weight sitting in the pit of my stomach. I was having a hard time only because I never got to say things and when Big Sis was telling me how she had watched the egg donor on her death bed not even caring to apologize I began to wish I had said something, wished that I had been there to let her know how I felt because honestly it would have felt good to tell her how horrible I feel she was for not recognizing what she did was wrong. Even if she couldn't help it, even if she had anger issues, she didn't have to take it out on us and she could have apologized and begged for forgiveness. If she had admitted she was wrong I might have felt something other than resentment and anger, I might have found the ability to feel at least pity....now I know there is no room for that because she doesn't deserve it!

From Blogger Pictures

What's going on........

This is our 2 busiest months in our house, our regular bowling leagues wrap up for the season and all the tournaments happen in these 2 months along with the banquets for the bowling. I had my league banquet today, Orion already bowled in the State Championship, taking 1st place teams, 2nd place doubles and 3rd place for singles. We have to go to the banquet for that in a couple of weeks so he can get his trophies. I qualified for the King and Queen tournament which will happen on Wednesday night, Orion qualified for the Prince and Princess Tournament that will happen on Saturday. We also have the banquet for his regular league coming up right after the banquet for state championships and right after that he is trying out for the Bay State Games tournament....if he qualifies he'll have to compete in the finals the week after qualifying rounds.   In the middle of all that school will end, we'll start our Adult/Youth summer league and compete together on a weekly basis all summer long. Orion has also decided that next fall he wants to bowl with me in an Adult/Youth league rather than bowl in the regular junior kids league so that might make next year a little less because I won't need to attend 2 separate end of league parties like I have had to in years past. Honestly, I look forward to having one less thing to do :)

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.....

The Laundry Monster

As I mentioned in my last post, I will explain why I hate laundry so much

This is a photo of an old fashioned washing machine, you fill the bucket with water, wash the clothes, and use that wringer part to piece by piece wring out the clothing. After the clothing is washed and wrung out you have to hang it up somewhere to dry...here is my story:

When I was a little girl we used a washing machine just like that one pictured above. It pretty much matched it EXACTLY except ours was green. Once a month ( because that's all the egg donor allowed for water usage) Big Sis and I had to do the laundry for everyone in the house. We had to go to each room, gather all the dirty clothes, bring it to the bathroom, sort it and wash it. We had to do the whites first because if we did the darks first they would get the water too dark and grimy and it would stain the whites....we were only allowed 1 filling of water to wash all the clothing in the house! So we would separate, Big Sis and I trying to make it fun by laughing at the egg donors big grannie panties and all our big brothers boy undies. Big Sis worked extra hard to make it fun for both of us and I appreciated that greatly.

One winter day, I was pulling a pair of jeans out of the grimy, nasty, cold water to wring out. The wringer had already been plugged in and we had wrung out some clothes already that Big Sis was preparing to take outside to hang on the clothesline. I found the last pair of jeans and pulled them out and went to feed them into the wringer when  screams rent through the air...it was not Big Sis, it was the evil egg donor. I had neglected to fold the jeans in half before feeding them into the wringer, apparently this was not correct. The egg donor grabbed my hand and as she yelled at me why the wringer needs flat items to go through it she pulled my hand to the wringer. Her words echo in my mind still "See it can't wring out big bulky things, it needs flat things! See how your hand won't go through as a fist? now flatten those fingers or I'll flatten them for you!" I had tried to fight her, tried to not have my hand fed to the wringer, I knew it would hurt me but I also knew if I did not flatten my hand she was going to break every last bone in that hand and feed it to the wringer and so I flattened my hand, tried not to cry as she pushed my fingers against the spinning wheels and my hand was sucked into the wringer all the way to my shoulder. I was screaming in pain when Big Sis pulled the plug to shut it off. She got a beating for interfering but she had probably saved my life so she still says it was worth it. Luckily the wringer could open up and I could get my arm out without having to go through it backwards, but I ended up at the doctors clinic with the egg donor telling him that I had been curious and that it was all an accident. She swore she wasn't in the room when it happened, pulled out her crocodile tears like she was worried about me and he actually believed her! I had a couple broken fingers and a dislocated elbow, skin torn up my underarm and bruising. I was also beaten because my stupidity caused her to have to spend money taking me to the doctor and embarrassment having to explain to that doctor what a stupid little girl she had. Big Sis and I STILL had to take the clothes outside to hang on the line, in the freezing cold. Our fingers were numb with cold (which was actually a good thing for me)  and as we warmed up inside afterward Big Sis held me and let me cry. She would stroke my hair and tell me it was going to be ok, that we were strong and we would survive. She always promised our survival and those are the words I clung to day and night!

So that is why I hate laundry...do you think I have a good enough reason??

~~~~~~~~~~

Enjoy your weekend and remember love your children like you wished you were loved when you were their age!

From Blogger Pictures

I found something I hate more than laundry

Dishes by hand!!

My dishwasher broke recently, Mothers Day morning I awoke to find the dishes I had put into the dishwasher to be just as dirty as when they went in....and the cycle had already run! Of course it's not so easy to just shell out $700 or $800 bucks at the drop of a hat, so it'll be a couple weeks before a new dishwasher can be acquired...meaning mom has to wash dishes by hand!

For any normal, everyday kind of person this would just be a mere inconvenience....for me it's cause for flashbacks and nightmares. As I stand over the white metal sink washing and rinsing dishes I am suddenly taken back to that dark place where I am once again in the presence of evil. Once again I hear her voice breaking through the years screaming at me because that fork is not shining enough, I missed a spot on that spatula, I left a drop of water on the flat surface and now it'll leave a watermark and cause an ugly mark to sit there. I hear her throwing the dishes back into the sink screaming how I hadn't done it right and i need to stand there and do it over until I do get it right. Every fork must shine, every spoon must give a reflection upside down, every knife must be free of watermarks when they are put away. Every bowl must be squeaky clean, every plate must glow, every pot must be perfect once it comes out. I hear her voice screaming through the years and I freeze. I can't breath, I feel my heart beating in fear and suddenly I am in a very dark place that I must escape, I step away from the sink back into my reality and cry silent tears. It's not fair that she has this hold on me still, after all these years, but life isn't fair and she holds me tightly. I remember standing in the bucket of ice water because I had to go to the bathroom but the dishes weren't done the way she wanted so I had to stay and do them again....I had to pee into the bucket because I couldn't hold it any longer. I stood in a bucket of ice water mixed with my own urine until she gave me the ok to leave and wash the bucket I was made to stand in. My feet would go numb because she would add extra ice because she thought it would make me move faster...only it made me go slower and it was painful and my feet hurt just remembering it.

And so I found the one task I hate more than laundry...I think Thursday I'll explain why I hate laundry so much but today I just had to get this off my chest. Tomorrow I will go out and buy paper plates and cups, disposable silverware. Dear sweet hubby suggested it so I don't have the panic attacks. I'll still have to wash the pots and pans if I don't cook on the grill, but something tells me the next few weeks come rain or shine I'll be cooking on the grill just to avoid the task until hubby can buy me a new dishwasher! I know I am pathetic, I know I have to face my fears, I know the past is haunting me more than it should BUT I just can't do it right now. I feel too weak, I don't feel strong enough to take this on. I have spent the past few days trying to overcome and I simply can not...for some reason it's just too much.

From Blogger Pictures

Unsure

I just don't know what to do!

Big Sis is in a relationship with a guy she loves, he's a lot older than her and has made it very clear that he will never get married again. She lives with him in his house, helps pay the bills and she does have  her youngest boy living with them but he is not the boyfriends son. Anyway, this guy treats her like crap, she tells me how he yells at her all the time for not doing things the way he wants them done, for not raising her son the way he thinks he should be raised and he often degrades her in front of his friends telling her how her opinions don't matter. She tells me he does not hit her, her never gets physical, but he is verbally harsh and cold. Personally I think emotional abuse is just as bad, if not worse, than physical abuse. I feel the emotional scars run deeper and are harder to heal from. She says she loves him and wants to make it work. Her children all tell her to leave him and she looks to me for support in her decision to stay with this man simply because she loves him and says he makes her happy (although I don't really see it)

So what do I do? Do I continue to be quiet and not say anything and just support her or do I tell her how I really feel. I worry about her because she tells me that the only way she gets on the internet for things like facebook is on her cell phone and he goes through her things when she's at work or not at home. She has had a couple of posts deleted off her facebook page without her knowing how and people "un-friended" without her knowing why.  He reads her texts over her shoulder and I feel I can't really say much without getting her in trouble. She often can't talk on the phone because she is with him, he drives an oil truck and if she isn't working her regular job apparently he makes her go with him in the truck to deliver oil and she feels she can't say no. Often I text her and her only reply is "can't talk now but I love you" I just don't know what to do. 

From Blogger Pictures

Mothers Day

Took that photo on my phone tonight just before putting my boy to bed. He's growing up so fast but I am so proud to be able to say he is mine! He has made me a mother, he has made me a successful mother, he has made me so much more than my egg donor ever was!

From Blogger Pictures

Going back to school

Right now I'm a work at home mom, I answer calls and process orders over  the phone. It used to be a great job, I used to make a fair wage working it, but over the past 1 to 2 years I have watched this profession go downhill. 2 years ago I was making over $1000 a month so I was very helpful in paying the bills and making the fun money for us to go on vacations or go to water parks on summer weekends. We were doing fairly well with this plan and so I continued doing it. Last year I dropped down bigtime and made 1/2 that, this year so far it's looking even worse. It's not so much that I'm putting in less hours, it's more that people aren't calling the number to order, they are instead turning to the internet to place their orders. I feel this is a dying profession and if I am to make any kind of living I really need a new job.
BUT I haven't been an employee in 10 years and even though I have worked from home the past 5 I am not highly desired in the workforce because of that simple fact.

As I was pondering these thoughts the other day while texting with a friend of mine, she mentioned that she was supposed to be studying and not goofing off. I asked her what she was studying and she explained it was a Medical Administrative Assistant course she was taking online. I talked to her about it and she explained that she was doing this online through Penn Foster and that I should look into it as well. They offer no interest payment plans so she could afford to do this on unemployment. I looked into it and it really seemed like a good plan and so after discussing it with hubby I paid the $400 to enroll and I am now officially a student taking a certification course to learn how to be a medical administrative assistant too. Basically I'll learn how to be a medical secretary but that's ok, I will be able to make more money than I am now in another years time. Yes, I will most likely have to get a job working outside the home once I finish the course, BUT I'll be making more money and Orion will be old enough that he'll be able to better deal with the changes and I'll feel better about putting him in camps and such during the summers and school vacation weeks.

Wish me luck :)

From Blogger Pictures

19 years.......

May 3rd 1991 my life changed, I just didn't know it at the time how much exactly it was changing! I woke up like any other day wondering and worrying about what was going to happen in my near future.  I was living in my college dorm at the time, no other place to live and summer was rapidly approaching. The school was not going to allow me to stay in the dorm over the summer and I was debating trying to stay and just sneaking in and out all summer long. I could climb in and out the window all summer long and just stay there since I had no where else to go. Having spent the previous 9 years in the foster care system, a blow out with my siblings for writing a paper on our abuse, and no other relatives or friends to speak of, I was in deep doo-doo! I had also just found a lump in my right breast and was due to go into surgery in 3 days time to see what it was and have it removed. My world was pretty bleak to say the least...the only thing I had going for me was my job as the night manager down at the local KFC where I was making a fair wage. Oh, did I mention that I had just been notified by my scholarship committee that I was losing my full 4 year scholarship because of the fact that I did not get the required grades dispite the fact that I had spent 12 weeks recovering from a ruptured appendix and emergency surgery??? Yeah life was pretty glum!

So when one of my regular customers came in and invited me to his place for a party at his place and asking if I could bring some left over chicken I was all for it. I deserved a night of forgetting my troubles and getting out. I had just had a bad break up about 6 months prior and it was time to get myself back out there. It turned out there was no party, it was just this one guy there, and I think he was trying to hook me up with his room mate. I was cool with that, he really wasn't my type anyway. Shortly after 6pm this man walked through the apartment door. He was NOT the man of my dreams by any means. He was not tall dark and handsome like I always thought I would marry, he was instead short, quirky and cute but he was rocking that leather jacket something fierce! It was zipped just half way and he had nothing on under it, just his chest muscles showing....it was man cleavage like you dream about...not flabby at all, just raw ripped muscles...YUM! I couldn't take my eyes off of him as I watched him stand there talking to him room mate like I wasn't even in the room, then he glanced over like I was some wierdo (and  must have looked like one staring at him like that) and he simply said "Hi" That was it, I was gone! He was mine, I knew it, he was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with! I never believed in love at first sight until May 3rd 1991 when I laid eyes upon my man!

Three days later he drove me to my doctors office to have outpatient surgery on my breast, he drove me home again and helped me settle in and sleep. He had known me 3 days yet he was doing this for me...what a great guy! 2 weeks later, as we sat in his red toyota pick-up truc where  he very nervously told me he thought he was falling in love with me. One month from the day we met we moved into our very own apartment..June 3rd, 1991!

5 years later, on May 3rd 1996 we exchanged vows formally and officially became husband and wife. At the time we were already devoted to each other and we knew beyond any shadow of a doubt that we would be together forever, it took us awhile to save up the money to pay for the wedding (and it took him awhile to draw up the nerve to actually buy a ring and make that final commitment) To this day we concider our true anniversary to be the day we met, not the day we married because we knew, even then, that it was meant to be and that we would be a couple for the rest of our lives!

From Blogger Pictures

Am I a cold hearted bitch? You decide...

A couple years ago I received a phone call telling me that the egg donor was dead. She left me nothing, never appologized for her evil ways and honestly I felt she should have. I remember sitting in court meetings and DSS reviews listening to her swear up and down that she never laid a finger on us, that she would never hurt us. She would sit there and say that she never harmed a hair on our heads, she never even raised her voice....I wonder what planet she lived on because it's not the same one I was on that's for sure! I still feel no form of sadness when I think of her being dead, I feel nothing but relief and a sick sense of satisfaction thinking about her burning in hell getting whipped by the demons with metal yardsticks, leather belts and horse whips. That's what she did to me so I feel it's only justice that she would spend eternity being treated the way she treated her own flesh and blood. Just yesterday, as I was discussing this with Big Sis, her boyfriend said that she and I are cold hearted (he didn't call us bitches but cold hearted bitch is what he was implying) He feels we should feel a small sense of remorse, we should feel some kind of sadness, we should feel something other than the desire to sing like the munchkins in the Wizard Of Oz


Ding Dong! The Witch is dead. Which old Witch? The Wicked Witch!
Ding Dong! The Wicked Witch is dead.
Wake up - sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed.
Wake up, the Wicked Witch is dead. She's gone where the goblins go,
Below - below - below. Yo-ho, let's open up and sing and ring the bells out.
Ding Dong' the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low.
Let them know
The Wicked Witch is dead!

Now if I look at this from an outsider point of view, I guess I can see how that seems cold hearted but once you realize the way she treated us, the stuff we had to endure at her hand I can see our point of view quite clearly. Does this mean I will go to hell too? Does this really make me a cold hearted bitch? As I told Big Sis' boyfriend yesterday...if I'm cold hearted then that's the one time you can say "like mother like daughter" and it fits perfectly. She was a cold hearted evil woman, so if I'm cold hearted then I guess there's one part of me that learned something from her afterall!

From Blogger Pictures

Today was day 1

For the Massachusetts Youth Bowling Championship competition. Orion bowled in the singles division today, next week Saturday he will bowl in the Doubles and Teams divisions. As of today he is in 3rd place for the singles division for boys 10 and under, BUT there are still 2 boys in his division who need to bowl so anything can happen there. He was a bit upset about the fact that he didn't get the top score like last year, but this is a good time for him to learn that you can't win every single time and no matter what he actually bowled better than last year. He was more consistant this year, bowling above his usual average and pretty close to the same score every single game. He bowled a total of 5 games with a total of 407 points.

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.....

Isn't it amazing how time flies? Seems like it was just yesterday when I was complaining about being sick and not wanting to write a Thoughtful Thursday post and now here we are, one week later. I feel a whole world better, let me tell ya it's great to be able to breath again! The allergies are tough, but they are nothing compared to bronchitis!

So onward with my thoughts for this week :)

This week I have been doing a lot of thinking about sports and other childhood group activities how my egg donor would react if I asked to join anything. I wanted to be a Brownie, she said NO WAY! I wanted to play soccer or basketball, she said NO WAY! I wanted to do something, anything, that wasn't at home but I always received a solid no every time I asked about anything or brought home a letter from school telling her about it. She had her usual lame excuses...no money, no time, I needed to be learning new songs not off playing like some ordinary kid. One of her favs was that I didn't need to join anything because I had all my brothers and sisters to play with. But still I longed to join the group, be a part of something, do something that would make me feel special. Some days, afterschool, I would follow the brownie troop across the field and try to join in. Occasionally my friend Carrie would invite me to join them and the leader would reluctantly agree, but she knew I wasn't a brownie member and so I didn't get to join in on their activities very often. I would just sit nearby listening to the leader talk or watch them work and imagine I was  apart of their little circle. In the end I always walked home sad and alone and definitely not a part of anything. It saddened me deeply to be a nobody, it still makes my heart ache when I think about that sad little girl I used to be. I look at her almost like she's a stranger some days and I so long to reach out and hold her, give her something she never had...but alas I can not because she is me and I am all grown up.

So what got me to thinking about all this??? It's simple, Orion is going to compete, once again, in the Massachusetts Youth State Championship for candlepin bowling. I spend so many hours at that bowling alley with him, encouraging him, and watching him, he simply amazes me! He has the highest average for boys under the age of 10 in our bowling alley. He was top pick to bowl in the competition. He will compete in the individual tournament this Saturday and then next Saturday will be the Doubles and Teams tournaments. Last year he won 1st place Teams, 1st place Individuals, 2nd place Doubles, Highest score for a single game AND Highest score of all games combined! He did AWESOME! I was so proud of him and this year we're right back in the same scenario and although he's nervous about having to hold his title, he's also very excited because he just seems to be a natural! This kid started bowling when he was 5 years old, after his first time he begged to go back. I put him on a league and he simply excelled! He seems to be a natural and when he's in his groove....WATCH OUT cause he will kick your butt! This isn't just Mama talking either lol He really is pretty awesome for a kid that is only 9 years old.

Anyway, if I had asked my mother to take me bowling when I was his age she would have said no instantly. She certainly wouldn't have let me join a league and wouldn't have spent at least 1 or 2 days a week down there watching me bowl. She wouldn't have made sure I made it there every single week just to be sure I get a perfect attendance award and if there was a scheduling conflict taken me down earlier so I could bowl off early and still get my perfect attendance award. Nope, she would have just told me to stay home and roll a ball at some old tin cans and play with my brothers and sisters and learn new songs. But on the other side of the picture, she has no clue what she was missing out on! She missed out on the pride I feel as a parent when I see my son excelling at something he truly enjoys doing. She missed out on the bonding experience of comforting her child when she failed to get the score she wanted and then the celebration when it was reached. She missed out on a lot, because I am sure I could have been good at something if only she gave me the chance to try. I love that I am able to give Orion his chance and I enjoy encouraging  him and reminding him how amazing he is to me. I love to watch how my words can change his whole attitude, like when he feels he just can't get it right and I look him in the eyes and say "I believe in you" and suddenly he can do it, he can get that score he was hoping for, all because I made sure he knew that I believe in him and I know he can do it!  That's what a good parent does.....that's not what mine did at all!

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, I do everything the opposite of her,  I ask myself "what would the egg donor do in this situation?" I find the answer and do the opposite because then I know I can't go wrong and Orion will be a better person than I am today and me, I will have succeeded where the egg donor failed!

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Well, there ya have it, my thoughts for this Thursday. Finally, let me say this....enjoy your kids and make sure they know you believe in them. Do everything you can to never be referred to as "the egg donor"

From Blogger Pictures

Proud Mama post

Orion has been on spring vacation this past week  and I have been recovering from bronchitis. As I mentioned in an earlier post, Orion did get to go to the zoo with his girlfriend.

Well what I didn't know was that yesterday was her birthday. Orion came home from spending Friday and Saturday with his grandparents asking if I could take him out to target so he could get her a birthday present. I took him out today, he emptied his bank here at home, money he had been saving to buy himself video games, so he could buy her the newest Pokemon game that comes with the Pokewalker. He spent every single penny he had on this girl even though she didn't have a party or mentioning  anything about her birthday. The best part was as we were driving back from Target with her present in his lap he says to me:

"I know it seems crazy to spend this much on someone when they haven't even invited me to a party or anything but it just feels so good to give her something that I know she will really like. It just feels really good inside to know I am making her happy."

What a wonderful boy I have raised, I couldn't be prouder!

From Blogger Pictures

Feeling so much better and other rambling thoughts

I am feeling so much better today thanks to a wonderful mother-in-law and hubby :)

My Mother-in-law called me up on Thursday afternoon asking if I could bring Orion over the next morning bright and early and she would keep him overnight and bring him home sometime late Saturday afternoon / early evening....now who can argue with that??? I certianly didn't! Even though I still felt pretty yucky I drove to her house (amazingly there was no traffic for the ride so we got there in about 1/2 hour) and I dropped him off around 9am. I was back home and in bed by 10am. I slept most of the day, got up, took a shower, cleaned up a little before hubby got home and cooked an easy dinner. After dinner hubby and I watched a movie and he took care of the dog so I could go to bed early. The cough medicine makes me very fuzzy headed and sleepy, and that's how I managed to sleep so much. I woke up this morning feeling almost like a new woman! I still have the allergy sniffles...the report on the tv said on a scale of 1 to 10 the allergen count was an 11 and that's probably why I have been suffering so drastically! Between the cold that hubby brought home from work  (which turned into bronchitis) and the allergies it's amazing I'm not using the inhaler more often than I already am. Apparently the rain brought out a lot of pollen at once...gee lucky me! So basically with all the sleep I have had the past couple days I am feeling a lot better and am ready to start back at work and make some money!

Money.....it's the number one divorce creator and our biggest struggle in our house. Lucky for me we have already seen the worst money troubles you could imagine and we survived it so I really don't foresee any marital problems in our future!  I hate money simply because it's so needed and such a stressor on relationships, but I love money because it gets me the things I want. I am sure most people have this same love/hate relationship with money that I do and they probably think it sucks just like me too. Personally I wish we could all live in the Star Trek kind of world where we just tell the computer what we want and we instantly have it right there exactly as we desire.  Unfortunately for me, we don't live in that kind of world and I have to live on a budget. Also lucky for me I have a hubby who makes a fair wage and can support us so that I can make my teeny tiny check that basically pays for the fun stuff in our lives. For instance....I will be working all summer to buy us all snowboarding passes for next season. The adult passes went up by $10 each, the kids pass went up by $30. I'll need to save enough to buy all three of us passes, buy me a new coat and buy Orion a few new things he'll need like new mitts and new boots since I am sure the ones he wore this past season will not fit him next winter.  I know I can do it, but summer is my slow season and I can't work quite as late because I do have to pay attention to Orion during the day.....except when I send him to camp.

Camp......a mothers best friend right?? In my case it's a cause for stress and worry, I tend to be on the over-protective side and I worry so much about anything bad happening to him. He is my one and only, literally, I can't have anymore children so he is my one chance to prove that an abused child does NOT have to abuse. He's also my only child in general, not just my only chance to prove a point, and I would simply lose my mind should anything happen to him. I know all too well about bad people in this world, and I know I would never be able to forgive myself if I put him in the hands of some sicko camp counselor who hurt him in some way or even if it was another camper. Trust me, it'll be awhile before he goes off to an overnight camp...I'm so not ready for that concept! This summer will be his frst summer of camp, he's actually going to the one that my mother-in-law is in charge of. She hires all the workers so I feel I can trust her judgement here....besides since she's in charge Orion gets to go for free and that saves me a BUNDLE of cash!  I am sure he will have a great time and enjoy his daytime away from home hanging out with other kids his own age. I'll drop him off in the morning and pick him up in the afternoon. He's only scheduled for a few of the summer weeks, afterall I don't want to completely get rid of him and I do so love taking him to the beach or to the playground  or even just playing out in the backyard together. He's really a fun kid in general and I want to enjoy these moments that I get with him. BUT that means less working hours and less money for me. I do love the flexibility that comes with  my work, but it's hard to make good money this way.

Which brings us back to the money....see it always comes back to the money! Don't get me wrong, I do help pay some of the household bills too. I pay for the internet, cable, phone and cell phones. I often pay for the animals to get their monthly flea/tick treatments and annual shots as well. I pay for the little things and the fun stuff, hubby pays the bigger bills like electric, gas and the mortgage and of course anything medical and anything else we should need....clothing, food, spending money in general. He's a pretty good guy about it too :) I feel pretty darn lucky to still have him in my life! Like I said before, we hit a really rough patch in the money world and it almost tore us apart. We constantly fought over money, how to spend it, where it was going, etc. It was the worst year of my life..honestly it really was! I had survived my egg donor beating me daily, my sperm donor molesting me, my evil brother molesting me and 7 homes in the foster care system. None of that would have been anything compared to losing my husband and child over money, it truly was the worst year of my life! Lucky for me, we pulled through. I think hubby might have survived a break-up, even Orion would have survived, but I don't think I would have. It was a nightmare existance! Over the past 2 years our world has changed and we have grown closer, we have struggled through and even though at times hubby still gets tight about the money it's ok, we can handle it. I have full confidence that we will make it through any fight now, because we made it through that one year of hell! It's been 2 years since and we are strong now because of it. In just over a week we will celebrate 19 years together....19 years is a long time! We've had our ups and downs but I still find myself looking forward to the next 19 years with this same man!

From Blogger Pictures

Bronchitis once again....

I haven't posted all week because I have been fighting bronchitis once again! I get every year, usually for my birthday in February, but this year it waited for some odd reason for my sons spring vacation! The poor kid has had to suffer with a mom who is not feeling well, coughing and struggling to breath! He feels like he didn't get to have a lot of fun on this vacation because of it...the reality of it is that he did get a couple of good days before I got too sick. On Monday morning his girlfriend called him and asked him to come to the zoo with her, then he begged and pleaded with me to come along so that he could hang with his girl and her mom would have someone to talk to lol I went along and we had a good time looking at all the animals and the kids seem to have fun running around together. Then on Tuesday his friend Felix called and asked if he could come over to play for a bit, I had no voice (laryngitis) so I told Orion it would be okay but I didn't want to be yelling at kids all day so only for an hour or so. Felix and him played so well together that he ended up staying for 3 hours and I didn't have to say a single word to them except to ask what they wanted for a snack :)

Yesterday was probably one of the worst days, I got my voice back but the cough was so bad my chest was burning! I ran out of my rescue inhaler so I opted to call the doctor and make sure this wasn't bacterial bronchitis...it isn't, it's definately viral so no antibiotics but I did get a refill on my inhaler and some good cough medicine with codeinne so that I can sleep. Poor Orion had to do the running around with me going to the doctors and pharmacy to pick up the meds and the rest of the time hanging out at home letting mom rest...oh and to top the day ff I ended up with a screaming migraine that laid me out on the couch with ice pack on my eyes and running to the bathroom to throw up every few minutes! Not a fun day for the poor kid!

Today I still feel pretty yucky, I cough anytime I lay down so I have to stay sitting up. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything because I feel so rotten! I know Orion was thinking of having his girlfriend come over to play today, but I'm not sure I really want to deal with it. They play well together, but I'm just so tired from not sleeping well that I do feel like I could easily fall asleep on the couch and that probably wouldn't go over well with her mother lol

So today there might not be a Thoughtful Thursday....unless I feel more energetic later on and my fuzzy head clears up enough to get my thoughts together. If not...have a great weekend and don't forget to hug your kids :)

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.....

Dobro Hank and The Sunshine Trio...you may have heard of us



Before I was even born the egg donor realized that musical talent seemed to flow through our veins. Big Brother #3 was what you might call a prodigy...he could pick up pretty much any instrument and within an hour he would be playing songs by ear. This started when he was 3 years old! He never learned to read sheet music, never had a lesson of any kind, just picked away at the guitar, piano, banjo, violin, (basically you name it and he could figure out how to play it).

His true talent shone through with the Dobro ...this is a Dobro

Definition: A dobro is an acoustic guitar with a metal resonator built into its body. This resonator serves as an amplifier. In contrast to acoustic guitars, the placement of the resonator takes place of the sound hole. Therefore the shape of the guitar doesn’t tend to have an affect on how the dobro’s sound is amplified. A dobro is usually played laying across your lap.

Big Brother #3 could play the dobro amazingly! But not only could Big Brother #3 play, he could sing...that country voice that can make a girl cry! Older Sister #2 and Big Sis also sang and they were AMAZING! They were so amazing that they started singing and playing at Bluegrass Festivals all over the state in the summers. Before I came along, they were only known as The Sunshine Trio, when I was 3 I started singing with the girls and when I turned 4 the group officially changed to

Dobro Hank and The Sunshine Trio

We traveled all over the country singing and playing country music. We were so good that we sang with the likes of Kitty Wells, Loretta Lynn, and George Jones to name a few. We even sang on the Grand Ole Opry once!!! Yep, we were that good!

So why would I talk about all this? Where am I going with this? It's because this talent was the egg donors out...literally! When I was about 5 years old an associate of George Jones offered my egg donor money. He wanted to adopt the 4 of us, move us to his farm in Tennesee where we would each have our own horse, home schooling and personal nannies. In exchange we would have to take singing lessons and make records! He was sure we were talented enough to make it big if we had the right kind of management, training and opportunities. The egg donor refused! She was our manager, she was NOT going to let someone else get rich off us. She was sure that if we were that talented then we would make it big regardless! Yes, we were that talented, we still are that talented, BUT she refused us the opportunity. Personally I think she refused because she didn't want anyone knowing our dirty little secrets. Heaven forbid we tell our personal nanny what she had done to us, how she had beat us daily for the littlest thing like not memorizing a song in the time limit she gave (usually about 1/2 hour). Besides, if someone took us off her hands then she would go back to being a no good for anything bum! Seriously we were her money ticket...she literally dropped out of school half way through 6th grade! She would actually brag about this and how you don't need an education....she would say "Look at me, I'm doing fine! I have a house and a mortgage and I never even finished 6th grade!" She never pointed out how the phone would get shut off every few months for non-payment along with the electric. Or how the house would be freezing cold and we had to huddle around kerosene stoves to sleep because she couldn't afford to pay to have the propane tank filled. OR even worse, we had to huddle around the old pot-belly stove in the haunted music room because she couldn't afford kerosene so we had to burn things like wooden chairs. She never mentioned not being able to afford toilet paper and forcing us to wipe with sears catalogs! She was stupid in so many ways!

I hated her on so many levels for refusing us the opportunity to better ourselves! I still hate her for this one decision! She would rather keep us at home with her, beat us daily, whip us with belts and horse whips, try to kill us instead of let us go and live a happy life! The guy was offering us the world and she was not letting it happen! I know, he could have been a psycho...could of been just as bad as living with her...but it sounded pretty and it sounded a heck of a lot better than what we had! We were GREAT, we had natural raw talent and she refused to let it shine. She instead tried to beat it into us that it was our obligation to HER to sing and make her money so she could provide for us...yet we never saw a single penny! All we ever got was a beating and maybe a bowl of mac n cheese if big sister #2 made it for us and even then it was one box for all of us to share. There was never enough food, never enough warmth and never enough love!

I still hate her for the life she gave to me!

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What amazes me most about my chldhood is the fact that I NEVER did anything to stop it! Honestly I don't know why I didn't, I don't know why none of us did anything until older sister #2 was in her senior year of high school and wrote in her journal.

Picture this...large living room and right in the center, against the wall is a tall gun cabinet holding no less than 5 or 6 guns. On the top shelf inside the glass cabinet is the bullets for the guns. There was no key, no lock, just a door. It was beautiful wood finish with glass panels on every side so you could see the guns from every angle no matter where you were in the room. Every year at hunting season time the guns were taken out and we would go hunting. When I was 4 years old I was shown how to load the gun and shoot it. I was 4 years old when I shot my first deer and I was so proud of the fact that I knew how to use a gun! So WHY didn't I use it to save us? What kept me from taking a gun out of that cabinet, loading it with bullets and shooting that evil egg donor and sperm donor (at least the person I thought was my sperm donor but I now know was not) Why didn't I just deliver myself from evil since I kept begging god and it was falling on deaf ears???

I still ask myself that question and can not come up with an answer!

I just don't know what kept me from doing it...I really should have and I probably would have gotten away with it too. I would have been deemed a troubled child once the authorities knew my story! I probably would have been in a mental ward for awhile but hey...it would have been a nice change! If nothing else, I would of had the satisfaction of knowing they were dead and could never hurt me again! I was never sure of that, not even after going into foster care. My foster parents wanted me to visit with the egg donor, they tried to get me to visit with the sperm donor, my social worker tried as well....but I was always afraid she would turn on me and hurt me or that he would rape me in the back seat of his car just to have a go with me one more time. I was so scared every single time I was forced to visit with them that I starteed playing sick every single visitation day. Most of the time I didn't even have to fake it because I would be puking from the nerves! They terrified me and my protectors thought I should visit with them, make small talk and try to re-unite our family. The only time I EVER went anywhere with the egg donor was when I wanted to go back and get some of my things, I wanted my pictures of my Grammy and a my favorite red tonka truck that I played with under the wheeping willow. I got them and got the hell out of dodge! I started puking and hyperventilating so I was taken back to the foster home. I hated seeing her and I hated being in that house...all the more reason to envy Big Sis for going back there and surviving, personally I feel light headed and queezie just thinking about it! If I went back to that house I think I would probably puke again!

I don't know why I didn't kill them when I had the chance, the only thing I can come up with is that I'm a much better person than that deep down inside. It wasn't a matter of "Do unto others" I was too good for them and I wasn't stooping to their level of violence!

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I'm gonna drop it off here, next week I'll talk more. I feel refreshed and renewed once again and now I can begin my weekend! That's mainly why I do Thoughtful Thursdays...because Thursday and Friday are my days off. I can get this all off my chest, enjoy my 2 days off and relax fully.

Enjoy your weekends people and if your parents sucked like mine, remember this....

YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON THAN THEY WERE!

That's my moto for this week :)

From Blogger Pictures

Med Check today

Took Orion to the doctors for his med check. He has to go every 4 months to watch his weight and height. He moved up to 30mg of the Adderall XR and therefore he needs to be watched very closely! Orion has always been very low in his weight in general. He never even got out of the 10th percentile on the charts until he hit 5 years old and even then he only went up to 25th percentile. When I knew I was going to put him on meds I fed him lots and lots of junk so he would gain weight. I let him eat as much as he wanted, when he wanted to, so that when he went on the meds he would only lose the fat that I put on him and not drop into a dangerous level...I knew that one of the biggest side effect of the meds was weightloss.

He actually went way up in weight, but very shortly after going on meds he dropped down. Now we fight to maintain a good weight and the more medication he takes, the harder it is to maintain a healthy weight. When he sprouts up like this it's even worse because he'll appear to be nothing but skin and bones. That's what he looks like right now, nothing but skin and bones! The doctor is a little concerned about the fact that he went up in height but down in weight since moving up to the 30 mg but since he's doing so well in school and socially he wants to give us another 4 months to gain that pound back! Ideally Orion should gain 4 to 5 pounds a year according to the doctor, not lose weight so if he doesn't get that back we will have to adjust the meds, switch to something different or find some other solution to the ADHD problem.....trust me I will be working very hard to fatten this kid up and get that pound back!

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Monday...because I feel the need

I saw on Facebook a message from Big Sis, it said that she had just had lunch at a restaurant back in our old home town. So I asked her what made her go back to the old stompin' grounds, afterall there is nothing there but bad memories. Her response threw me for a loop.

She had gone back to face the demons, to deal with the things that had happened so long ago. She went back to the old house where we grew up and asked the people living there if she could have a look around. She found herself standing in the very same rooms where we had been beaten, where we had been raped, where we had our childhood stolen from us. She stood there with the memories flooding back and it was then that she realized that she WAS standing there, she had survived! I asked her if she had vanquished any demons and this was her response:

"sure did... it seems smaller than I remember and being there brought on some flashbacks bu its ok because there I was right where I had been beaten so many times and assaulted and it hit me that I was still breathing and didnt turn out to be a psycho killer.... so ultimately... Though I was beat down at a young age, I dont have to let the memories hold me down there. Time to wash the scars clean and stand tall."

Her words are an inspiration to me! I hope that someday I can do what she did....go back there, face the demons head on and walk away feeling like a new woman! She says the house is exactly the same as when we lived there, but the garage is gone and the old weeping willow tree was chopped down (I sure did love that tree, so many memories hiding under its loving branches). She says that someday she wants to save up enough money to buy the old place and turn it into a home for abused children! I, for one, believe she will do just that! She also said that when I am ready to face the demons she will go with me so that I won't have to face them alone! I don't think I'm ready just yet, someday maybe I'm just not sure when someday will come. Writing about it is one thing....seeing the old place is a whole different story!

From Blogger Pictures

Well he finally did it...

Orion has been saving his allowance for months in order to purchase his very own Nintendo Entertainment System complete with Super Mario Bros. 3 and second controller! $75 later he has placed his order and in 2 to 6 business days he'll be hanging out in his room playing a game that I hope will hold his fancy for more than 5 minutes lol

See Orion has this fascination with the old school systems. He has become a collector of sorts, purchasing himself a Sega system, a Super Nintendo system and now the original Nintendo system. He loves the old school games but wants to play them on the original systems NOT on the computer. He enjoys the systems he has, but is on a constant endevour to purchase and own ALL the old school systems...I'm waiting for him to start talking about Atari and playing Pong lol

Today I deposited the money he gave me into the bank and made the online purchase with the bank card. He has been working so hard around here, doing extra tasks to earn extra money and making sure he saved every penny possible in order to buy this system. He could be seen many nights sitting at his computer at the JJgames.com website looking at the system and dreaming about the day it would officially become his! He finally made it! I can't wait to see his face when it actually arrives and he gets to play with it for real!

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday...the real thing

Ok so hubby convinced me. I came out of the office and he asked what I had posted for Thursday and I felt guilty. I hadn't posted much of anything except a bunch of excuses as to why I wasn't posting. Since writing my Thoughtful Thursdays, I have become a better person (IMHO) I actually have faced fears and I have moved through things. So today I will write about one of my greatest fears....the feeling of being trapped.



At this point, I will retitle this post "The closet under the stairs and My dog Spot"



When I was little if we were (in the egg donors eyes) really bad, we got put into the closet under the stairs. It was this small space, the door was about 4 feet tall and the closet was maybe 3 feet wide by 4 feet deep. The ceiling was the underside of the stair, sloping upward over your head. At one point I could stand up in there, but it wasn't long before that was impossible even for me, the littlest of all of us. The vast majority of the time we were tossed in there by the hair on our head and the door would be slammed in our face and locked from the outside. You could kick and scream and slam the door with your fist....but no amount of begging or pleading would get you released! There was a single bulb that hung from a chain just inside the door, you could pull the little chain and make the bulb light up and at least then you had something to see by. If you had really angered the egg donor the bulb was removed when you were thrown in there so that you sat in complete darkness until released!

My stuffed dog Spot was my only companion when I was in the closet!

As you can see, I still have Spot, I used to lift up his little ear and whisper all my secrets into his ear so no one would hear. I would hold him close to my heart so that I knew I wasn't alone in the darkness. His eyes used to be cloth eyes, but they fell off years ago and at first I used a marker to draw eyes on, but once I got into foster care I managed to replace the eyes with the ones he has now. His ear that I used to lift all the time was hanging on by a little bit of material, so I bought some black felt and made it the right shape and fixed him up so he could hear once again. The little blanket wrapped around him USED to be baby blue (can you believe it) When I was about 4 or 5 years old I found that material and poked some holes in it to poke his legs through and I wrapped it around him so he wouldn't be cold (yes, that material has been on Spot for 35 years). And although you can't really see them, he is actually covered in little spots of gray and thus his name of Spot.

Spot has been my constant friend no matter what goes on. He has been with me through every major event in my life. I am so glad I had a heads up the day I was told a lady would pick me up at school so that I could take him with me to school and keep him with me all these years. He was even by my side when my son was born! Spot is my lifelong friend bought for me the day I was born by my Grammy Grace!

Anyway, Spot was there in the closet with me but I was still afraid. I learned to be afraid of the dark, afraid of small places and any room I am in I must be able to see the escape or I will panic. So when hubby suggested we move the office to the basement so that Orion could have this room to play in with his friends....I got scared! I still am! How am I going to be able to work in the basement with only one small window that I can't climb out of and concrete all around me? I have a hard enough time being down in the basement long enough to put laundry in the washer or dryer. I get all wigged out! The one window is in the overhang so not a lot of light comes in and if I'm down there during the night (since I tend to work the overnight shifts) it's going to be very hard to deal with....especially if the power goes out! Spot is going to have to go to the basement with me, he's going to have to be the strong one for us both....I just don't know if he'll be enough! I just don't know what I can do to make the room less scary! The only thing I do know is that I must do it, I must overcome the fear and I will survive somehow simply because I must!

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Thus ends Thoughtful Thursday for this week! Enjoy your weekend!

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.....

Ever have one of those days where you know you have things to do, but you just don't want to do them??? That's me today!

I know I should have done the breakfast dishes before coming on the puter, but I didn't. I know I should have re-folded the throw blankets on the couch (for the umteenth time) but I didn't. I know I need to write a Thoughtful Thursday post....and I just don't wanna think about it!

I don't want to recall today, I don't want to do anything but sleep and relax and enjoy having a day off! Hubby bought me a new lawnmower yesterday and I love it, but you won't find me out in the yard doing that, you won't find me doing much of anything except maybe sitting here typing out what I should be doing lol I am so unproductive today!

See last night (or should I say this morning since it was 3:30 in the morning) I heard noises coming from the entry way where the dog sleeps. I crept out there quietly to find out what was up (thinking the cats had stolen his blanket again) only to find the dog crouching in the corner, ears backed down like he had done something wrong and what looked like wet wet mud all over the place! The stairs there are open stairs...it was dripping off the stairs down into the basement. It was on the walls, it was on the floor, it was everywhere! Apparently he ate something bad yesterday while he was outside and his backside exploded! It was the nastiest thing I have cleaned up in a VERY long time! It was one of those moments where you just stare in amazement for a couple minutes asking yourself "WHERE can I step without stepping in any of this??" All the time hoping the dog will not bound up the stairs at you and track it all over the place! It was not fun, I had to put the dog outside on the deck while I cleaned it up...took over an hour to get everything clean and sanitized!

So after sending Orion off to school I went back to bed. I slept until about 1/2 hour ago and I still have no motivation to do a darn thing! I'm having a "I DON'T WANNA!!!!!" kind of day! My arthritis is flared up bad, my head hurts from the sinusitis caused by my allergies, and the smell of bleach still permeates the house...but it's better than explosive dog diarrhea smell right?

So I think this Thursday, I'm skipping the past, I just don't wanna do it! I don't wanna think about it, I don't wanna post about it...maybe later on I'll change my mind but if I do I'll post then, just not right now. Right now I'm going to go make myself refold those throw blankets for the umteenth time and relax until the wild child comes home.

From Blogger Pictures

Happy 6 year Adoption Day

To our special needs child Gig!

This is Gig, our goofy, fun lovin' dog! He's a 6 year old Labrador Retriever who still thinks he's a puppy. We like to say he has ADHD just like the boy because he's full of spunk and never seems to get tired no matter how long you play fetch or run him around the field. He's a good dog for the most part, just full of energy...more than the 3 of us combined! He loves to play, receive belly rubs and water! Even though he keeps us on our toes, we love him and enjoy the time we spend with him.

From Blogger Pictures

Spring has sprung

For the first time in many months I have managed to go outside in just a short sleeve t-shirt to do things like wash the car, clean up the yard and plant our sunflower seeds! Every single year since Orion was very little, we have planted these giant (and I do mean giant) sunflowers out in the front of our house. These babies will grow to 12 to 14 feet tall and the flowers will have a diameter in the range of 18 inches across! They produce edible seeds that taste oh so yummy and can be replanted the following spring to produce more of these beauties! It's a tradition that we have held onto for many years and I am betting that when Orion grows up and gets his own place he'll be seen outdoors in the spring planting his own sunflowers! They are sitting in the ground hopefully growing roots and preparing to grace us with their beauty over the summer. We have a nice section along the edge of the driveway that gets sun almost all day long so they love being there and grow fairly quickly. We've also seen the bleeding hearts growing nicely and the scallions have already produced enough greenery that I get to enjoy baked potatoes nightly! I get to go out on my deck and enjoy grilling again (something I LOVE doing) I had missed my beautiful Weber grill that hubby and the Wild Child bought me last mother's day. We are friends once again and I get to enjoy that flavor of fire cooked meat nightly!

Yep, spring has sprung and life is grand!

EXCEPT for the aches and pains from all the yardwork lol THAT I do not relish, the blisters on my hands are finally healing.....couldn't find my yardwork gloves but I HAD to get out there and breathe in the fresh air, soak up the sun, and make my yard look more presentable. It's not perfect yet, but it's a heck of a lot better than it was.

Again, spring has sprung and life is grand!

I went out and bought myself some work gloves since I couldn't find my old ones (I'll probably find them now that I have a new pair lol) and my hands are thanking me for the purchase! On Wednesday hubby will take me out and together we will purchase a new lawn mower since ours died at the end of last summer and I will get to mow the grass and make my yard something my boy can be proud to play in and have his friends come over to play in. I'll get over my allergies and fight the good fight because I love the nice weather!

Again I say......

Spring has sprung and Life is grand!!

From Blogger Pictures

Tired and cranky and wanting to run away

That's me today...and I don't like it....but I can't seem to help it!

I've mentioned before that I suffer from PMDD (PreMenstrual Dysphoric Disorder) and I take a wonderful medication called Yaz for it. You've probably seen the ads on TV for Yaz...maybe even seen the ones for the law suits over Yaz as well. Yaz is a form of birth control pill, but it is also for PMDD and if you don't have PMDD but take Yaz you will most likely have the side effects that caused the law suit in the first place. Most women suffer from PMS, and they think it's bad but until they have suffered with PMDD they have no clue just how bad it truly can be! When Yaz first came out it wasn't clear in the ads that it should be prescribed for PMDD and not as a general birth control method. They have cleared it up a little better and now doctors know if the patient does not have PMDD they should NOT be taking Yaz for birth control. I do have it, so therfore I take it.

So you might be asking why am I suffering this month?? Well it's really simple! My doctor prescribed Yaz to me but only gave me a 9 month supply because he wanted to see me again after 9 months to make sure that my condition is PMDD and not just PMS. In case you didn't know, PMDD is hard to diagnose and he wanted to be certain since there are bad side effects with it if you really don't have PMDD. Anyway, in that 9 months my doctor left the practice where I go to become a trauma specialist. Apparently he wanted to make more money and so he left the general practice and moved on. My new doctor had never seen me before and therefore had no clue about the plan that my previous doctor had laid out for me. So when I was in her office for a sickness I mentioned to her that I was out and needed a new prescription. She didn't understand why my previous doctor had not given me a years supply and said she would call in the rest to get me to my regular annual check-up.

She never called it in!

I went to the pharmacy to pick it up and it was not there. I called the doctors office and she was on vacation and there was no notation in my file about it so no one would prescibe me anything without an annual exam and of course my insurance will only pay for 1 a year and I am not due for a few months so I had to wait until she got back. She was back this week, but that put me almost a full month without my meds...and thus I suffer...hubby suffers and Orion suffers!

And so this week I am tired, cranky and downright evil at times! I hate the way I am and don't even want to be around myself when I get like this which is why I went on the meds in the first place. I'm going out today to pick up my new prescription that she called in finally and will look forward to a better month next month.

From Blogger Pictures

Results on Big Sis

She had her MRI yesterday morning and then the stinkin computers went down so the doc couldn't compare the results. Apparently, her doctor (much like Orions doctors office) has gone to electronic scans over printing them out so you only get to view them on a computer screen. Anyway, according to the doctor she won't know the full plan of what will happen next until the computers get up and running (and with this being good friday and then the weekend the earliest will be Monday). Looking at her previous MRI however she could tell Sis that she has a bad case of arthritis in her spinal column and the disc between her 5th and 6th vertebrea is breaking down. It is the breakdown of this disc that is pinching the nerve causing her to have the tremors, the numbness and unbearable pain and spasms. As it continues to break down, it will only get worse. The doctors concern is that since Big Sis' symptoms are so severe and happening pretty much daily, that she is going to need some kind of surgery to repair or replace the disc. Big Sis is scared of surgery, especially anything to do with her neck as she has this almost irrational fear of ending up paralyzed...I keep trying to tell her that if she doesn't get the surgery then her disc will break down enough that she will end up paralyzed anyway so she's better off taking the risk. My MIL just had this surgery about a year and a half ago and she's perfectly fine....to which Big Sis pointed out that she probably had real insurance and that just makes me sigh because it is true.

Anyway, the doctor will hopefully get back to her sometime next week to let her know what the next plan will be, but most likely we're talking surgery as long as Big Sis will go through with it. I will be working on her to lean her that way simply because I think it's really in her best interest.

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.....

Easter

A holiday where people are celebrating the impossible no matter how you look at it. Either it's a dead guy rising from the dead (he was probably just in shock and they didn't know how to check his pulse and the reality was that he was in a coma for 3 days) or it's the bunny rabbit that forgot it's a mammal (and even better a boy) and lays eggs instead of live bunnies.

Yep I'm a pessimist, but not completely! I prefer to celebrate the impossible bunny story. When I was a kid it was the same thing, but we never had little plastic eggs full of candy, we had real eggs...the eggs that the chickens would lay up on the hill. We used markers and crayons to color them and we would poke little holes into either end, blow the egg out through the holes (no easy feat mind you) and then hang the shells on strings to decorate. Then on easter morning we would wake up early and we would actually find a small basket right next to our beds and there would be a candy bar and some jelly beans and one of our favorite treats as well. It's one of those rare good memories I had and I can't help but ask myself...why??

Why was she nice this one day? She was an athiest, she mocked people who believed in god and jesus and all that stuff. Perhaps that's part of why I'm so skeptical about god...I tried to believe, I really did but he took so long to save me from my abuse that I wonder if he is real afterall. ANYWAY....back to my real question....why was she nice on easter???

I honestly can't figure it out, it makes no sense to me. She would give me a clipboard with loose leaf paper on it for my birthday, she would give me socks for Christmas, both wrapped up neatly at the end of the day with a good beating. On easter, I knew without a doubt I was going to have a great day! There would be candy, my favorite candy even, and no beatings until tomorrow at the earliest. It was like a sacred day to her, you don't beat your kids on easter sunday. So I love easter sunday, always have, it's my one day of respite, my one day of peace, my one day that I have happy memories for every single one I can remember as far back as I can remember! I wish I had that one day every day of my life....and now that I have a kid of my own the easter bunny finds his way here to our house and he leaves a basket full of candy and small toys for the boy to enjoy and play with.

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Other thoughts today are on my Big Sis....she is having an MRI right now as I type and then she will go meet with the doctor to find out what to do about this problem between her 5th and 6th vertebrea (I think I posted before that it was the 4th and 5th but I was mistaken and it's the next set down) In any case, she is probably looking at some kind of surgery to fix this, but she won't know until the doctor looks at the MRI results and compares them to the last MRI results from a month or so ago. It's nerve wracking to say the least, I wish I could be there holding her hand and supporting her through all this but all I can do is text her that I love her and am thinking of her and remind her that she's strong and she will get through this! Unfortunately I am seeing the results of state health care vs. private healthcare and I get the feeling that if this were me things would be moving along a lot faster. It could be my imagination, or maybe this is a case where the doctor thinks maybe time and medication will make it better, but you would think she could at least pass that on and tell my sister so that her mind is at ease and she's not feeling like she's being blown off and forgotten because she doesn't have the money to pay for the services and she doesn't have a good paying job because she has spent the last 25 years trying to raise her kids instead of going to college and getting a higher education. I should hear from her later on today and she'll let me know what's going on and what the next step is.

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Well I'm off here. I hope everyone has a great easter holiday no matter what you celebrate!

From Blogger Pictures