Thoughtful Thursday.......

When I was a child I looked at the world very differently, it was all about me, me, me. My brothers and sisters were mean, they picked on me, they gave me a hard time about a lot of silly little things. They took enjoyment in my suffering when they scared me half to death on purpose. My mother and father were evil people who took enjoyment in torturing me, claiming they were raising me right when no other child (other than my siblings) were treated so poorly. No other child was beaten with a leather belt or a metal yardstick, no other child was kicked or had their hair pulled or was stuffed into a closet to sit in time-out. I was a poor pitiful little girl and all I could think was

WHY ME??

Now that I have grown up I still ask "why me?" but now it's in a different light. I understand now that my brothers and sisters were only having fun and they really meant me no harm, I was just the smallest so I was the easy target. I also realize I was not the only child getting beaten, whipped and locked in closets. I even realize that my abuse was minor compared to so many others...other children actually get killed by their parents because they are so badly beaten or shaken that they can not live any longer, their little bodies just can't take any more and give up. Who is better off?? Those that died and went to live in a better place? The ones who didn't have to suffer at their parents hands any longer? or me who lived day after day until FINALLY someone came and took me away from the nightmare and I got to live in a "normal" world where kids aren't hit but are still punished. A world where you get grounded instead of smothered with a pillow, a world where parents may yell but they never raise a fist to your face.

I like to believe it was me that was the lucky one, because even though I suffered greatly and I have emotional scars that are still gaping wounds some days, I'm still here, still alive and able to be a good mom, able to be a good wife, able to simple be!

~~~~~~~~~

I'm kinda fuddled today, I spend most my days lately worrying about my sister. Older sister #2 is my bestest, bestest friend in the whole wide world! She's only 3 years older than me, I was there for the birth of her first 2 children, there to help her out when they were born and there the day we both got drunk off our arses and snuck out of our foster home practically killing ourselves because we were sneaking out the second story window lol We got separated for a bit when I spoke of our past openly at school, she moved on, I moved on and facebook brought us back together. Now we text eachother daily, we talk on the phone, we facebook daily and we are tight. But I fear it may be fading, I fear I am going to lose her permanantly and it scares me. Before now, when we got separated I always had that feeling Feivel had in "American Tale" Somewhere out there, she was thinking of me and loving me and looking at the same bright star I was....but if her test results come back the way the doctors fear she will have Parkinson's Disease and our world will change drastically! I know that it may not shorten her life expectancy per say, it's not the kind of disease like cancer that will kill you faster, my grandmother had it and she was 83 when she died...but still it will change us. She eventually won't be able to text as often as she does, her speech will most likely become slurred making it harder for her to speak on the phone comfortably for hours on end, she will change and because of the fact that she is so self conscious already she will close herself up and she will fade from sight. I know her....to everyone around here she can laugh some of the symptoms off... the forgetfulness, the blanking out and not remembering part of her days. The small tremors in her hands and legs, the twitch of her head, she just laughs at it if it happens in front of others...but behind her eyes you can see it, you can read it...or at least I can. I am the one person she will be honest with about her fears, the one person she will confide in and I don't know if I am ready to handle this. My hubby hates my family with a passion, he feels whenever I talk to anyone from that branch of the tree I get depressed and I remember my past too much and I dwell on it. Besides, thinking about them only makes him think about a time in my life when I was suffering and he couldn't do anything to make it stop...not that he could of even if he was there, but he just loves me that much. So I can't really talk to him about my feelings about my sister and the fears that well up inside of me while waiting for all the different test results....and I can't really talk to her because I don't want to drag her down or make her feel badly. I fear if she knew just how scared I was of the prognosis she might stop talking to me about it and since I am the only person she'll talk to....well you see the dilemma I am in. My thinking is by posting here I will have gotten some of this off my chest and I will be able take a deep breath and figure out how to deal with all this. I need to be my sisters keeper, my sisters strong pillar, wow what a change of position this is...I'm used to needing her, not the other way around!

From Blogger Pictures

What an amazing day I just shared with my boy

Today we went snowboarding, it was our first day of spending the entire day dedicated to teaching Orion to ride! It was such an amazing day I can barely scratch the surface describing the emotions and feelings wrapped up in this one day!

First of all, we rode up with hubby but hubby had a couple of his guy friends coming up to meet him there. That way I could dedicate myself to teaching Orion and not have anyone interfering or making other suggestions (something daddy is notorious for lol) We set the rules for the day....every other run would be a lesson run and the other runs he could do whatever he wanted and just have fun. My hope was in agreeing to the fun runs he would use them to practice and try to perfect the moves......and that's exactly what happened! The first run was a fun run...get into the mode and just enjoy being out there again. The second run was a lesson. We worked on getting him onto his toe edge since he was hesitant to get there. Then the third run he had fun....etc. etc. etc. By the end of the day (21 runs later) he was connecting turns all the way down the trail! He kept saying to me "this run is a fun run and I'm not carving! I swear I'm not doing it" then sure enough he would start out doing the falling leaf but in the end he was carving and really working on the process of going heel, toe, heel, toe all the way down!

I can barely express how awesome it was to watch him learn and see the motions click. I swear it was just as overwhelming as watching him take his first steps and the amazement as he figured out he could run! It's one of those days I'll put into my memory treasure chest, a day to remember years from now! I truly can not wait to take him up next week so I can experience it all over again!

From Blogger Pictures

My ray of Sunshine

Thanks to Sweet Mama Jones for my little ray of sunshine that she gave me just in time for my birthday :) If you wanna meet a blogger that's totally down to earth and awesome, you should go meet her!



I know the deal is I'm supposed to pass it on to 12 bloggers, but I'm still a bit in the fuzzy head from celebrating my birthday yesterday so I'm only going to pass this on to 6 bloggers...but they're awesome none the less!

Now time to pass it on:
* Put the logo on your blog or within your post.

* Pass the award onto 12 bloggers.
* Link the nominees within your post.
* Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
* Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

1) Crafty Mummy 2 two

2) Parenting By dummies

3) Just a Little Something

4) Coming Clean

5) Dirty Laundry

6) Sarahs Sweethearts

From Blogger Pictures

My Thoughtful Thursday....

Today is the last day for me to be 38, tomorrow morning I will turn 39. 30 years ago I turned the same age my son is, I know it has been this way for the past 9 years, but for some reason this year it has hit me stronger than ever.

Perhaps it's the fact that this is a finality for both of us this year...for Orion next birthday he will no longer be a single digit age, he's growing up and becoming a double digit! That's a pretty big deal! For me, next birthday I will turn 40....my new stage in life. I'll officially be "middle-aged" and no longer "In my 30's" That's a big deal....at least to me it is.

And so I have spent the last week or so looking back on my life. 30 years ago I never thought I would make it another 30 days, say nothing about 30 years. I've changed from that helpless little girl who felt nothing but pain and suffering every single day. I had no hope of a future, no hope of survival, I constantly feared what would come and if I would survive to escape.

Perhaps it's the way Orion sees the world now, the way he's understanding more and looking forward to his life as an adult more than ever before. He's coming into his own, he's now figuring out what he wants to be when he grows up with a purpose, not just on the whim of what he likes this week. He's no longer looking to be an astronaut so that he can go into space and catch me a wishing star so that all my dreams can come true...that's why he wanted to be an astronaut when he was 2. Now he wants to be a science teacher because he loves science and wants to share it with other kids. He wants to teach it and watch others discover the magical world of science. I guess in a way I am jealous.

I'm jealous of my own son, is that bad? Is that wrong? I would have given anything to be able to dream big like that, to be able to actually see myself as someone amazing! I didn't have the chance to dream big and actually imagine myself as anything because I couldn't imagine living through the week. With a mother who threatened to kill me, a mother who daily reminded me that I should've been a little yellow pill, that I shouldn't of been born at all.....how can anyone dream with that hanging over their heads on a daily basis? I certianly couldn't, I just wanted to be a better mother than mine was to me...if I survived that long. Don't get me wrong, I would never want my son to ever even think about feeling that way and I'm not jealous to the extent of wishing he could suffer for even one second of a day, I'm just jealous because I never had that chance. It was taken away from me and I didn't even fully realize it was missing until I had a nine year old child of my own starting to really dream with a purpose. That's when I really realized it was missing, that's when it became real.

But then I look at my last 30 years and I realize that one thing is certian...one thing is real...I AM a better mother than her! At least I had that one dream, maybe that one dream was enough to get me through, enough to make sure I survived and strived, enough to make me the mother I am today. I've fed my childs dreams, helped him grow into the young man he is today. A young man I can be proud of.

And speaking of pride....yesterday Orions teacher sent home a note to let me know how Orion has been doing on his higher dosage of meds. I want to share two points she wrote:

"Recently, our afternoon paraprofessional was abscent. There was a substitute in that had spent some time in Orion's class last year. She went out of her way to comment on how much more self-sufficient he is and what a nice attitude he has this year."

and

"Thank you for helping Orion with his writing at home. I've been very impressed with the result! Did he tell you that with his permission I used his "Favorite Place" writing as an example of how to write great transistions?"

Orion has been struggling with his writing so I started really helping him here at home. They have to write these 5 paragraph essays on a given topic so I have been doing it with him at home. Basically I get the ideas from him, have him tell me what he would like to write and then I tell him how to better word it and he puts it on the paper the way he decides sounds best. He's very quickly getting to the point where he needs very little redirection as far as rewording it, I just have to teach him now where to add more detail and make the story really interesting. The more details the better, I always thought, apparently the teacher thinks so too.

The comment that tugged at my heart the most was the first one...Orion is happy at school. He has a good attitude and he's showing that he can be on his own. Someone saw the change and pointed it out, that makes me so happy it's really the best birthday present so far! To know my son is turning into a kid who is self-sufficient and has a good attitude shows me that I did it...I've already succeeded! I would not have been described as that 30 years ago, I would have been described as withdrawn, sullen, and overly shy.

Tomorrow I turn 39, the end of my 30's, the beginning of another chapter...I wonder if I'll feel as good about my life at the end of this one as I do right now. Like my new ribbon says:

"I am a survivor, NOT a victim!"

~~~~~~~~~

Have a great weekend everyone....I'm taking it off so I can enjoy my birthday weekend with my family :)

As for the thought of the week....I have 3 simple words: HOPE, DREAM, BELIEVE

From Blogger Pictures

My poor little guy :(

He was horsing around in the kitchen in his sock-feet and he slipped....crash, bang, boom sprained his wrist. He's all wrapped up in an ace bandage, received motrin before bed and he's sleeping somewhat peacefully. Poor little guy, wasn't worried about whether or not he had broken anything, just whether or not he would be able to go snowboarding next weekend! Gotta love kids priorities lol

From Blogger Pictures

Why I don't write a book...sorry if this is long

I've had a lot of people ask me why I don't write a book about my past...even SMJ posted a comment about it in my last post. Honestly I have a few different reasons and here they are

For one, I feel like my brain is a big jumbled mess and I can never seem to keep an organized line of thought. I have mentioned before how I feel like I have some form of multiple personality thing going on where memories are locked away, protecting me from my own nightmares. The brain is an amazing thing and although I have never shown signs of a true multiple personality disorder I personally know that I have what I like to call zones. I do not go back into that little girl zone much anymore, but yell at me the right way, even playfully lift a hand toward me and I will slip back there and hide in a corner like a scared child...LITERALLY! I have curled up in a ball in the corner of the kitchen just last year when hubby and I were arguing over something stupid. He didn't raise his hand, he just said some words that were mean and hurtful (as people aften do when they are arguing) and it was the exact words I had heard my mother say before she hit me. I immediately fell to the floor, crawled into the corner and bawled like a little baby. It ended our fight immediately but it was seriously a sad sad moment! I was pathetic....30 years later she still haunts me with simple words!

So no I can't get myself together enough to write a book because I can't get it all together right.

Second, I have a couple of my siblings that I am still in contact with. Older sister #2 will comment to me on Facebook at least once a month and older sister #3 is in constant contact with me. We text on the phone almost daily, we post on each others facebook walls all the time and we talk on the phone when our work schedules don't clash (which isn't very often since we work opposite hours) Anyway, these sisters of mine are not as open about our life as I am, they would rather just move forward and forget the past. They often tell me that I seem to embrace the past like it's a purple heart of bravery. They don't even like that I post Thoughtful Thursdays because they worry that someday it will link back to them somehow and people will find out what they came from. The last time I mentioned writing a book they flipped right out. That is why I only use numbers for them here on my blog, because they do not want their names used in any manner shape or form. I just don't want the hassle or the fight and I certianly do not want them to stop talking to me again. That's already happened once when I was in high school, again in college all over papers that I had written as class assignments.

See in high school, in my senior year, our english assignment was to write a paper on something we felt very strongly about and it had to be something that not only could we support in fact but also could apply personal experience. I wrote my paper on helping victims of incest. I supported my paper with the statistics that were out there and then I also added my own personal experience. When I had to give my oral report I stood in front of the class, asked them to close their eyes while I painted a picture in their minds. I read from my paper my story....from my point of view...it was the scariest thing I had ever done. I painted a picture of horror for them and no one in that class ever loked at me the same since. That teacher was the first person who told me I needed to write a book. BUT that was the day my siblings got mad because now others knew that I had been a victim. I hadn't mentioned them at all, but they were sure that now everyone knew their dirty laundry and they hated me for it. We didn't talk much for a year or so, they forgot it and we made up as sisters often do. Then in college for my psychology class I wrote a paper on the effects of abuse and I did include them. I figured no one would know them since they lived in a completely different state, but they worried that someone would somehow find that paper and then know their history and somehow the people they knew would find out their past. So we did not talk for many years after that one. I got married, I had my son and finally facebook brought us back together again. I don't want to lose this again, so I will not write again with their names...never again. If I were to write a book I would have to be creative, figure out a way to write the details without them in it and I don't think I could do that, I just don't know how.

And finally...my hubby also does not like me writing about my past. He doesn't like Thoughtful Thursdays either, he feels it keeps me in the past and that I should just forget it and move onward. He's always saying..."that's not your life anymore, just move on" I can't seem to make him understand that I am moving on and that this writing is helping me to move on.

And so I sit here and I post my life against everyones wishes because it's the one thing I can do for myself to help me heal. It's the one thing I can do to help me feel better, to help me make sense of this crazy life that has been mine. Even though everyone that I love tells me not to do it, that it's hurting me or it's going to hurt them, I do it anyway. perhaps it's just my rebellious ways, perhaps it's just my form of control, I don't know, I just know that I feel the need to write and so I do it. I feel the need to put this all into words and somehow in doing so I feel better so I do it again and again. Trust me, I do concider writing a book even though they don't want me to, and maybe someday I will, I'm turning 39 on Friday and that leaves me plenty of years ahead to write that book. Maybe I'll write it and give the profits to my son....maybe, just maybe.

From Blogger Pictures

OOPS....

It's Friday and I missed my Thoughtful Thursday post....sigh...my bad!

I do try to get on here to post, but usually I have Thursdays and Fridays off, and since I had taken extra days off after the break-in I opted to work yesterday during the day to make up for it and try to make some money. I succeeded in making money, it was a profitable day to say the least, but that means I was busy answering the phones and not so busy posting on my blog.....of course we all know making money is more important because that helps us make it through the here and now and delving into my past helps too but it doesn't pay the bills or make it so we can go out and have fun as a family so it definately takes a second shelf. On that note....here's a little something I've been needing to get off my chest.

~~~~~~~~~

Everyday I work hard to not yell at my child, it's not easy to say the least. When he doesn't have adderall he's wild and inattentive, out of control and can't listen to save his life. When he does have his meds and I send him off to school he does well there, but once he gets home it's time for the meds to leave his body and then we're fighting the side effect of that....anger! We're not talking a little anger either, we're talking Lifetime TV worthy teenager on steroids anger!! I'm not even kidding! Basically in order to not yell, in order to not be hurt and upset by his anger I have to send him to his room by himself and completely ignore him for a couple of hours. If I so much as walk into the room, look at him, anything it's that angry "WHAT?" with a look that could put me 6 feet under the normal 6 feet under! After the 2 to 2 1/2 hours he's a regular everyday kind of kid that I love to be around......except now he has no meds and he's wild and crazy and inattentive and can't follow directions to save his life....sigh

So as I deal with all of this I can't help but ask myself....what the hell was wrong with my mother??? Why couldn't she just have ignored me? Why couldn't she deal with me yet I can learn to deal with a child who is so much worse?? I worked so hard to follow her instructions, I did everything in my power to make her happy even though it seemed to be the impossible task! I even loved her when she didn't deserve and ounce of it, yet she beat me with the leather belt, she whipped me with the horse whip, she left emotional and physical scars on a daily basis...WHY?? If ever there was a child that I could possibly see driving a crazy woman like my mother to physical violence it would be my son yet here I am unable to even spank him, unable to lay a finger on him in anger.

WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH THAT WOMAN??

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT KIND OF TREATMENT??

WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THAT LIFE??

I don't think there are any answers to those questions, I used to think that maybe she had PMDD like me, maybe that was her issue, but now I don't think so. I have forgotten to take my meds, felt that anger rise up inside me, felt the hormones going all whacky yet still I do not lay a hand on my child. I might yell, I might cry, but I would never lay a single finger on him in anger! And no, it's not just because I was an abused child and I'm afraid of repeating the cycle, it's more along the lines of it's just not right! Beating a child is going to get you no where, it's going to do nothing to help the situation. I don't hit my child because I have tought him that hitting is wrong and I have never understood how you can hit a child and then tell them that hitting is wrong...isn't that a contradiction of your teaching?

~~~~~~~~~

Well that's about it, I feel better having made my weekly post about the crap in my life. Have a great weekend everyone :)

From Blogger Pictures

A post special for Sweet Mama Jones :)

Special for you, here's a short video of me last season You can see me coming over the edge of the hill on the right side of the screen and riding down past hubby.

I think the biggest difference between me and the lessons isn't so much my mad skills but more along the lines of I give him a challenge one run and the next run I let him do whatever he wants. So he gets to have some fun inbetween each lesson and it's not all about work. I was basically just taking him up the small lift that only goes about 1/3 of the way up the mountain and I would tell him to connect from his heel edge to the toe edge and back to the heel edge 3 times as he rode down. Before I knew it he was connecting 7 or 8 turns instead of just 3.

From Blogger Pictures

One week later

So, here we are one week later, one week since the break-in. Our house is now fort knox and no one is getting in without a fight!

Downstairs in the basement where they entered hubby has set up what we like to refer to as "the red-neck security system". In other words, he took a giant piece of pressure treated 2X6 and barred it across the door! It doesn't budge one bit now and seriously I think they would probably break themselves before they would break down the door!

In the main section of the house (and yes even downstairs where they entered) we have installed the home security system that beeps anytime anyone opens the door and wakes the dead if the correct passcode isn't put in within 30 seconds of entering one door, immediately upon entering either of the others.

Ironically my hubby has jury duty today...poor guy! He's a bit bitter about criminals these days so my guess is he'll get let go of pretty quickly...at least I hope so.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Other news this week.....my brother-in-law got some kind of skin infection on his face which now needs to be removed. I haven't seen him, only heard about it from my father-in-law while we were visiting my mother-in-law in the hospital! Apparently her appendix ruptured and hers is shaped funny so that it wraps around another body part in there and they didn't see on the scan that it had ruptured. Now she has a major ecoli infection and a couple other complications and she'll be stuck in the hospital for probably a week or so. We did take Orion snowboarding on Saturday, he had a half-day lesson in the morning and then for the afternoon we took him out riding and I gave him a couple of lessons myself. He says he prefers my lessons over the regular instructors and is now requesting that he no longer take lessons from them but instead only get lessons from me. I'm actually ok with that, now that he's learned the basics I can get him to progress by giving him challenges and making it more fun and less like learning.

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.......

It's that day of the week again, time for me to delve into the depths of my murky past and see what I can remove.

When I was a little girl, I dreamed of being nothing more than a mother that was better than the one I had. She simply SUCKED, if you need a description of her, that's about what you would get out of me. She was a mean, evil, nasty woman that somehow managed to get married, have a couple of kids, have an affair and have more kids and then have another affair and have one more. She was the evil minded person who faked a suicide just to try to get us to behave, she worked in a flower shop making flower arrangements and seemed to care about those flowers more than her own children. She would beat us for the simplest things, many I don't even remember the reason, just the beatings. I remember her making my sister do dishes one night, she complained she was cold and her hands slipped on a knife and she cut her cheek. My mother refused to let her tend to the cut until the dishes were done and for her complaining about being cold she got to stand in a bucket of ice water while she did the dishes. She has a scar on her cheek now that is a constant reminder of that aweful day and I don't think she'll ever wash another dish again....if her dishwasher broke I swear she would result to paper and plastic before she would wash dishes. Mother traumatized us all!

When my sister #1 got into junior high and high school, I remember her wanting to wear a little make-up as all girls do at that age. My mother refused, yelled at her and told her that it was for "women of the night" (in other words only prostitutes wear make-up) My sister got make-up from her friends, applied it on the bus or at school in the bathroom. One day she forgot to remove it before the end of the day....she was beat within an inch of her life!

That was the way it was, daily, there was always a reason to be beaten. You didn't sweep the floor properly, you didn't wash the dishes properly, you complained. The biggest sin was stealing a sip of the milk out of the fridge before it had been separated. See when you get milk straight from the cow and put it in a fridge, it will separate cream from the rest. Mother liked the cream in her coffee and no one was allowed to drink a drop of the cream. Once the milk had cooled and separated we had to pour the cream into a different container and then we could use the milk for drinking, cereal (if we had any) or to make mac-n-cheese from a box. I clearly remember getting my butt whooped from here to tuesday (that's how mother used to put it) for drinking from the jug before it had been separated. I relished that taste, so sweet and smooth going down my throat, it was rather delicious...but it was dangerous to do. Mother would mark the jug so she would know exactly how much was in there and if anyone drank any. If any was missing we got called to the line-up to find out who did it and if no one confessed we all got beat just to be sure the right one got it. Somedays I could barely walk, let alone sit down without pain. She used to say all the time "Spare the rod, spoil the child" and that was her excuse for beating us to bloody pulps!

Perhaps that's why I hate the bible so much, why I can't stand religion...because that one verse always was used against me as a reason for beating the crap out of me and my siblings. Perhaps someday, when I'm laying on my deathbed I'll figure out the whole religion thing, but I doubt it! My guess is I will die, go somewhere and find out what the afterlife has planned for me. Personally, I hope that the afterlife is this place where my mother, father, brother #2 and Uncle are sitting and waiting for me. There I get to use any method of torture I want to make their afterlife a living hell! I hope I get the chance to give back the hurt, to give back the pain and get my own justice! I hope my afterlife is their hell....now that would be fun!

Have a great weekend everyone, hug your kids instead of hit them, teach them with words and not pain. Understand that someday you will die and they will too and if there truly is a heaven and a hell your hell could very well be their heaven hehe

Never say it'll never happen to me

because it will!

See I thought we lived in a nice cafe neighborhood, we have lived here for almost 13 years with no issues (well there was that time some kid ran behind our shed when they saw a cop coming, dropped their cigarrette and lit our shed on fire but I don't think that counts) ANYWAY I thought we were safe.

When Orion was born my hormones changed and I got a little spazzy when hubby would go snowboarding with the guys and I felt uncomfortable alone at night in the house so I asked for a dog. I figured I would never need him, but he gave me peace of mind so I asked and I received....besides every boy needs a dog!

Today I learned that even the safest of neighborhoods can have break-ins, even the safest of neighborhoods can feel unsafe for awhile. Today my house was broken into and thanks to my wonderful big black lab they didn't dare enter the side of the house where we keep everything, where we live, where all the valuables are. Last week I was ready to get rid of that headache of a dog, today I am thankful he's still here!

See they came around from the front, they entered through the mudroom door that leads into the unfinished side of the basement. Usually that door is locked, but last night hubby staggered in through there after snowboarding and he apparently forgot to lock it and I didn't know because I was working. They ransacked my basement, which luckily didn't have a lot in it. There's the laundry stuff and my husbands collection of comic books in boxes, but nothing major in any way. They went into the garage where my hubby's tools are and I don't know if anything is missing from there but hubby will assess that after work. They also broke into our shed, but there's nothing in there but summer tools , gardening supplies etc. Nothing worth stealing in any shape or form. If my dog was not on the stairs that go from the basement up to the main part of the house I am sure they would of had a field day.

So now we don't know if we can feel safe going snowboarding as a family, that requires us to kennel the dog and he won't be here to protect the house. We don't know if we can go anywhere, heck today I was gone maybe 20 minutes, 1/2 hour at the most! But that good dog of mine, when I came home I tried to go downstairs to do laundry and he danced and pranced and barked at me. He blocked the stairs and told me not to go down. What a good doggie...he got extra treats for that!

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday.......

My thoughts of the past today are thoughts of my dear sweet nephew, born in September of 1986, my son almost shares the day of his birth but we missed it by 1 day. This wonderful little boy was always smiling, always happy, always full of joy. He was my pride and joy, my very first nephew and I was right there the day he was born.

I watched him grow, I watched him play, I helped my sister in every way I possibly could. Her husband, at the time, was in the Army and he wasn't always home. She was barely 18 at the time of his birth, still just a baby herself. I would often come help her out with the cleaning or the laundry or my favorite activity, playing with her baby boy. Now I see him on Facebook, all grown up and in the Air Force.

This week his status says:

"Many times has the sun set. A lifetime filled with adventure. Some have laughed and some have cried. Each of us brought together, be it by chance or fate, for a purpose all our own or for that higher power. Either way... just seize the day. For one never knows when their last sunset may fade into that great abyss. Live*Laugh*Love ~ John Brown "

That's my nephew, such a deep thinker, such a wonderful person and I couldn't be more proud of him! I just found out he's being deployed sometime next month and I can't help but feel that pang of worry, that gut wretching feeling that you get when someone you love is facing grave danger. I pray he stays safe and comes back home not too badly scarred by the evils of war.

~~~~~~~~~

That is all I have to say today! Hug your babies and hug those who are dear to you but aren't directly your babies. It's an evil world we live in and we never know what tomorrow might bring for us or them!

From Blogger Pictures

YES I'm bitter and jealous...

SO SUE ME!!!!!

I can't have anymore children, my father/brother/uncle took that away from me! My OB told me after having Orion that I would never carry another child to full term and that, quite frankly, she was amazed I managed to carry Orion to full term! I have so much scar tissue, so much damage caused by thier abuse of my little body, that I can not possibly carry another child to term. My uterus will literally tear open killing me and any child trying to grow in there. Because of this, I opted to have my tubes tied and fried....I couldn't risk an accidental baby leaving Orion motherless.

So when I read blogs of other mothers who already have 4 children ranging in age from 1 to 5 years old, people who are struggling to keep their marriage together, people running off to Africa to do Gods work (bah God, who the hell wants to do his work when he lets small children suffer so) People who seem so nice and it makes me feel badly to think this way...when they announce they are expecting a 5th baby, yeah I get bitter. I get angry, I get down-right mad as hell! I'm not mad at MkMama, a small part of me is happy for her but there's that bitter part that just gets mad! It's not fair, just not fair at all!!

I know, I know...life's not fair but damn it, that just pisses me off!

Yes I am venting, as I so need to do sometimes. It's not just MkMama announcing that she's having a 5th baby, it's also that family that has 18 or 19 kids...you see their life story on tv. Why?? What makes them so damn special?? They are extra special because they can pop out baby after baby and not feel guilty for it? They are special because they can have so many children?? What about those of us who struggle through life just to survive, the ones who try so hard to have babies who in the end are told their dreams of even a moderate sized family are shattered because their asshole relatives thought it would be fun to rape them when they were just little girls? Why don't we have a tv show?? Personally, I think my story is way more interesting than some family popping out so many kids that they have instant baby sitters and easy child labor. I would never dream of popping out 18 or 19 kids, but I don't even get the chance to have even a playmate for my kid! I got my one chance and that's all I get and that doesn't make me special in anyway what so ever. It doesn't give me a tv show, and you know why???

it's simple....at least I think so

the answer is simply that people don't want to hear or see others struggle. People don't want to see those of us who suffered unimaginable pain at the hands of our parents. People don't want to even admit it exists. People would rather live in this world where having one kid or no kids, no matter the reason is just something you choose to do. If you choose to fore-go any birth control and just pop out baby after baby then you're awesome and you can have a tv show. It's ok for teenagers to go out an get pregnant too...hell you do that and you can have a tv show too. They'll even make an imaginary tv show about teenage pregnancy and how it's all ok. Don't show the real people, the ones out here struggling because they suffered. Don't show the child abuse unless it's some special on lifetime network and even then only make one movie about it and show it only late at night when other shows are on that most people watch. Don't make the world aware that there is an evil out there and it's called mommy or daddy. Keep that kind of thing hush hush.

Yes, I am bitter, yes I am angry. Not at the people who are blessed enough to be able to make the decision to skip birth control of any kind and just have baby after baby, not even angry at their situation...just angry because I don't have the chance to make that choice myself. Angry because that choice was taken away from me completely, taken by people who were supposed to love me, people who were supposed to be on my side. It's times like this that I feel the hatred the most and I don't understand how any all powerful God could allow this to happen! What could I have possibly done at 2 years old to deserve to be raped by the man I called Daddy? What could I have possibly done to deserve such lifelong suffering??

I just don't understand!

From Blogger Pictures

Feeling it today.....

Went snowboarding yesterday for the first time this season and boy is my body telling me how out of shape I truly am! I don't think I have a single muscle in my body that doesn't hurt right now...but it's a good hurt and although it totally killed my bowling for the day I feel great! It was nice to get out on the mountain and ride!

We had Orion take a lesson since it is only his second season of riding and he needs some refreshing on the basics. I was concerned that he might fuss a lot or complain that they didn't take him up to the top of the mountain, but when we picked him up he ran out of his lesson with the biggest smile I have seen in YEARS!!! I'm serious! It was so heartwarming to see that smile! He was so happy, he fell down only once and that was because he was heading toward some skiers who stopped right in the middle of the trail and he doesn't go fast enough to maneuver around people quickly, so instead of crashing into them he opted to take a sit down. His instructor said he did awesome, he was connecting his turns and that by the end of next lesson he will be going to the top. She said he's a little hesitant, almost afraid, of his toe-edge, but he's getting it and that's the biggest thing. With a couple more lessons he should be up there riding with mom and dad all day long!! I can't wait for that day to come for a couple of reasons....one, it'll be great to ride with my boy and two it'll be nice to save the 50 bucks on lessons!

From Blogger Pictures

Thoughtful Thursday

Here's a story that will really make you wonder about my mother

When I was 4 years old my mother called all of us children to the kitchen. She had us all line up according to age facing her. Then, starting at the oldest, she handed each of us a cigarette. She explained, as she moved along the line of children, that she was teaching us early how bad smoking was and she was making it so we would never, ever, pick up a cigarette willingly and smoke it. After handing out the cigarettes to each of us, she went down the line again with a lighter and made each and every one of us (yes even me the 4 year old) smoke an entire cigarette each. These were my fathers cigarettes..camels with no filters. Supposedly the lack of a filter made it even worse tasting and she figured we would get sick and never smoke again.

Only her plan backfired big time!

That day I started my smoking habit! I loved the sensation it gave me, the light headedness, the relaxing sensation coursing through my brain as I sat there smoking what was supposed to taste nasty and make me puke. It was at this point that I decided my father was someone worth being near on occassion since he often would leave his cigarettes burning in the ash tray while he went to get a beer or something to eat. I would hide behind his easy chair until he got up and then I would grab that cigarette and inhale deeply, savoring the effect. By the time I was 5 1/2 I was stealing cigarettes on a regular basis, not just the ones he left smoking in the tray, but stealing whole ones out of the pack when he left them laying around and then sneaking off to the tree house to enjoy and relax. If it was winter I would go out behind the garage and pretend I was building a snow fort under the big weeping willow when in reality I was sucking on my release. By the time I was 8 I was walking the roads looking for cans and bottles for deposits money to cash in for my own packs of cigarettes...yes back then a kid could walk into the general store and buy her parents a pack of cigarettes or even beer without a hassle...only the cigarettes never quite made it to the grown-up I said they were for. By the time I was 14 years old I was on a 2 pack a day habit! I loved drinking and smoking, it made me forget the pain and suffering for awhile, on the down side I developed asthma. The doctor told me to stop smoking, but I refused until one day, after a really bad attack, the doctor took my cigarettes out of my purse, threw them into the trashcan and told me I had 2 choices....I could take those out of the trash and die or I could quit smoking and live. Something made me want to live so I quit cold turkey.

Quitting smoking is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done in my entire life and I owe it all to the crazy lady who thought it would be a good plan to introduce a stressed out 4 year old to her first cigarette!

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Lately when I think about my childhood I get a bunch of confused feelings. I think about the man who I had always thought was my father and I still refer to him as my father, but in reality was not my biological father. I now know that really my father was the neighbor who lived in the house behind ours...the guy who gave me the creeps! I remember looking out the bathroom window and seeing him looking toward our house and rapidly closing the curtians because I was sure he was looking at me. I remember him watching me play across the yard and feeling a bit wierd about him staring at me. I thought he was just another guy like my father, another pediphile who wanted to hurt me just like daddy and big brother #2. Now I wonder if it was really that he was a psycho like them or was he just being a distant father watching his daughter play wishing he could tell her the truth about who he was to her? Is it possible that he watched me and stared at me because he knew he was my father and not because he wanted to hurt me? Did I judge him unfairly because of the creeps who were in my life? And why didn't he do anything to help me? Did my mother really have that much influence that she could make him stay away from me and never tell me the truth? OR did he not know for sure I was his daughter and was always looking and staring to see if he could find some resemblance since he knew the timing of the affair and my birth?? I guess I'll never know the answers to my questions, but a part of me really wishes I had someone to ask. I might try asking my sister...the one who told me this mind altering news, maybe she knows if he knew or not. A part of me wants him to have known that I was his daughter and another part doesn't because if he knew I was his daughter but let me be abused the way I was....well then he's no better than anyone else in that town and he deserves the same bitterness toward him even more so than anyone else in that town. To allow your own child to be abused, beaten and raped, that is unforgivable! Like I said, it's all even more confusing than it ever was now that I know the truth...perhaps ignorance truly is bliss!

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Well, that's it for this weeks edition of Thoughtful Thursday. Remember, don't lie to your kids, especially about their parentage! Let them know they were adopted, let them know who their real parents are because when they grow up and find out the truth, they will be bitter, they will hurt from your lies and their hearts will be heavier because you didn't want to admit the truth. And trust me, eventually the truth will come out because everyone has someone like my big sister who can't keep their mouths shut forever and eventually they will slip!

From Blogger Pictures

WOOHOO

Got a new helmet for snowboarding today and can't wait to give it a run on Sunday! My old helmet was bought back in 1996 or 1997. We went snowboarding all the time back then, when we were in our 20's, newlyweds, and we both had great full-time jobs that paid really well. We had money flowing out our ears (should have saved better but who thinks about such things in their 20's eh?) It was awesome, we both worked 4 days a week, had 3 days off and we worked the same exact schedules. So every weekend we drove up north to the mountain that had the most snow, got a room at the hotel and enjoyed lots of riding by day and ...well you know newlywed type stuff by night! I was in the best shape of my life by spring of 1998, gosh I wish I had that body back lol Anyway, I got the new helmet today thanks to a gift certificate from my mother-in-law for Christmas and this Sunday we're packing up all of our gear and heading north to ride as a family! I can't wait

From Blogger Pictures

Back to school

Or as Orion calls it... THE EVIL S WORD!

Orion is not a fan of school, but regardless of his protests and his ability to fake being sick, he has to return today whether he wants to or not! Sorry kiddo, you got many more years of this school thing and someday it's going to cost thousands of dollars to go so you better get good grades while you can so the colleges will want you to attend for free (or close to free) cause I certianly can't afford it on my income!

Meanwhile I shall enjoy the peace and quiet that is a child free zone for 6 whole hours! 6 hours to clean without destruction 10 seconds afterward, 6 hours to fold and put away laundry, 6 hours to relax and enjoy some alone time.

Now I fully appreciate those song lyrics "and Mom and Dad can hardly wait for school to start again"

From Blogger Pictures

Testing, testing

Just testing out my signature box and the new background etc. Hoping everything looks ok. The signature isn't really new, just made smaller and being hosted from a different location.

From Blogger Pictures

Regardless of my efforts, I'm still a helpless female afterall

Yep, I tried not to be, honest I did. I was doing pretty darn good too...until the end!

See we had a lot of snow last night, about 8 to 10 inches and I have a good sized driveway that I do not like to shovel. Since the kennel is closed for the weekend (because of the new years holiday) we could not go snowboarding as a family and hubby went up with the guys.

Orion let me sleep in and relax until around 10am! But then I had to make him breakfast and head out to clear the driveway. I started up that snowblower with ease and powered through the snow, I was doing great. I got the entire driveway cleared, moved my car and snowblowed around where my car had been. Then it was time to put my car back into its regular spot.

This was the tricky part...see hubby just got a new (well new to us that is) car and he took the keys with him so I couldn't move it. I had to work my car around his, in the snow, without hitting it. BTW...our driveway has a hill so it's not as easy as it sounds! As I back up the car gravity takes over on ice and the car starts to slide. I turned the steering wheel so it wouldn't hit his new baby and instead I slid backwards into the snowbank. I tried to go forward, but on the hill with crap for tires (hubby is replacing those tomorrow) it just wasn't working. So I came inside and had Orion come out to help me...I had him hit the gas while I tried to push. He managed to get it to inch forward so I had him reverse and then go forward again, did that a few times but it wasn't working. So I came inside and grabbed some kitty litter...great idea except we use clumping litter and it's just not the same apparently. Either that or I just don't have enough in my back to push that damn car up a hill! Next door neighbor finishes up snowblowing his driveway, sees me struggling with the car (and yes, in case you're wondering, I was close to tears by now) and he came to my rescue. I searched the garage for an old piece of wood to put under the tire that was in the snowbank and as Orion hit the gas he helped me push the car up the hill!


Leave it to me to be the helpless female who has to have a man come and rescue her.

Thoughts on resolutions

In general I don't make new years resolutions. I'm the type of person who tends to try to take each day as it comes and not promise myself I'll change something because tomorrow usually throws me a loop hole and suddenly I've broken my promise, failed at my resolution and that just kills what little self-esteem I have. Nope, I'm not one to deal with failure well, especially when it's my own.

So when my son asked me this morning what my new years resolution was, I went for something easy...I'll try to get the laundry folded and put away the day it gets washed instead of living out of the dryer and laundry baskets like we usually do. Alas...tonight I sit here, laundry in the dryer and no motivation to put it away! Yep, just like I knew would happen, I failed yet again. But when I asked my son what his resolution was, his reply cought me off guard

"I'm gonna try to not be such a butthead"

Yep, those are his exact words! He knows he gets angry, he knows he snaps like an alligator getting poked with a sharp stick. It's a common occurrance with the beginning of puberty, testosterone surging through his little veins making him all grumpy and irritable (say nothing about the side effects of adderral) Between the 2 our lives have been a nightmare recently and he knows it. If he can take on the challenge of his buttheadedness, then maybe I should try a little harder at the laundry thing, I'll start tomorrow and see where it leads me.

So what else can I try to change in the coming year? What other things do I want to see differently in another year? In my blog world, I want to see myself get better at posting my Thoughtful Thursdays. They really are good for my soul, they help me move onward and upward and I realized today that the past bothers me more when I don't put it into the computer and let it go. So I resolve to post those on as many Thursdays as possible. As for the rest of the week, I am going to try to blog at least every other day, talk about my boy, my life, my hubby, whatever comes to my mind :) In my personal world...I'm going to try to be a better parent, stick to my punishments no matter how much he cries and fusses about it not being fair. I'm going to be a better wife and be more tolerant of my poor husband who works so very hard to make our lives as comfortable as possible. I'm going to work very hard to become a better housewife and clean more than I do...I'm not the best at it I'll admit it. I have more "junk drawers" than any ordinary person should and I need to start making a new use for the drawers. I need to stop stacking things on my office desk to file and just file them away. I may be asking too much of myself if I said I was going to succeed at these things, so I'll go with I will try and maybe, just maybe, if I try hard enough I'll surprise myself and be a better person than I am today.

So what's your resolution? If a 9 year old can resolve to not be such a butthead then I'm sure you can think of something too!

Good-bye 2009, Welcome 2010

So here we are, another year gone behind us. Honestly I can't even believe it! Seems to me that it was just yesterday when I decided I needed to take a pregnancy test. I knew I was pregnant, I could feel it in my very deepest feelings. I simply knew I was pregnant. I was a week away from when AF was due to arrive, but I just knew I was pregnant.

I can remember it like it was yesterday anyway...when I think about it I can still feel it, the excitement as I went to the store and bought the test. I knew it wasn't going to be a waste of money, I knew I would have the 2 lines to show my husband. I had that smile that goes from ear to ear and I could have easily been described as "glowing"! It took me forever to figure out which test to buy, so many different tests and all of them claiming to be able to tell you before any of the others could. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? Someone has to be the fastest at showing results! I mean seriously people, that should be against the law.....confusing a potentially pregnant woman, making her life more difficult than it already is? This is probably the most important test she'll ever take and you want to make it hard on her deciding which test to take?? HOW CRUEL!!

ANYWAY, I'm guessing you can feel my anxiety and excitement...and if you can't you've never WANTED to be pregnant! I had wanted to get pregnant for years, hubby wasn't ready, hubby was way behind me in that department. He had only a month before decided that yes, we could go ahead and stop the pills and let mother nature take her course. He just didn't think it would happen quite so fast. I think he thought he had a few months to get used to the idea since I had been taking the pills for so long....POOR GUY! He did not know the power of my womanhood, my desire to be a mother! I had the go ahead and my body was listening to the call!

It's amazing to me today, as we enter 2010, that all this was 10 years ago!!! January 2, 2000 I passed the most important test of my life! I was indeed pregnant! Hubby made me take the test again later on just to prove beyond all doubt that I was pregnant, but nothing will ever compare to watching those 2 lines appear on that little white stick! It was instant, not some slow progress thing. It screamed out at me..."YES! YOU ARE PREGNANT!"

Oh joy of joys....little did I know how fast life would change, it's a welcomed change, but it's still a huge change from the life I knew back then. The past 10 years I have watched my son go from tiny belly bean using ultrasound to a big boy with a mind of his own. In the next 10 I get to watch him grow from boy to man...so welcome 2010, I'm looking forward to all the thrills your decade will bring me.

AHHHHH the perfect sound...........

the sound of silence!

Pure peaceful quiet!

In case you couldn't guess....the boy is at my in-laws for a couple days :)

LMAO so funny I just have to share

The neighbors grandkids are up from Maryland and Orion has them over here right now playing with him for about an hour. They're in Orions room, which is right next to this room. As I'm sitting here reading blogs and trying to figure out what to write about today I hear the boys playing video games and having fun...then I hear this:

Orion: "Oh man you stupid idiot! I hate when the game does that friggin' crap!"

slight pause of total silence

Orion "OH MY GOD! DO NOT REPEAT THAT!"

one of the boys: "why not say friggin crap?"

Orion: "I just told you not to repeat that! My mom hates it and if she heard me she would put soap in my mouth!"

one of the boys: "NO WAY! She puts soap in your mouth? Like in the movie?"

this is followed by lots of laughter from the other 2 boys

perhaps now he'll stop saying such words! I do put soap in his mouth because he says Friggin' and crap in just about every sentence that comes out of his mouth....occassionally he slips and says the real swear words instead. It's worst when he's not medicated (like today) but it's really annoying to say the least! I tell him all the time how bad it makes him sound, but he can't seem to stop so I have resulted to taking drastic measures!

We have a new member in our family........

his name is MR. INTER NET and he scares the living daylights out of me!

See my son wanted internet access for Christmas, we talked, we worried and we finally decided that with limits he would be allowed access on his computer. Today he was set up, parental controls are stronger than Fort Knox and I feel deeply sorry for the fool that tries to talk to my child in any game room online! Mama Bear was probably a bit over protective...I put in so many keywords into the blocked information that my poor kid can't seem to google much of anything lol BUT he's not getting kidnapped, or worse on my watch and darn it, he is only 9 so no way in hades is he having full access to this big bad world that I browse through on a daily basis! See just the other day I tried searching for Pokemon clues for Orion and you know what I found...the first webpage on google said it was pokemon information but turned out to be naked people doing some pretty funky stuff that made me blush!!! THANK GOD the boy was not in the room!!!!!!!

What a wonderful Christmas it was..........

Orion had the hardest time falling asleep Christmas Eve, he took 2 benedryl (that he asked for) and finally fell asleep around 10:30 or so. He slept until just past 5:30 in the morning, then quietly crept out to see if Santa had managed to bring him anything. What he found made his jaw drop and his eyes go all aglow! He had a stocking so stuffed it was about to burst, and 10 new presents that weren't there before, all wrapped in brand new, definately not bought by mom, wrapping paper!

Of course this brought him running (not so quietly) back to our room to drag dad out of bed! With happy laughter and smiles he opened everything from the big guy first...what a generous guy he really is! Indeed he must have taken to heart the note that was left with his cookies that read:

"Dear Santa,

Please feed the carrots to the reindeer the cookies are for you.

p.s. I tried to be good this year.

Sincirly,

Orion"

Funny how he can spell "reindeer" but messed up on "Sincirly" I love how kids write :)

Of course after opening up the big guys presents, he headed for the ones from Mom and Dad. First one he picks up we THOUGHT was the helicopter we had bought...but alas it was the extra PS3 controller lol You should have seen his face, it was awesome! He looks at this controller and goes ballistic...."I got the PS3, you bought me the PS3!" Over and over again, he was estatic! So we let him open that one next lol

The best part of the day was how I had wrapped all the extra goodies to go with the new Nintendo DSi separately and let him open those first...so as he's opening them he's giving me a hard time because I bought the wrong car charger, the wrong size carrying case etc. He was telling me how I had better of saved the receipts so I could go back and get the stuff for DS lite instead...then I handed him the package that had the DSi inside...he was speachless! He hadn't even asked for it, but I knew he wanted it so I got it :)

The second best part was his face when we got over to my in-laws and Orion was told by his 2 uncles that they had something for him in the living room that was too big to wrap. They walked him in and had him pull the blanket off to reveal an electric dirt bike! Again, my son stood there speachless! TWICE IN ONE DAY!!! Of course he didn't get to use it because we did indeed have the white christmas I've been dreaming of for ever so long ....complete with a fresh dusting Christmas Eve ! It was truly a really good day!

Today Orion is hanging out in the living room playing with his new PS3 (can't get him to put down the controller) and he's enjoying his vacation away from school and stress. I even let him go without his meds today...which drives me a little bonkers but it's worth it when I see that happy smiling (albeit wild) child of mine!

Quote/Question of the day......

"OMG it's only 1:23???? WHY does Christmas Eve take so long mom???"

Getting ready for the big man in red

Yep, we get another year of the belief in Santa Clause, we'll be following him on the NORAD website tomorrow to see where he is in the world all day long!

So in anticipation of his arrival we have purchased the cookie dough to bake for Santa and carrot sticks and brocolli crowns for the reindeer. So this year Daddy gets to be Santa and I get to be reindeer and between the two of us the magic of Santa lives on :) To tell you the truth, I'm happy he still believes!

Still dreaming and hoping....signs are looking good!

Weatherman says that thanks to all this we now have a 95% chance of a White Christmas! Temps are supposed to remain in the 20's through Wednesday, then Christmas Eve raise up to 35 degrees. I don't think the 35 degrees will be enough to completely melt 20 inches of snowfall!

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Orion had lots of fun "skim boarding" in the back yard since we don't have a huge hill there.

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Don't worry, I did take him over behind the school for some real sledding but since it was snowing (still is even now at 4:30pm) I didn't take the camera over...it's not waterproof!
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Also had fun just rolling in the snow!

And showing off his snow-made mustache and beard :)

What a perfect end to fall and beginning of winter!

Now our White Christmas dreams have a real possibility of coming true!

We're Dreaming

White Christmas Video
I grew up in Vermont where having a Christmas that wasn't white was unheard of. Now I live a bit further south and according to the weather.com we have a 25% chance of a white Christmas. So I crank up this little song every Christmas as I dream about having white stuff on the ground on December 25th. We've come close before, but usually it all melts before the day arrives and we don't get it afterall. Tonight it's supposed to snow, it was supposed to start around 4pm but here we are at 5:30pm and we haven't seen a single flake. Weather.com has changed the prediction of start time to 9pm and then it's supposed to snow for close to 24 hours! Orion and I are hoping, we're dreaming....can the snow come and dump enough to last until Friday???? We really hope so!


So call out to the powers that be, whoever you believe runs the weather...if it could just stay cold enough thru Friday we could actually have snow on the ground for Christmas....if it warms up like the weatherman is predicting then all is lost and we won't have the white Christmas we are dreaming of and it will remain a song on CD that we sing along to.

An update on my last post about the ADHD battle

First off I sent the teacher a note asking her to call me so we could discuss Orion in further detail, afterall I need more than a few numbers on paper to get the full picture of how he's doing. I spoke with her on the phone for about a half an hour and by the end I felt a lot better about Orion in school.

First off, it's not that he doesn't interact well with the other children, it's more that when things don't go his way he withdraws and pouts but does not continue working with the group to finish the task at hand. This (I believe) comes from being an only child and always getting his way. He never has to compromise with another child here at home so when he wants to do something we generally are able to do it. I am sure that with time he will learn how to deal with this sort of thing and continue working with the group instead of just being upset about it not being the way he thinks it should be. He never argues with the kids or yells or abuses them in any way what-so-ever. The teacher said she sees him interacting with the same few boys everyday during snack and a totally different group when he's out at recess, but he's always hanging out with other kids, not withdrawing or sticking to himself. In general he's a happy well rounded sort of kid and she never sees aggression of any kind.

What she does see is the inability to pay attention! She will be giving the class instructions and half way through she'll notice that he's off in la-la land daydreaming or just zoning out. She is constantly redirecting him back to his work and it's interfering with the class because she has to watch him very closely which takes her attention away from other students. So it's not that he's not smart (of course I already knew that) it's just that he doesn't get full instructions so he only completes part of the task....thus the lower grades since he will hand in only partially completed work and can't get full credit on it. For tests she has to have him sit at the table right next to her desk so that she can keep on him and make sure he completes the test...and when he does complete the tests he always get A's! This shows that he does not suffer from a learning disability at all (again I already knew this).

So in order to combat this situation and help him get better grades in the next term we are working together to come up with a solution. First off, she told Orion that for every lesson he is to make sure he raises his hand at least 3 times...this will help him pay attention because he'll have to know the answer to the question and it will also help him learn to speak louder (he mumbles a lot, afraid to give the wrong answer) plus he'll have to pay attention to how many times he's raised his hand. At the end of each week she will report back to me how he is doing in this area. As for me, I talked to his doctor and we will be upping his dose of Adderrall XR to 30mg dosage. She does not feel that switching his meds at this time is a good idea because 1) it could have worse side effects and we don't want to have that happen at school and 2) the aggression seems to be an at home only thing when the meds are leaving his body so it is something we can combat and win against. First, we'll give him an added dose of 5 mg in the afternoon to help make the meds leave his body more smoothly...I know it sounds wierd but apparently it actually works. Second we will work on changing our parenting strategies a little bit to better accommodate his unique situation. For instance my husband is going to have to learn to be more tolerant when he gets home from work and Orion is at the worst point of the meds leaving his body...thus his highest point of aggression. He needs to be left alone at this time and of course Daddy wants to talk to him and ask how his day was...not a good combination really. Daddy is going to have to learn to wait a bit. We also need to work on ignoring some of his actions when he's not on meds so as to stop feeding his low self-esteem. Right now the poor kid feels like he can't do anything right because we are constantly on his case about his bad behavior or his wild and crazy ways. He's being stifled as a person because we can't tolerate a little wildness. Of course this doesn't mean we stop being parents and let him get away with everything, but we do need to tolerate more than we do because he is his own unique person and he needs to let loose sometime regardless of how much we want him to be the perfect little boy. He's not going to stop running in the hall, he's not going to stop having the activity level that he has when he is not on his meds and we need to learn to tolerate that a little better and work with it. I will be bringing out my mini trampoline for him to use and help him get rid of some of his energy in a safe manner, I'm also going to look around for some indoor playgrounds that I can take him to where he can let loose and have fun. I think once he starts paying better attention in school and getting better grades because of it and he's allowed to relax at home and get away with a little bit of wildness he'll be a much happier boy and I'll start seeing less aggression and sadness out of him and more smiles and laughter in its place....at least I hope so!

Not sure what to do...an ADHD vent

My poor boy has ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) He has struggled with it for years although he was not medicated until the end of 2nd grade when things got really bad for him and everyone finally saw what I saw and agreed that he was out of hand. Currently he's on 25 mg of adderral XR (extend release) and I don't want to go any higher because he doesn't gain weight well and his height has slowed down since going on the meds.....however I just received his report card and it is clear that he is struggling socially and in his study habits. He can't get started to save his life, he struggles to complete tasks on time, he doesn't participate well in class discussions, and he doesn't show much effort at all. I think this all comes from him not getting started well so then no matter how hard he tries it initially looks like he's not trying. He has mostly B's for his grades which is fine, honestly I know he's smart enough to do the work, he's just a bit lazy about doing stuff that he deems unnecessary or "stupid". His lack of effort and lack of desire to do the work hurts his grades and I am sure if he put out a greater effort initially he would get better grades overall.

I just worry a lot about his social skills. He does not participate well in class discussions, he doesn't interact well with the other kids. He struggles with basic social skills and gets easily frustrated with the other children. At home he is bitter and angry a lot and he has no clue as to why. I have read on the internet many people saying that adderral caused this kind of thing to happen to their children and I wonder if maybe I should concider changing his meds. Problem is, up until now the adderall was doing great. Suddenly it's not so great and he's struggling. I don't want to cause an issue at school if a different medication didn't work as well which could cause far worse problems. I just don't know what to do! All I can do is hope that I can figure out an answer soon!

So proud of my little man

As a parent I often find myself worrying and wondering if I am making the right choices when it comes to raising my son. Am I teaching him the right way to be? Am I making sure he grows up to be the kind of person I will be proud of? Then the holidays come around and I find myself wondering if I am teaching him the right things...like the true meaning of the holiday and the real spirit of Christmas.

I know many people say that the true meaning of Christmas has to do with Jesus and his birth...although I know in fact that it is impossible for Jesus to have born on December 25th because the weather described in the bible is not correct. It has been scientifically proven that it's not possible for Jesus (whether son of God or not) to have been born in the month of December. So in my house, that is not the meaning of the holiday. Chrismas in our house is all about giving to the ones we love, showing them that we care about them and that we know who they are as people. We share of ourselves, we give thoughtful and meaningful gifts, we show those we love that they are special to us. I try to let my son know that this attitude should be there all year long, but this time of year, Christmas time, is a time to really go all out and show our love for others. It's not about getting, it's about giving.

So every year I have Orion save some of his allowance to buy gifts for his grandparents, uncles, his dad and his teacher (if the school allows it). I don't really care if he gets me anything, it's ok if he really can't afford it, but I want him to know that him showing good will toward others is my Christmas gift because it shows me that I am doing it right. In years past he has bought jewelry for his grandmother...just little stuff that only a grandmother would love and then sweaters or something like that for his grandfather and his uncles. Then he usually gets his father a gift card to McDonalds because Daddy goes up north every weekend to snowboard and needs to eat on the way. This year was different!

This year he bought a really nice tea lite tray and a snowglobe for his grandmother because he knows she likes those kinds of things. For his grandfather he bought him a new tennis racket and tennis balls because Grampy loves to play tennis with his buddies every weekend in the summer. For his 2 uncles he got them each charging stations for their cell phones and i-pods because they need a place to put them where they won't lose them. And for daddy...he bought him a nice heated neck massager because his neck always hurts and my arthritis often makes it hard for me to massage him and he got him a season DVD of X-men because that's his favorite cartoon/comic book. He says he has plans for me but he's going to need daddy's help because he's a little short on cash and he doesn't want to buy it with me. All in all he saved up over $100 for his shopping and he was very thoughtful in picking each and every gift!

So a hearty pat on the back to me because I clearly am doing it right and my boy is a great thoughtful kid....even if I do say so myself!

Thoughtful Thursday

In light of the season.....


I have recently been visited by the ghost of Christmas Past and he showed me a few of my happy memories along with a few of the not so happy ones.

First he showed me a little girl running with her big brother and big sisters out to pile into the car the day after Thanksgiving. They all fought and argued over who would get the front seat and who would be stuck in the back seat. After piling into the blue Chevy sedan the mother waddles up to the car with an axe in hand and she climbs into the front seat, they drive away laughing and joking that the axe would be used on anyone who suggested a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree".

They drove along a country road until they found a small area to pull the car along side some woods and they all jump out and run off into the trees all searching for that perfect tree. There is no greater honor in the family than finding that perfect tree before the others because then it's YOUR tree! I could see the children laughing and running through the forest, yelling out to one another to be sure no one got lost. The little one finally yells out "It's here, hurry everyone come and see! I found the perfect tree!!" Everyone runs to her side and there before her is the most beautiful, full and tall tree you've ever seen! It is indeed the PERFECT tree! Big brother grabs the axe out of mothers hand and begins to chop! The girls all stand back and yell "TIMBER" as the tree falls to the ground, then they all grab a branch and together they drag that perfect tree out of the woods and put it on top of the car! The little one gets the front seat because it was she who found the perfect tree!

Second the ghost showed me that same little girl a couple of years later. She was watching her mother hard at work. Her mother had a square board in front of her that she had painted black and now she was taping off that board to make squares. She painted those squares red, it was obviously a checker board and the little girl hoped that her mother was maybe making it for her. We then flash-forwarded to Christmas morning where the little girl observed the beautiful checkerboard sitting under the tree, red bow attached and a small bag that contained little red and black pieces of wood. The little girl cautiously peeks at the tag, hoping to see her name there....she is saddened by what she reads for two reasons....one, it doesn't have her name on it, two it says "From: Santa" That day she discovered that Santa was not a real elf who came down the chimney and left presents for good boys and girls :(

Finally the ghost showed me a day that I shall never forget...that little girl was more grown up now, she was beginning to understand that Santa was a spirit and that he could live inside people hearts. She was 11 years old, fresh in the foster care system, living in her 4th home in as many months. Apparently it's hard to place 4 children aged 11, 14, 15, and 17 all in the same home and keep them together so they had been moving from temporary foster home to temporary foster home in the hopes of finding a more permanant home for them to stay in. It was Christmas morning when a knock came on the door and Santa Clause stood on the threshold. His sleigh was parked out front and he was holding a huge green bag. The girls foster mother let him in and he walked right up to her, opened his giant sack and proceeded to hand her gifts. One after another he handed her boxes and wrapped packages, some with her name, some with her brothers and sisters names. There were sweaters, toys, stuffed animals and books that she had desired to read. There were notepads with purple pens just like she really wanted but never dreamed she would receive....and there was a checkerboard painted black and red with a red bow and a bag of little black and red pieces of wood! Santa gave her a hug and appologized for not making it to her house previous years and went on his way. It was a magical moment that she would not soon forget, the moment she realized that her foster mother must really care since she had recently told her the story of the checkerboard and how it had broken her heart to realize Santa was not real. Much like the Grinch, she realized that Christmas was so much more and she cried!

~~~~~~~~~

May you all be visited by your own ghost of Christmas Past and may he show you the happier memories and why even the sad ones are important!

Poor boy can't catch a break

Took him in for his annual well check today, of course when I picked him up from school he was lethargic and tired. He fell asleep on my shoulder in the waiting room at 3 in the afternoon, , then laid down on the table as soon as we got into the room and fell back to sleep! Poor kid has severe bronchitis now, he hasn't even finished the antibiotics for his strep throat!!! They told me to have him finish that antibiotic and gave us azithromax for the bronchitis. He also has to use flovent inhaler 2X a day and albutural inhaler every 4 hours until he gets better. If he doesn't improve within 3 to 4 days I have to take him back for chest x-rays to check for pneumonia!


My poor kid needs a break! I'm sick and tired of him being sick and tired!

Another 2000 word post :)

This is the thanks that I get...........

After standing in the pouring FREEZING rain for hours on end waiting to save hubby and me a small fortune I get a kid with the flu and strep throat AND my own dose of the same!


Yep that's where I've been all week long....sick in bed with my sick boy! Friday, shortly after posting, my mother in law called to see if I was on my way yet? Of course I wasn't, afterall I wasn't supposed to get to her place until somewhere between 3 and 4 in the afternoon so I had plenty of time. Well she wasn't trying to be a nag or anything....nope my son was white as a ghost, wrapped up in a hoodie and numerous blankets shivering on her couch begging to go home! She gives her usual line of "I think he feels a little warm, but he's really not himself and maybe you could come pick him up early" so being the good mom that I am I skip lunch and rush right over.


When I arrive, I find him sleeping on her couch...it's 2:30 in the afternoon so I know he has to be sick...and when I kiss his forehead to wake him up I can feel the heat before I even touch his skin!!!! He was burning up! He could barely walk to the car and as soon as I got him settled into a seatbelt he curled up and went back to sleep. It was a quiet drive home. I got him home and he had a fever of nearly 104 so I tucked him in on the couch with remote controls and an x-box controller, got him some motrin and a cool wash cloth for his forehead. He slept practically all afternoon and into the night, I woke him up only to get him to sip some ginger ale and take some motrin or tylenol to get that fever down....and no matter how hard I tried it tried back and I couldn't get it below 102!

Saturday morning I call the peds office to get him seen.....they tell me he has the flu and not to bring him in. I explain that there have only been 2 other times in this childs life that he spiked a fever like this and both times he had strep throat and I wanted a culture done. They made me an appointment with the lab and told me not to come to the doctors office because they were sure this was the flu. They did a rapid flu and a rapid strep test...I told them to make sure they let that strep test grow overnight because I knew it was not going to come out positive until the morning. Rapid tests never come out positive for me and they have never come out positive for him. I was right of course...his rapid flu test came back positive but the strep was negative. The next morning they were calling me first thing to tell me what I already knew...he had Strep throat along with the flu and needed antibiotics. So this is now 3 times in my 9 year olds life that he has had strep...not a bad record!


In the meantime I could tell I too was coming down with it...body aches, sore throat, cough, fever etc. First thing Monday I have to call my doctor and get an appointment to get seen so I can get a strep test too. I go in there with a sick kid (hubby had to work so no choices there) and gee...big surprise the rapid strep test came back negative. The doctor of course is smart....she looks at my history and says it would be useless to grow this overnight and why should I wait another 24 hours to get on antibiotics and she gives me my very own antibiotic prescription right there. No time wasted...I go home with my bottle of pills and 103 fever and sick kiddo. We have fought the good fight, he is FINALLY back in school and I am somewhat feeling almost normal. My body aches quite a bit still, my fever is down though and I feel human enough to go out and do my food shopping!


Sadly the sickness made it so that we could not get our Christmas tree the Friday after Thanksgiving as is my tradition (I'm blaming hubby knowing he HATES the tree going up so early AND he's the only one in the house who didn't get sick....perhaps he planted the germs on purpose???) so this afternoon Orion and I are going out and getting our tree. We do not do fake trees in this house, I will not allow it! To have a fake tree would be a sin in my eyes and so today we will go out and pick out our tree, we will set it up and we will decorate and make this a festive home!