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Friday, January 20, 2012

I know it's late....

But better late than never right?

So as I mentioned last week, I have been reflecting. I spent last week thinking about where I was, where I came from and how it effects me today. It was a rough week but I feel I came out on top. I don't like to stay in the past, it's not good there, it's dark and deep and leaves ya feeling like you need a shower. It was extra emotional for me because menopause was acting up and my hormones were all over the place, but I came through, once again, thanks to my cousin Candy! 

Honestly I think I would be lost without that girl in my life...she really knows the right things to say at the right time to make you laugh and feel better about everything. Sometimes I wonder how she can be a member of this family of ours cause she is pretty flipping AWESOME! Pretty birthday in fact, I am hopefully going to be seeing her face to face for the first time in over 20 years! The Hubby and Wild Child are taking me up to the tippy top of Maine for a snowboarding vacation for my birthday and we just so happen will be driving through her town around we're gonna try to work it out so that we can meet for lunch...I TOTALLY can not wait! I'll get a picture of her and me together to post on here if she lets me...and I'm betting she'll let me since she actually reads this blog regularly :)

Onward to week two of my reflection....where am I now??

Right now I'm in a pretty good place mentally and emotionally. I have come to fully understand that I can not change my past, it is what it is. I have also come to finally understand that saying that everyone used to tell me "Life is what you make of it" and that's what I'm working on now. 

Life Is What You Make Of what have I made?? I have made a pretty good life I think, something I can be proud of (or at least most of it) I've made some mistakes that I'm not so proud of, but those moments, those mistakes, my husband and child have helped me through those. Those days when I was in the deepest pits of despair, where I thought life was never going to be the same or was just not worth living, those days my husband seemed to just know that I needed a hug and helped me through. I managed to somehow find a man that may not be perfect, but is perfect for me! There are days when I just feel BLAH and he'll see it. He'll ask what's wrong, I'll say nothing...he'll give me that look and ask again. He asks over and over until he gets the answer because he just knows that I'm trying to put on a brave face when I'm really hurting inside...and he does not like to see me hurting. Even The Wild Child is learning that a hug for mom will go a long ways and the best ones come out of the blue when they are least expected. My little man is growing up, and he's becoming a man that I feel so proud of that it brings tears to my eyes. When I want to know what kind of life I have made, I look into his eyes and I know. I made a good life and I like it here.

I have learned that when I need a more soft touch of emotion, when I need to vent about the things of the past or try to figure out things that are going on around me involving my old life, I turn to Candy more than anyone else. She listens, she talks and she brings a light to my dark path. Although my hubby and Wild Child are awesome at fixing the here and now, I don't like to take them back there. I don't like for them (especially the Wild Child) to see that dark world. They are my light at the end of my tunnel, Candy is my candle that sees me through...because Candy has been there and she knows our genes carry evil. She, like me, has had to work through family crap and since it's the same family...she gets it. She and I seem to have a similar view on moving forward and leaving the junk behind us. When I begin to wander off my path, she leads me back and reminds me to keep looking at the two lights at the end of my tunnel. Candy is my Cousin, My sister, and my Friend! I am very happy to have her back in my life :-)

Next week......Where Am I Going??

Monday, January 16, 2012

This is a test

Checking out the blog posting app that I just put on my cell phone. Now I can post from the computer or the phone when I'm on the go :-)

Some people just can't be helped.........

         WARNING: This post may seem cold hearted to some, if you are offended STOP READING! I need to get this off my chest!

          I think I'm going to give up, I can not stand to watch my efforts go to waste! I have tried to talk reason, I have tried to make her understand, but some people just can not be helped! Some people are just pathetic and sad and have warped views on the world. I have been lied to for the last time!

          I'm of course talking about my Sissy. Don't get me wrong, I love her, she's my sister afterall, but this is the last straw! About 4 months ago she sent me a text that she was hiding out in her van, apparently the guy she was madly in love with had a bad habit of bashing her head off the floor. She had finally decided she needed to get out of there and go into hiding because she supposedly feared for her life. She left him, left her things at his house and went to live with a friend of hers in another state. They had been high school sweethearts and he was still madly in love with her so he of course took her in. She sent texts that she was so happy there, she was never ever leaving, she was where she belonged. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. She texted that she was going to get a gun and learn how to shoot properly because she feared for her life still. Her ex had been sending her threatening messages on her phone, telling her she had made a huge mistake leaving him. She was so scared that she had her oldest boy go to the ex boyfriends house to collect her things that he had left out on the porch because she was too afraid to go back herself. Then the holidays came and she started to get depressed because her kids weren't texting her as much, they have their own lives and they never sent her a text without her sending one first. She complained that she hated the holidays because it only reminded her of how her family had fallen apart. I felt bad for her, but I had a lot of my own concerns as well. I had just lost my main source of income and I didn't know what I was going to do about paying bills and I was stressing Christmas presents and money. One day while cleaning, she found an engagement ring, her high school sweetheart was intending to propose on New Years Day. She freaked out big time! She told him she couldn't get married, it wasn't fair to him when she was so messed up. She continued to sink and wallow in her depression. Then the other day she decided she was leaving, she told me she was still madly in love with her ex. I tried to tell her all the reasons she shouldn't go back to him, tried to remind her of what he had done....she said he did it out of desperation, she called it a "crime of passion" She also said she wasn't going back to him, that she was smarter than that but that she still loved him and she couldn't help that. My gut told me she was lying. Then I found out she had definite plans to head back to Ohio, she said she needed to be near her kids, that they kept her grounded. She said she was staying with one of her "adopted" kids (in other words a friend of one of her kids) until she could get her own place.

Yesterday she left her high school sweetheart and all day I waited to hear that she had arrived safe and sound, when evening came and I had heard nothing I began to worry. I sent her texts asking if she was ok, no replies came. I contacted her high school sweetheart who informed me that she had sent word at 11:30 in the morning that she had arrived but he hadn't heard from her since. I sent a text to her daughter to see if she had heard from her...her daughter didn't even know she was moving back to Ohio. Her daughter tried to call the friend  she claimed she was staying with...the phone had been disconnected. I mentioned that I was worried she might have gone back to her ex and her daughter said she wouldn't have been that stupid. I messaged her other daughter on facebook and she had known that Sissy was thinking about moving back but didn't know it was definite. She too tried to contact her mother....and then sent me a message that Sissy was indeed with her ex!

Honestly I don't understand how she can do this. Of course her high school sweetheart tells me to just be happy that she's happy...I can't do that. She has lied to me and placed herself back into a dangerous situation. Her high school sweetheart says maybe he changed...over 4 months? I doubt it! People like that, guys who have habits of bashing their girlfriends heads into the floor...they don't change. And even if he did somehow change, it does not change the fact that she lied to me outright! She told me she was not going back to him, that she was staying with someone else. It's not like I could have stopped her...I may have disagreed but I really couldn't do anything to make her not go....yet she lied to me and then did the exact opposite of what she said she wasn't going to do. Honestly, I have been lied to by her for the last time..I shall not believe anything she says to me ever again without first seeing the proof. I can't believe someone who grew up in our world would CHOOSE to go and live in that situation! I have always said...I don't care how much I love a man or how much he loves me, if any man ever laid a hand on me I would be out. Even right now, if my husband laid a hand on me I would leave even though we have been together almost 21 years! There is NEVER an excuse to strike someone, there is never an excuse to bash a persons head into the floor. That's why domestic violence is against the law! If she wants to choose to live that life, she can do it without me...I'm all done. I will be here and talk to her but I will not sympathize the next time he beats the crap out of her and nearly kills her....and believe me there will be a next time!

Friday, January 13, 2012

Thoughtful Thursday

It's a hard life, coming from an abusive home and living in society trying to be all normal like. It's never easy to feel like you fully fit in with those smiling happy people who all  talk about their wonderful parents and siblings. There are many days that I truly wish I could of had a normal life too, a life where my biggest complaint is that my parents grounded me for staying out too late with my friends, a life where I got into trouble and my punishment was a time out. Yeah, I have my moments where I feel like having a pity party and wish I could just smack someone, fortunately those moments are becoming fewer and farther between.

It's this time of year where I find myself feeling it the most, the few weeks before my birthday. I tend to reflect more and think about where I was, where I am, and where I want to be. I'll spend this week thinking about where I was, where I came from, my horrible nightmare of an existence. I'll spend the following week thinking about where I am currently both mentally and emotionally. That week will be a good week I am sure, since I know I am in a better place than I was last year. The week of my actual birthday will be the week where I think about where I want to go and what changes I want to make before my next birthday. This is where I make my New Years Resolutions, I don't make them on January 1st, I make them on MY new year, my just makes better sense to me.

So this week...Where was I? Where did I come from?

I came from a really bad life...plain and simple. I grew up in a home where I was raped by my sperm donor, my evil older brother, my uncle and my egg donor's boyfriend....and I was beaten and abused by the egg donor as well. She even tried to kill me! I was constantly reminded by her and my siblings that I was supposed to be a little pill, I wasn't supposed to be born, I wasn't supposed to exist. I was the bane of their existence. My life was a living hell! It was the kind of life that most people don't even believe exists because they don't want to believe that there are those kind of people in this world, no one wants to believe that a child of 2 years old can be raped and they want to believe that maternal instinct prevents people from beating the children they give birth to.

I remember one year in high school, I think it was 9th grade but might have been 10th, where we were assigned a paper in English class. We had to write a speech and present it to the class, I don't remember what the full assignment was exactly but I remember the paper I wrote. I wrote about child abuse and I personalized it. I don't remember the exact words but it started like this:

"Imagine you're a two year old little girl and your daddy just came home from work. It's late at night and everyone else is asleep"

I told the class to close their eyes, then told them to imagine themselves as a 2 year old being raped by daddy, a 4 year old being raped by your brother, a 6 year old being raped by your uncle, a 10 year old being raped by your mothers boyfriend. I took that class into my world, I told them the details, the smell of cigarettes, the weight of the man you were supposed to trust crushing down on you to keep you quiet. I told them about the beatings at the hand of the woman who gave birth to me, her words echoed in their ears.  I took that class into my world.....then I said this line:

"You have just imagined my life"

I'll never forget their faces when I said that. There were students in that class who grew up with me, who knew me before I went into foster care. The same people who watched that nice lady with the long brown hair take me out of my classroom that next to last day of 5th grade. They had known me and thought me a weird kid. They had laughed at me and picked on me for being weird...and now they understood. Some looked shocked, some looked appalled, some had no expression and I wonder if maybe they too had suffered a similar fate. That speech was a HUGE step in my healing process, it was the first time I had fully disclosed my abuse to anyone other than the people directly involved in my case or my therapist. I recall standing at that podium literally trembling and on the verge of tears. A part of me was worried about what they would think, how those in the class would treat me afterward once we left the classroom. I recall my teacher whispering in my ear:

"That was really brave!"

and thinking that I didn't feel very brave at all. I felt small and scared, I was worried that maybe I had gone too far and maybe I shouldn't have done that, maybe I shouldn't have taken them into that world. The speech was meant to explain that 1 in ever 4 girls is sexually abused by the time they turn 18, 1 in every 9 boys is also sexually abused. The majority of those cases happen with someone the child knows and trusts. I wanted to make them aware that there was a good chance that the person sitting next to them could be suffering inside because of their life, I wanted to take their teenage blinders off and make them aware that bad things do happen and that's why we need to be sensitive to those around us. I wanted them to understand that they should think twice before laughing at the weird kid because that weird kid probably needs a friend more than they will ever know and that one friend can make a huge difference in their life. I wanted them to see that teenage bullying and cruel jokes aren't funny and that maybe they need to think twice the next time they spy that weirdo in the hall. I also wanted anyone in that class who might be getting abused (or who might have been a victim of abuse in the past) to know that they were not alone.

Now that I look back to that day, I think it really was pretty brave to do that. To stand in front of my peers in high school  and lay out my heart to was either brave or crazy....or maybe it was a bit of both. I realize that it made people not only look at me differently but also my siblings, but at the time I felt it needed to be shared. I was tired of hiding who I was, tired of trying to put on a brave face every day and wear a fake smile. I wanted people to know me for who I was on the inside and how I got that way. I wanted them to understand, to see beyond the facade that myself and all abused kids put up. I felt it was important for them to hear because maybe in hearing it they would become more sensitive as they ventured out into the halls of our school and then out into the world outside our small town. I truly hope that I made a difference in at least one classmate, if I did, then it was totally worth it!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

We Want To Know Wednesdays

1. What is your most commonly used word or phrase when you are frustrated?

My words depend on two things.....
1) Exactly how frustrated I am...the more frustration, the more naughty the word!
2) Is the kid within hearing distance?...If the boy can hear me, well I gotta keep it clean and use substitute words.

2. What random question do you usually get from strangers or casual acquaintances? 

"You can't deny him can you" Apparently my boy looks a lot like his Mama, especially when he wears his glasses

3. Did you ever correspond by mail with anyone, who? Do you still have the letters? 

Yes, I actually grew up in an age where e-mail was pretty much unheard of and that was the only way to communicate with people long distance without the long distance charges on your phone. I don't have any of the letters, but I used to send letters to my siblings, my friends, and my foster family while I was in college.  

4. Do you dance in public? Why or why not?

Honestly, I occasionally will ...but my son gets all wiggy and embarrassed so I try to contain myself. However, I have been known to sing along to the music that's playing at the store or the bowling alley when it's a really good one.

5. What is your favorite kind of Chapstick/lip balm? 


Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Picture Post :)

Me and my boy hanging out playing with the camera on my phone
The Wild Child got exactly what he asked for this year, a record player
The Wild Child also asked for a new Tablet...which (as you can see) he received
And of course what's a record player without records?
This is my new MOTO and I will be adding this photo somewhere permanently on this blog! Found this on Facebook and felt it was perfect for me!

2012 has arrived...........

Wow, another year has come and gone...I can't believe it!

In 2011 I realized that it was time for me to move forward. I began to feel better about life, about my past and about my future. I looked beyond where I was and saw what I could possibly become. I realized that I needed to do this for my son, because he needs a mother who is strong and can overcome. He needs a mother who is not stuck in the past, not stuck in her memories of living nightmares. I then realized that I was feeling less angry and that was a good thing.

2011 was  year of emotional growth and I owe it all to my wonderful Cousin Candy! I reconnected with Candy through Facebook and then we started texting and messaging a lot. Candy is the one who thought I was a weird kid....then she read my blog and started to understand why. We "talked" a lot and I found myself drawn to her whenever I was feeling a need for a friend. She became not just my cousin, but also a friend. I had always liked Candy, always thought she had the most beautiful smile, it was one you could see in her eyes as well as on her face. Candy, through her words, began to make me feel good about myself. I had heard from others what a strong person I am, but until I heard it from Candy, I don't think I ever truly believed it. I felt small and powerless (understandable I guess given my history) but she saw me as someone who was strong and amazing. She saw me as I had never seen myself and when I was feeling down, she brought me back up. I can only hope that I have been as much of a help to her as she has been to me.

2011 was a good year...thanks Candy for being a part of it!

In 2012 I plan to grow more, to move even further away from the life I lived. I also plan on using this year to show my son that hardship can be overcome. He's getting older now, turning into a man, and I think it's time that I can start being honest with him about a few things. Don't worry, I'm not going to give him all the details yet, I don't think he ever needs to know all the details, but some I think he'll be able to handle and maybe it will help him understand his mother a bit better.

A week or so ago,  the Wild Child was being punished for talking back. I had him sitting down for a few minutes to think about his words. He yelled at me that putting him in a time out at 11 was "Child Abuse" I'll admit it, I was hurt! My son, calling me a child abuser because I was putting him in a time out....yep I yelled! I know I shouldn't have, but I know child abuse and I know he doesn't and so that's exactly what I told him! I yelled that he had no idea what child abuse was and that he could call me every name in the book but he was never, EVER, to call me a child abuser!  He quieted down, apparently struck by my words and my tears. Yes, he could have called me an F****ing B**ch and it would not have stung as bad!

A few days later, he had obviously been thinking about that day because he asked me about my egg donor. He simply asked if she was truly all that bad. He wanted to know what she had done to me and why I felt that I was abused. I tried to keep it simple...she was so bad that the state came in and took us away from her. She was so bad, she wasn't allowed to raise us anymore. Being the inquisitive child that he is, he wanted details. I took a deep breath and told him a brief summary.....she yelled, she hit, she didn't feed us right or treat us right. He wanted to know what? Why did she hit? Why did she yell? Why was it so bad considering people spank their kids and yell at kids all the time....what exactly made her so much worse than other parents? I realized that I was not going to get away with brief summaries or soft answers anymore, he was growing up and wanted to know more. So I told him a few the fact that instead of a spanking I was struck with a leather belt, a metal yardstick, hairbrushes, anything she could get her hands on. He wanted to know how no one saw anything? Why didn't someone notice? I had no answer to that and I was honest about it. All I knew was that she was good at making sure she only hit where clothing would cover, never let a bruise be seen. He asked me if I ever worried that she would kill me...I was honest there too. Yes, I was worried every single day! Every morning when I woke up I tried to be quiet enough to not be noticed. I tried to get off to school as quickly as possible. All day at school I wondered and worried about what I would get into trouble for, what would get me hit today? I tried to think about any mistakes I might have made that she would was never a matter of IF i would be beat, it was more a question of when, why, and how bad would it be. I think he could tell I was growing uncomfortable...he let it go at that point. He changed the subject and life went on.

A day or so after that he asked about her again....something tells me he isn't going to stop asking questions any time soon.